Monkey Business

                        SEQUENCE "A"



ANGLE SHOT looking up
side of liner with funnels
belching black smoke.
Steam blast of ship's

                        SOUND:          (Ship's whistle)

Then PAN DOWN to cap-
tain's bridge.  Captain
Corcoran, head and shoul-
ders visible above rail,
is scanning the horizon.
First officer Mr. Gibson,
joins captain at rail,

                        CAPTAIN:                (Gruffly)
                                        What is it?

                        GIBSON:         Captain, I'm sorry to
                                        report there are four
                                        stowaways in the for-
                                        ward hatch.

                        CAPTAIN:        Stowaways?  How do you
                                        know there are four of

                        GIBSON:         They were singing
                                        "Sweet Adeline."

                        CAPTAIN:        Well, you get them out
                                        of there, you hear?

                        GIBSON:                 (Desperately)
                                        But we can't find them,
                                        sir!  And they've been
                                        writing insulting notes,
                                                (Hands Captain
                                                slip of paper)

                        CAPTAIN:                (Reading it)
                                        So I'm an old goat, am
                                        I?  You listen to me
                                        -- find them if you
                                        have to clear out that
                                        whole hatch!

                        GIBSON:         Yes, sir.
                                                (Salutes and leaves



A welter of casks, barrels,
boxes and bales. A shaft
of light strikes down
diagonally on a barrel.
It is labeled KIPPERED

PAN TO the bunghole, from
which there comes an en-
tire cleaned herring bone
with head and tail still

PAN TO the bottom of the
barrel, showing a pile of
similar herring bone.
Straw from bunghole en-
ters adjoining carboy of
water and sucks it dry.
The straw proceeds to
wander into a demijohn
labeled VINEGAR, and sucks
that dry. There comes an
exclamation from within
and a spurt of liquid
from within the barrel.

Pick up two more barrels,
showing bungholes facing
each other. One dirty
hand is being manicured
by another dirty hand with
buffer.  Pick up fourth
barrel from whose bunghole
come successive rings of
cigar smoke.

                        GROUCHO:        Yes, maybe it is
                                        extravagant, but it's
                                        the only way to travel.

                        CHICO:          I was gonna bring along
                                        the wife and kiddies
                                        but the grocer couldn't
                                        spare another barrel.

                        ZEPPO:          Shhhhh!  I think some-
                                        one's coming.

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, dear, and here I
                                        am without a drop of
                                        tea or piece of cake to
                                        offer 'em.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Whispering)
                                        Shhhhh - quiet!

Harpo honks his horn twice
and sticks his head out of

                        GROUCHO:        If it's the captain
                                        I'm gonna have a few
                                        words with him. My hot
                                        water's been cold for
                                        three days and I
                                        haven't got room enough
                                        to swing a cat.  I
                                        haven't even got a cat.

                        CHICO:          You tell him I wanna
                                        see him, too,  I'm
                                        lookin' for a job for
                                        my grandpa.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Frantically)
                                        Shhhhh!   Pipe down!

Three distinct honks from
Harpo's horn.


Hatch covering just re-
moved and officer Gibson
directing three hard-
boiled deckhands.  Gibson
walks down the stairs,
leading the deckhands.

                        GIBSON:         Now listen, we've got
                                        to find these stow-
                                        aways this time,
                                        y'understand?  Shake up
                                        those boxes there ...
                                        make it snappy!

                        DECKHAND:               (Dopey)
                                        Aye, aye, sir.

Gibson walks away from
them, turning his back.

                        GROUCHO:        Never mind the barrels.

                        DECKHAND:               (Dopey)
                                        Aye, aye, sir.

Deckhands turn over boxes,
wrestle bales, etc. (Not
touching barrels.)  Dopey
deckhand has been half-
heartedly turning over
thin cases, patently
oranges, and placing them
back to their former posi-
tions.  Mate stalks back
from other end of hatch,
puffing on a cigar.

                        DECKHAND:       They're not here, sir.

                        MATE:                   (Yelling)
                                        Well, hoist all this
                                        stuff up on deck --
                                        every box and barrel.
                                        Pull down that crate
                                        up there, you!

A rope is placed around
the four barrels, and hoist-
ing of the barrels begins.


