Mikael Uhlin's Marxology @ marx-brothers.org

The Court Room

Scene 8

Officer Hear ye all ye people having business with the court, ye shall be heard. Make way for his honor the Judge. Make way for the District Attorney.
[MK Harpo enters in robe as Judge.]

Chico Good morning Judge
To officer: Don't let anyone in. The Judge has something important he wants to talk to me about.
To Judge: Little draw poker, eh? All right. All the time you want to play with your cards. Play with my cards, I like to win sometimes too, you know.Go on put them both together. Deal some from the top. Why don't you play like I play. I don't cheat much.
[MK Say Judge, nobody's looking - give me one from the bottom.]
You think you're smart, eh? We cut for the deal. The low cards deals. What you got? Two? You lose. You got the right cards? How many cards you want? None? You got to take some, it's draw poker. Four? You got openers? I look. You look too, eh? I take one. It's no good, I take another. Bet you a buck.
[MK I'll bet you five bucks.]
You raise me? I raise you. You raise me again? I call it.
[MK You call? Oh, you raise...All right, I call.]
What you got? Aces? You got aces? On my deal you got aces? How many aces you got? 1 aces? That's good, I thought you were bluffing. Let's see the aces. What's the matter you call that aces? That's 8's. Tell me got aces when you got 8's. What's the matter you cheat like that? I throw away a four flush. Cut the cards.
[MK Harpo cuts cards with hatchet.]
What's the matter you spoil cards like that.

Officer Court's in order. Make way for the learned District Attorney.

Enter Groucho left
[MK Chico plays solitaire as the Prosecutor proceeds.]

Groucho How do you do your honor. I am here to convict a beautiful woman of murder in the first degree, homicide in the second degree, and suicide in the third degree. Let me know when I get to seventy degrees. Are you with me? Here's a dollar on account. I would explain this case but what's the use. He wouldn't understand it, you wouldn't understand it, and I wouldn't understand it. I am certainly glad to before a Judge whose hand has never been tainted by the lure of gold. A man who is not only unbiased and unemotional but is practically unconscious. Judge, you have no idea how you look. Prisoner to the bar.
[MK I realise you are a busy man, and I don't suppose you have given much thought to the case. You don't look as though you would give much thought to anything.To officer: Officer, get this judge a banana - this is the Court of Appeals...I am sure it is very gratifying to be before a judge who is not only unbiased and unemotional but practically unconscious. Officer, bring in the prisoner.]

Officer Bring in the jury.

Enter Beauty right and a dummy jury is pushed on from left.

Groucho I thought the Phillies were on the road.

Officer Hats off, Hats off!
Harpo shoots hat off dummy. Then throw rings.

Groucho Cupie dolls and baby dolls,
3 for 5, 6 for a dime,
Guess your weight within three pounds,
The boy wins a gold cigar.
Gives Harpo a cigar. Look out my boy. This is my turn to thrill her. Step aside. You're laughing, aren't you?

Chico She doesn't know.

Groucho Don't forget he who laughs last like dirty stories. I am going to send you to Harrisburg for twenty years.

Chico Why?

Groucho Capital punishment. What's your name?

Chico She doesn't know.

Groucho Have you ever sold prescriptions for the Saturday Evening Post?

Beauty Certainly not.

Groucho Well, where did you get all those swell looking clothes, then. What's your age?

Chico I object. That's not fair.

Groucho Do you drink?

Beauty That's my business!

Groucho Have you any other business?

Chico How is business?

[MK: Groucho Young lady...you are charged with murder, and if you are convicted you will be charged with electricity...Why were you smoking opium in a Chinese joint?
Beauty Because I wanted to get a new sensation.
Groucho Did you ever eat a bowl of rhubarb in a ferris wheel?....Were you ever in love?
Beauty That's my business.
Chico How's business?]

Groucho Who were you out with last night?

Beauty The thief.

Groucho What time did you come home?

Beauty Six, this morning.

