Theatrical Agency (Library of Congress-version)

Richman Oh Boy! Society woman craves excitement.

Enter 1st office girl.
Office girl Good morning Boss, here is an actor out of work.

Enter Zeppo right. Chucks office girl under chin.
Office girl How dare you! Exits right.

Zeppo Who is the agent?

Richman I am.

Zeppo I want you to get me an engagement.

Richman What can you do?

Zeppo You don't have to do anything to be an actor. I give imitations of Gallagher and Shean - - - sings
Our songs are a lot of junk,
And as actors we are punk,
Positively, Mr. Gallagher,
Absolutely, Mr. Shean. - - -

After a pause Well, what do you think of it?

Richman When you go out don't slam the door.
Sings It's a wonderful imitation of Ethel Barrymore. - - - Sit down.

Office girl Here is a Brother team. Before and After.

Enter Before and After right.
Richman Do you boys give imitations of Gallagher and Shean?

Before & After (singing)

Richman You boys need a lot of rehearsals. Step in that room and I will see you later.

Office girl Here is another actor.

Chico I am glad you see me.

Richman Come in.

Chico I'm in. Are you the manager?

Richman I am.

Chico Do you want a good actor? I am the guy you want to get. I don't speak very good English but I am full of the pep and got the ambish.

Richman What do you do? What's your name?
[MK: Richman Did you come by appointment?
Chico No me, I come by the subway.

Chico I am a hypnotist. My name is Sabisco Chicaline and the best thing I do is give the imitation of Gallagher and Shean.

Oh Mr. Shean, oh Mr. Shean,
I think you should sing Chilly, Chilly Bean,
Pelli Curchi is all right,
So I sing with all my might,
I thank you Mr. Gallagher,
You're welcome, Mr. Shean.

Well, what did you think of that?

[MK: My name is Sebastian Chicolino
and the best thing I do is give the imitation of Gallagher and Shean, - Oh (singing)
Mr Gallagher, oh Mr Gallagher
One day I take a street car ride
And a lady big and fat
she sat right on my hat
And when she gets up I nearly cry -
Christopher Colombo - what do you think of that?

Richman Terrible! Sit down.

Office girl Here's another.

Groucho How do you do gentlemen...Pardon me for calling you gentlemen, but who is the manager of this refrigerator?

Richman I am. Have you had any theatrical experience?

Groucho Yes. I was with Shuffle Along last year.
[MK: I was with the Covered Wagon last season. I played the axle grease.]

Richman Can you play a roll?

Groucho Can I play a roll? Do you know who you are looking at? Caesar's ghost. I played a part in Ben Hur once.

Richman What part did you play, sir?

Groucho A girl played the part of Ben.

Richman And you?

Groucho I played her.

Chico When you go out take a slam at the door.

Groucho That's an intellectual crevice.

I want to play a dramatic part,
The kind that touches a woman's heart,
To make her cry for me to die,

Chico Did you ever get hit with a cocoanut pie?

Groucho Yes, yes, whenever I imitate G & S.

Oh, Mr. Gallagher, Oh, Mr. Gallagher,
I can imitate your little song and dance,
I can do just what you do,
I can't sing but neither can you,
So I'll do it like an Eddie Cantor nance,

Oh, Mr. Shean, oh, Mr. Shean,
I learned this on the radio machine,
Broadcast my voice and see,
And they'll think that you was me.
a-e, a-e, a-e, Mr. Gallagher,
Stop your interference Mr. Shean,
a-o, a-o, a-o, Mr. Shean.

Richman Get me a brick! Get me a brick!

Groucho Taking brick from under coat Here's a brick. I always carry one for this imitation.

Richman I'd like to lay this on your head.

Groucho You can't. You're not a union brick-layer.
[MK: That's the beauty of moth-balls - you don't have to eat them.

Office girl Here's another dumbell.
Enter Harpo with hand extended. Business of slapping agent's face.

Groucho Wait a minute, wait a minute. Looks like the Broad Street Station. Don't hit him. Do you know who that is?

Richman No.

Groucho Who does? Shake hands with me young man. Business of Horn

Richman What do you want? What's your business?
Harpo hands agent a card.

My name is what do you care,
My place is anywhere,
The people say I'm awfully dumb,
So this is the place for me to come.

Harpo places leg in hand of agent
What's the idea of this?

Groucho Give him a chance. You're young yet. Maybe he's crazy. Wait, I'll find out. Do you want to go on the stage?
Harpo nods.
He's crazy.

Richman Come, come, what do you want?
Harpo hands him another card.

My name is what do you care,
My place is anywhere,
The people say I'm awfully dumb,
So this is the place for me to come.

Chico To Harpo See this man. He's a big manager and wants to put you on the stage. Do you sing? Well, dance and let him hear you. What do you think of him?

Richman I wouldn't give him a dollar a week.

Chico He'll take it.

Richman Are you an actor or are you not?

Groucho He hasn't made up his mind yet.

Richman Thank Heavens, no Gallagher and Shean. That's enough of this nonsense.
Business of sitting at table.

Zeppo You put these boys in a show and you will make some money. I want to read you some of my press notices. Here's the idea. I'm going to read you the first scene. There is a very pretty girl and the comedien gets more laughs - - -
During the speech they all talk. Harpo milks glove. Puts feet on table. Groucho puts ashes in draw.

Richman Stop talking! Do you think for one moment that you can come into my office and insult my intelligence with your bogus notices? You are mistaken. I want you to understand that I am fully conversant with each and every artist in the entire United States and know exactly what they can do. you're nothing more nor less than imposters. Will you let me alone?

Office girl Telegram for the Manager. Telegram for the Manager.
Harpo takes the telegram and tears it up.

Second office girl Here, if I don't get my pay, I'll quit.
Harpo gets on desk, sits on manager's head and shakes hands with the girl.

Richman Will you stop it?

Zeppo What did you think of my notices?

Richman Great! I didn't hear a word you said.

Office girl Boss, here's another!

Chief I beg your pardon but who is the agent?

Richman I am.

Chief Have you an opening for a juvenile?

Richman Do you give imitations of Gallagher and Shean?

Chief No. I can sing a love song but that lets me out.

Richman No, that lets you in. Boys, I haven't any jobs for you but I have an idea whereby we can all make some money. Here's a wealthy young lady who claims she will give her heart, her hand, and her fortune to the man who gives her the greatest thrill. She is a victim of supressed desires.

Groucho She's a nut.

Richman She has complexes because she has never been in love.

Groucho Is she married?

Richman Of course not. What do you know about love?
[MK: Will you please keep quiet. What do you know about love?]

Groucho Nothing. I've been divorced four times. I'm not getting the mileage I used to.
[MK: Nothing. I've been married four times. I'm not getting the mileage I used to.]

Richman I might have expected that from you. We will give her the whole range of masculine thrillers. Boys, do you remember the old fable of Richman, Poorman, Beggarman, Thief, Doctor, Lawyer, Merchant, Chief.

Everybody I'll be the Richman.

Richman Let's pretend. I'll be the Richman. Poorman, Beggarman, Thief, Doctor, Lawyer, Merchant, Chief. Are we all agreed?

Everybody Agreed!

Richman Isn't she a beauty?

Everybody I'LL SAY SHE IS!

Chico appears as Sabisco Chicaline or Sebastian Chicolino and a third version of this surname - Chicolini - became his character in the film Duck Soup in 1933.