Of rope fraying. It parts
slowly and breaks.



The barrels smash and the
four Marx Brothers emerge.
They put their arms around
each other, somewhat in
the fashion of a football
backfield in a huddle, and
start to sing in quartet
fashion, "Da da da da dum
dum," etc.
                                        (Chico's piano tune from
                                        "Animal Crackers")

Before they can get far
with this, they are inter-
rupted by Gibson and the
crew charging upon them.
They run madly down the
deck with the pursuers
after them.



A few people are stroll-
ing up end down quietly.
There are a number of
people reclining in deck
chairs, covered with
blankets, particularly a
beautiful young woman and
an extremely fat woman.

Suddenly, around the cor-
ner of the cabin appear
Gibson and the crew look-
ing for the Marxes, who
have disappeared. After
the pursuers have passed
and are almost out of
sight, Chico, Groucho and
Zeppo stick their heads
out from under the blanket
that has covered the
pretty girl.  They step
onto the deck from the
chair in triumph.  Harpo
is not visible.  Suddenly,
the fat woman gets up and
Harpo is revealed as hav-
ing been under her all the
time.  He gets up, grim-
aces, and it is revealed
that a thin young man has
been buried under him.
The four brothers get to-
gether and are about to go
into "Sweet Adeline", but
just at that moment, one
of the crew happens to
look back and sees them.
He calls this to the at-
tention of the rest and
they reverse their steps
and come back toward the

The Marxes scramble to
their feet and set off
along the deck again, pur-
sued by the crew.


The staircase leading
down into the "Y" entrance
of main salon.  In the
background are people
reading, playing cards,
etc.  The Marx Brothers
are racing madly down steps.

Directly in front of them
is an ornate fountain with
girl backed by seashell,
a la Venus rising from the
waves.  In front of her is
a small pool of water.
The Marxes stop to regard
the statue.


Gibson and his men appear-
ing at head of stairs.

                        GIBSON:                 (Points)
                                        There they are!


Where the Marxes were.

Gibson and his men arrive
and look about then blank-
ly.  The Marxes are not to
be seen.

FLASH of front view of
fountain. Reveal the Marx
Brothers for the first
time, grouped about the
statue in a silly burlesque
of a sculptured group, with
appropriate business for

Satisfied that the Marxes
are not there, Gibson walks

As soon as he is a few feet
away, the Marxes start to
follow him, carrying part
of the statue with them.
Gibson starts to turn
around and the Marxes imme-
diately set the statue down
and take their places on it.

Gibson looks suspiciously
at the statue and then
starts to walk on. Once again
the Marxes start to follow

Again Gibson starts to turn
and the Marxes immediately
set the statue down and
take places on it, this
time with interchanged posi-
tions.  Gibson is very per-
plexed, but decides he is
mistaken and walks off.

As he starts to go, water,
squirted by the Marxes;
strikes him on the head. He
turns around to catch them
out of position. They start
to run in back of the statue
and up the stairs with Gib-
son and his men hot after


                        END OF SEQUENCE "A"

                        SEQUENCE "B"


Of a corridor, coming
down it a ship's tailor
carrying several suits,
dresses, etc. on coat
hangers. Down another
corridor at right angles
to it hurries Groucho,
throwing apprehensive
glances over his shoulder.
As they meet and pass,
Groucho grabs a dress,
pauses at a door and
knocks. From the direc-
tion he came charges
Gibson, who stares for
a split second suspicious-
ly at Groucho, mostly
obscured by the dress
he is carrying.  Groucho
knocks again.



Where Alky Briggs is fix-
ing necktie, preparing to
go out. Lucille Briggs,
a dumb, sexy, tart type,
tearful, is at his heels,
as Alky starts for door.
She rushes between him
and door.

                        BRIGGS:         You get this straight.
                                        I'm going out when I
                                        please, where I please
                                        and with who I please.
                                        And what's more, I don't
                                        want to listen to any
                                        more of your yapping.

Repeated knocks from
Groucho heard during
these sides.

                        LUCILLE:        All right, all right.
                                        But if you think I'm
                                        gonna stay cooped up
                                        here while you make a
                                        play for every dame on
                                        the boat, you're crazy,
                                        Mr. Alky Briggs.