Groucho So you went out with the thief and came home with the milkman?

Chico The same thing.

Groucho If you came home with the milkman your story won't hold water. Why did you stab a Chinaman with this revolver?
Picking up hatchet

Beauty I didn't do it!

Groucho Well, I have a letter from the corpse and he says you did and he seems to feel terrible about it.

Beauty You accuse me? You accuse me? You came to my home to give me a thrill and what happened? After you called all my silverware was missing.

Enter Detective left.
Detective What are you guys doing playing around the court.

Chico Who are you?

Groucho Scotland Yard.

Detective Never mind whose yard I am. Do you guys know that three palm beach suits were stolen from the Judge's chamber?

Groucho Well, I only got one.

Beauty Mr. Detective, did you know that all my silverware was stolen?

Detective I am very sorry my little lady. Just step outside. I'll attend to these guys.
To Chico Where did you get that suit?

Chico That's my suit.

Detective Well, it doesn't fit you.

Chico I know. I had it made to order.

Detective To Groucho Does that suit you have belong to you?

Groucho Only the vest.

Detective To Harpo Come down out of there you. Come on, make it snappy.
To Chico Well, who is this guy?

Chico That's my brother.

Detective To Harpo Is that your brother?
Business of shaking head - - yes - - no.

Groucho Figure that out.

Detective To Groucho Are these your sons?

Groucho Yes.

Detective Are you their father?

Groucho No.

Detective To Harpo Is that your father?To Chico Is that your father?

Chico I'm not sure. It was during the epidemic.

Detective Who are you?

Groucho The Shepherd of the Hills. I lost my sheep.

Taking knife out of Groucho's pocket.
Detective Stealing!

Groucho Sterling!

Chico Here, I found one too.

Detective Found one, eh?

Groucho Why don't you search him?

Detective I don't have to search him.

Groucho You can't. You haven't got a writ of epideta.

Detective When I go out after a man I get him.

Groucho You would have made a good woman.

Detective I know my business, I do.

Groucho Go on, why don't you search him. You're smart. You're instinctive.

Detective I'm what?

Groucho I don't think I'll say that again.

Detective Certainly I know my business. I've been a detective for twenty years.
Shows badge. Harpo shows whiskey bottle.

Groucho Why don't you justify yout justifications which are judiciary?

Detective What has that got to do with me. To Harpo. My boy I feel sorry for you. You are in bad company. A big honest round eyed boy like you. I can tell you are honest simply because I can tell an honest man when I see him. You have a face like Washington. Why it's men of your character that are a credit to this country. I want to say I am sorry for you. What would your mother say? The more I look at you the more decent you are. Well, you certainly surprised me!

During the speech, Harpo has been dropping knives out of his left sleeve until the sleeve is empty.
Groucho Me too, I thought he had more than that.

Black out. Close Art Curtains.

Scene 9 - Art Curtain

Carlotta Miles & Lloyd Garrett

Lights up! Enter Beauty and Chief left.

Chief Wanna, when am I going to see you alone?

Beauty Engagements eight weeks in advance.

Chief More thrills?

Beauty And are you going to try?

Chief I am not a fortune hunter. You alone are the treasure I want.

Scene 10 - song "Rainy Day"

Carlotta Miles, Lloyd Garrett, Melvin Sisters, Gertrude Cole and Mildred Joy

Enter four girls who sing Rainy Day Chorus. At the end of chorus all exit left.

According to a review in Variety, May 28, 1924, the trial is "borrowed from the old burlesque afterpiece, Irish Justice". A similar trial also appears in Duck Soup in 1933. Variety further mentions that Harpo "sent the house into spasms with his knives and forks bit. The amount of junk hidden up his sleeve is surprising. Harpo is the world's funniest dropper of silverware". This specialty first appeared in vaudeville-show Home Again and was also included in the filmversion of Animal Crackers.
The sheet covers of The Thrill Of Love and Only You offers a longer title of the final song, I'm Saving You For A Rainy Day.