The Marx Brothers
COURT RECEPTION AT VERSAILLES
A Footman enters.
Footman The Empress! (fanfare)
Napoleon As you were.
Josephine Napoleon, did you hurt yourself? You told me you would be in Egypt tonight.
Napoleon That remains to be seen, but where are my faithful advisers, François, Alphonse and Gaston?
Josephine Do you wish their advice?
Napoleon Of course I do. They are always wrong
Footman Alphonse, First
Footman François, Second Gentleman-in-Waiting.
Napoleon This devotion to me is touching, but it's not touching me.
Footman Gaston, Third
Napoleon Well, they are all
taking the detour.
Josephine Napoleon, when you go, all France is with you.
Napoleon Yes, and the last time I came home all France was with you...and a slice of Italy too.
Alphonse Haahaa, he means me.
Napoleon Yes, it's you I mean. And I could've left the "s" off "slice."
Josephine Napoleon, fight as you never fought before.
Napoleon Farewell, my
Alphonse Ah, Josephine!
Alphonse Why you crying?
Josephine I thought you were never coming.
Alphonse I thought-eh
Josephine Alphons, hide!
Josephine Oh! It's you. I thought you were at the front.
Napoleon I was, but nobody answered the bell, so I came around here.
Josephine Well, what are you looking for?
Napoleon My sword. I lost my sword.
Josephine There it is, dear, just where you left it.
Napoleon Farewell, my
Josephine Alphonse, hide!
Alphonse Josie, has he gone?
Alphonse Anybody. Ah! Josie, you are so beautiful. Josephine giggles. Why don't you marry me?
Josephine What about Napoleon?
Alphonse Awright, I gonna marry him too. He's got money. He's the guy I'm really after.
Josephine Why, that's bigamy.
Alphonse And it's-a bigamy too.
Josephine Please play. I
Alphonse Awright! Chico plays the piano. There's a knock on the door, Groucho enters, Chico dives under the piano and crawls off.
Josephine You're here AGAIN?!?! Oh, Napoleon, you're HERE again?
Napoleon I lost my sword.
had a swell chance to stab one of those Russians. I was gonna stab him
right near the gates of Moscow. If I find my sword, I Moscow and get
him. He promised to wait, but you can't depend on those Russians.
Where's my sword? Ah! There's my sword. Farewell, my Queen.
Josephine Gaston! I thought
were never coming back. Won't you please play for me?
Napoleon Woman! Who's been here?
Josephine I have.
Josephine Alone.Harpo honks his horn and crawls off.
Napoleon Remember, you can fool some of the people all of the time, and you can fool some of the people all of the time but you can't fool some of the people all of the time! I just made that up. Lincoln stole it from me. Someone's been here. Ah! He's a harp.
Josephine 'Tis my harp.
you think you can stand there and make a schlemiel out of Napoleon? Do
you think it's fun being Napoleon? How would you like to be Napoleon
and stand like this for a hundred and fifty years? Someone has been
here. I'm going to investigate. I'll smoke out these Siberian
Josephine I love but you.
Napoleon Come out, come
wherever you are.
Napoleon Officer of the
remove the swine.
Josephine Napoleon, what are you going to do to them?
Napoleon Look at them down
in the courtyard. The firing squad will soon give you my answer.
This script comes from Mad Mad Mad Comedians,
a 30 minute cel
animated special produced by Arthur Rankin, Jr. and Jules Bass,
screened at 8:30 pm in 7 April 1970 by ABC. The show featured animated
versions of famous comics like W.C. Fields, Jack Benny, George Burns,
Henny Youngman, The Smothers Brothers, Flip Wilson, Phyllis Diller,
Jack E. Leonard, George Jessel, and the Marx Brothers. All of them
provided the voices for their own characters except for W.C. Fields and
Chico (who had passed away) and Zeppo (who retired from
showbiz in 1933). Those voices were done by Paul Frees. Joan Gardner
In retrospect it's a pity that Zeppo didn't do his own voice since he was still around in 1970. I don't know if was asked to do it or not. Another note of interest is that in this version, Zeppo and Chico has switched parts so that Zeppo plays Francois and Chico plays Alphonse.
Romeo Muller is credited as having written "special material" for the show, but the script for the Napoleon scene was probably supplied by Groucho. Although not remembered by the general public, Mad Mad Mad Comedians at the time gave producers Rankin/Bass their highest ratings ever. This version of the "Napoleon Scene" is available in Real Audio on Frank Bland's "Why A Duck"-site, in the Streaming Audio Files section.