                        BRIGGS:         Outa my way.

                        LUCILLE:        All right. But let me
                                        tell you something.
                                        You're not the only one
                                        who can play that game.

                        BRIGGS:                 (Softening a little)
                                        Listen here, kid.  I'm
                                        keeping you down here
                                        for a reason,  Joe
                                        Farina is on this boat.
                                        I expect a lot of trouble
                                        and he's pretty careless
                                        with his gat.  Now ---

Both flare up, bickering
rapidly, as Groucho walks
in - stepping between them.

                        GROUCHO:        Pardon me while I step
                                        into the closet.  Thank

Alky starts to go out.

                        LUCILLE:                (With half a sob)

Alky slams the door and
leaves. Lucille paces
the floor, restraining
tears.  Then her eye
catches closet.

                        LUCILLE:        What are you doing in
                                        that closet?

                        GROUCHO:        Nothing - but it's not
                                        a bad idea.
                                                (Pulls his head
                                                back in)

                        LUCILLE:        You can't stay in there.

                        GROUCHO:                (Reappearing)
                                        That's what they said to
                                        Thomas Edison, mighty
                                        inventor; Thomas Lind-
                                        bergh, mighty flyer;
                                        and Thomashefsky, mighty
                                        lak a rose.  Just re-
                                        member, my fine bucko,
                                        that if there weren't
                                        any closets, there
                                        wouldn't be any hooks,
                                        and if there weren't any
                                        hooks, there wouldn't be
                                        any fish, and that would
                                        suit me fine.

                        LUCILLE:        Don't try to hide. I
                                        know you're in that

                        GROUCHO:        I am, am I?  Did you see
                                        me go in the closet?

                        LUCILLE:        No.

                        GROUCHO:        Am I in the closet now?

                        LUCILLE:        No.

                        GROUCHO:        Did you see me come out
                                        of the closet?

                        LUCILLE:        No.

                        GROUCHO:        Then how do you know I'm
                                        in the closet?  Do you
                                        know I'm in the closet?

                        LUCILLE:        I --

                        GROUCHO:        Well, why don't you answer
                                        me?  Three times I wrote
                                        to you last week and not
                                        a line did I get. Not
                                        even a postal wishing you
                                        were here.  A fine sight
                                        I was hanging around the
                                        post office crying my
                                        eyes out.
                                                (Pauses dramatically)
                                        Gentlemen, if you ever
                                        had a mother you were
                                        fond of, or a horse, or
                                        a shiny little whistle,
                                        you'd turn this little
                                        beast free.
                                                (Glowering like a
                                                lawyer, with thumbs
                                                in his suspenders,
                                                in the manner of
                                                Darrow facing a jury)
                                        Your Honor, I rest.
                                                (As he jumps into
                                        But only for forty winks.

                        LUCILLE:        Come here, banjo eyes.
                                        I didn't know you were a
                                        lawyer. You're awfully
                                        shy for a lawyer.

                        GROUCHO:                (Indignantly)
                                        You bet I'm shy. I'm a
                                        shyster lawyer.  And who
                                        are you, he countered
                                        roguishly, his beautiful
                                        white body aching to be

                        LUCILLE:        I --

                        GROUCHO:        I know. You're a mis-
                                        understood woman who's
                                        been getting nothing but
                                        dirty breaks.  Well, we
                                        can clean and tighten
                                        your breaks, polish your
                                        frame and oil your joints,
                                        but you'll have to stay
                                        in the garage all night.

                        LUCILLE:                (Picks up liquor
                                        I'll ring for a set-up.

                        GROUCHO:        Madam, you don't have to
                                        ring for a set-up. I'm
                                        a set-up for a gal like
Lucille pours liquor into
Alky's huge tumbler.

                        LUCILLE:        Say when.

She is filling Groucho's
glass slowly, but he says
nothing until the glass
is filled and the bottle
empty, then --

                        GROUCHO:        "When" - And aren't
                                        you drinking?

As Lucille turns, Groucho
starts toward closet and
opens it.

                        LUCILLE:        Why, where are you

                        GROUCHO:        I just wanted to be sure
                                        I'm not in that closet.
Lucille hands Groucho his
glass, after pouring a
little back in her own.
He settles back comfort-
ably in berth.

                        GROUCHO:        Now madam, lie right down
                                        here and tell me your
                                        troubles.  You needn't
                                        be afraid to talk freely--
                                        I used to be a floor-
                                        walker in a ladies wash-
                                        room.  Now, what seems to
                                        be the trouble between
                                        your husband?

                        LUCILLE:        How would you like to
                                        have somebody sneak into
                                        your room at three in
                                        the morning?

                        GROUCHO:        That would suit me fine.
                                        Tonight I'll leave the
                                        door open, at three.  In
                                        fact, I may take it off

                        LUCILLE:        You don't understand -
                                        it's companionship I
                                        want. I'm young, full
                                        of spirits - I'm bubbling

                        GROUCHO:                (In disgust)
                                        Bubbling over?  A big
                                        girl like you?  Why don't
                                        you wear a bib?

                        LUCILLE:        Think of it, I've been
                                        married four years.  Four
                                        years of battling - four
                                        years of neglect - four
                                        years --

                        GROUCHO:        That makes twelve years.
                                        You must have been a baby
                                        when you got married.

                        LUCILLE:        Oh, I want to live, I
                                        tell you,  I want
                                        excitement, hey, hey!
                                        I want to ha-cha-cha-cha!
Lucille goes into a black
bottom stomp.  Groucho
seizing his guitar and
accompanying. When he
stops to return for his
drink, Lucille stops

                        GROUCHO:        Madam, you're making his-
                                        tory.  You, the pioneer
                                        woman, with little
                                        Indians clinging to your
                                        skirts, chopped down those
                                        children and nursed those
                                        trees. Why?  To clear the
                                        way for more children.
                                        And as the blood-red sun
                                        sinks over your bleaching
                                        bones, I sink once more
                                        into your downy couch.

                        [Two pages missing!]

                        SEQUENCE "C"

Harpo comes out of room,
his clothes dripping and
an elfish smile on his
face. He sees the mani-
curist and starts to
chase her.


SHOT of corridor, past
barber shop, with Harpo
chasing manicurist, who
runs into manicure shop.



Harpo appears in doorway
cautiously looks around
sees barber asleep in
chair, and manicurist and
Chico at manicurist's

At sight of Harpo, mani-
curist jumps up and dashes
out other door, Harpo
after her.  As he reaches
the door and looks out in-
to the hall, he stops
suddenly and turns back.


SHOT of Hallway from
Barber Shop door, showing
Gibson and two of the
crew coming toward shop,
still in search of stow-



Gibson and two sailors

PAN TO Harpo and Chico,
in white barber coats,
standing beside two
empty chairs.

                        CHICO:                  (Cheerily)
                                        Good morning, Sergeant
                                        - you the next.

                        GIBSON:                 (Eying Chico and
                                                Harpo suspicious-
                                        I'm looking for a
                                        couple of mugs.

Harpo produces two shav-
ing mugs from shelf.
Gibson fails to notice
Harpo's action.

                        GIBSON:         (To his men)
                                        I think they're some-
                                        where around this deck.
                                        Continue the search
                                        while I get shaved.
                                                feels his day's
                                        I'll have a once over.

                        CHICO:          Once over, partner!

Harpo then whistles and
takes the tumbler pose.

                        GIBSON:                 (Yawning)
                                        I'll just take a little
                                        snooze while you fix
                                        me up.


Harpo takes razor -
reaches for razor strop
hanging from side of chair,
but takes Gibson's hand
which is hanging in front
of it, and strops razor on
Gibson's sleeve.

                        CHICO:                  (Stopping Harpo)
                                        Wait - we gotta give
                                        the sergeant a trim-
                                        ming - on the mustache

Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they
both eye up Gibson's
mustache.  Harpo takes a
little snip of it. Both
scrutinize it closely.

                        CHICO:          I think you better
                                        give the other side a
                                        little snoop.

Harpo agrees -  cuts
other side.

                        CHICO:                  (Smiling)
                                        That's good - that's
                                                (Smile disappears)
                                        Only now I don't like
                                        that side so much.
                                                (Points to
                                                first side)

Harpo pantomimes that he
will fix everything.  He
cuts first side again.
Both look at the mustache
and then at each other,
inquiringly.  They then
shake their heads with

                        CHICO:                  (Shaking head)
                                        Not yet, partner.

Harpo then cuts number
two again.
                        CHICO:                  (Uncertainly)
                                        Well now, I tink it's
                                        all right.

Harpo looks - and shakes
his head with dissatis-
faction.  He takes the
last nip off side number

                        CHICO:          Now, let me see!
                                                (He feels what's
                                                left of the
                                        I think it's just a
                                        little bit rough over

Harpo feels it and agrees.
He takes razor and removes
the rest of the mustache.

                        CHICO:                  (Examining it)
                                        'At's a perfect!
                                        Partner, perfect!
                                                (Looks around)
                                        Now I think I shine
                                        up the sergeant.

Chico removes Gibson's
shoes, takes them to
bootblack stand, places
them on trees and starts
to shine them.


Harpo, as he returns razor
to shelf, spies the
clippers.  He looks at
them a minute, is fasci-
nated, and leaps to the
back of Gibson's head with
them.  He clips a track
up to the center and
across from ear to ear,
making an ugly cross;
finishing his job by
brushing the loose hairs
down Gibson's neck with
a large stiff whiskbroom.
Gibson raises his head,
with a questionable look
in his eyes, and reaches
for the back of his head.

                        GIBSON:                 (Feeling back
                                                of his head)
                                        Feels kind of rough
                                        back there.

                        CHICO:                  (Looking over and
                                                joining Harpo)
                                        Ah, no, sergeant - it's
                                        like a beautiful
                                        pictch!  Look!

Chico produces hand-
mirror and shows him the
back of Harpo's head.
Satisfied that he was
apparently mistaken, the
mate settles back and
asks for his shave.

Chico reseats himself at
the mate's feet to finish
the mate's shine -- on
his socks.


Harpo with shaving brush
in his hand, lays chair
back.  This shoots the
mate's feet up into
Chico's face.  Chico
pushes them down.  In do-
ing so, raises back of
the chair just as Harpo
is about to apply lather,
Harpo pulls it down --
feet go up again.  Chico,
in a rage, pushes them
down. Harpo straddles
headrest - Chico the foot-
rest - and they seesaw.
As the seesawing continues,
they start the chair re-
volving around, up and
down, as though riding on
a merry-go-round.  As
they each pass shelves,
they reach out with their
forefinger as if trying
to get the brass ring.
About the third time
around, Harpo swings
around with the shaving
mug dangling from his


        Music suggestion.

        (This could be
        strengthened with
        carousel music)

Merry-go-round stops.

                                CHICO:                  (Gleefully)
                                                Atta boy, partner, we
                                                get another ride. It's
                                                a nice, eh sergeant?

PAN TO mate's face. His
head is floundering with
dizziness.  His eyes are

                                CHICO:          Look, the sergeant hees
                                                a seasick!

HARPO'S face takes on an
alarmed expression.
Reaction of the mate be-
ing half asleep and dizzy.
Chico goes to get scissors.
Harpo pushes the mate back
in the chair and starts to
work the foot pedal which
raises the barber chair in
the air.  Harpo discovers
that he needs more lather
and reaches to get it,
still continuing to work
pedal.  He turns back
from getting the lather,
and much to his surprise
discovers that the barber
chair has risen ten feet
in the air.  Harpo tries
to regulate the pedal, but
it sticks. Chico enters
and sees what has happened.
They look about and see a
step ladder and put it up.
Harpo, with the shaving
mug, goes up one side.
Chico, with the scissors
and razor, goes up the
other side, and they start
to work on the mate.

                        CHICO:                  (Indicating mustache)
                                        We gotta give the Sergeant
                                        a trimming on the mustache.

Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they
both eye up the mate's
mustache.  Harpo takes a
little nip of it. Both
scrutinize it closely.

                        CHICO:          I think you better give
                                        this side a little snoop.

Harpo agrees - cuts other

                        CHICO:                  (Smiling)
                                        That's good - that's
                                        fine!  Now ---

The barber chair settles
a couple of feet, leaving
the boys high above it on
the ladder.  They scramble
down and saw the legs of
the ladder so that the
top will be even with the
barber chair.  As soon as
the ladder is shortened
the boys ascend to con-
tinue their barbering.

                        CHICO:                  (As he examines
                                        Now, I think this side
                                        is a little too long.

Harpo pantomimes that he
will fix everything.  He
cuts first side again.
Both look at mustache and
then at each other inquir-
ingly.   Then they shake
their heads with dissatis-

                        CHICO:                  (Shaking head)
                                        Not yet, partner.

Harpo then reaches over
to take another snip of
the mustache.  As he does,
the barber chair again
settles about two feet.
The boys scramble down to
the floor and repeat their
action of shortening the
ladder.  When this job is
completed they mount to
the top of the ladder to
continue their work on
the mustache.

                        CHICO:          It's a little off
                                        balance. Snip this

Harpo follows instructions.

                        CHICO:          Well now, I tink it's
                                        all right.

Harpo looks and shakes
his head with dissatis-
faction.  He takes the
last nip off side number

                        CHICO:          Now, let me see --
                                                (He feels what's
                                                left of the
                                        I think it's just a
                                        little bit rough over

Harpo feels it and agrees.
He takes razor and re-
moves the rest of the

                        CHICO:          'At's a perfect!
                                        Partner, perfect!

The boys feel satisfied
with their job. Chico
rubs his hands.

                        CHICO:          Well, 'at's a that.

The boys press a lever
and the chair comes down
to the floor with a bang.
The startled mate is al-
most knocked unconscious.

                        CHICO:          I fix him up.

Chico takes a tonic bottle
marked "Water" from the
shelf.  He shakes water
into the mate's face.

Harpo's face lights up as
an idea strikes him.  He
motions to Chico to wait
a moment, then goes to
the vibrator and turns it
on. He puts the vibrator
on Chico's arm, causing
it to shake the bottle
mechanically. Smiles of
satisfaction appear on
Chico's and Harpo's faces.

                        CHICO:          The Sergeant he's a
                                        looking better already.

PAN to mate's face.  He
is still completely dazed.

Harpo puts the vibrator
near the mate's stomach
causing the mate to start
tossing in his chair.

                        CHICO:          Ha ha, look - he likes
                                        it. I will give him

Chico goes to switch in
the wall and turns it to
full force.

Harpo continues massaging
the mate.

                        CHICO:          When you want some more,
                                        Serg', just ask, don't
                                        be bashful.

                        MATE:                   (Angrily)
                                        If-if -- you-you --
                                        f-f-fellows -- d-d-don't
                                        s-s-s-stop - th-
                                        that -- I-I -- w - w -
                                        w --

Harpo places vibrator
under the mate's chin.

                                                (Mate's lips give
                                                out a tremulous

                        CHICO:          He stutters!

Chico takes a comb with
a piece of tissue paper
and places them both in
front of the mate's lips.
Harpo's moving of the
comb causes various sing-
song tremulous notes to
issue forth.  Harpo be-
gins to whistle and Chico
to sing an accompaniment.


Manicurist standing in
doorway. Chico sees her,
goes to her and slides
vibrator along her back.
The vibration gives the
appearance of doing a
wild shimmy dance.

Harpo, on seeing her
drops everything and
dashes after her.

                        CHICO:                  (Turning off vibrator)
                                        Ha ha, I tink my partner,
                                        he went in business for
                                        himself.  I finish you up.

He goes to the mate,
strokes one side of the
mate's upper lip with
his finger, which is
black with shoe polish,
painting a half mustache

                        CHICO:          This side she looks all

Repeat same business on
other side of lip.

                        CHICO:          Everything is all right
                                        over here too.

Chico feels the mate's
chin, making a black

                        CHICO:          Okay, Sergeant -

The mate stalks proudly
out of Barber Shop, in
his socks, unmindful of
the fact that he is
without his shoes.


                        END OF SEQUENCE "C"

                        SEQUENCE "D"



Captain Corcoran in midst
of group of pretty girls
and one or two men is
holding a spy-glass for
one of the girls to look
through, talking as Groucho
mounts the stair ladder
and joins the group, elbow-
ing his way to the Captain.

                        GROUCHO:        Are you the head-waiter
                                        here?  I want to regis-
                                        ter a complaint!

                        CAPTAIN:        Why, what's the matter?

                        GROUCHO:        Matter enough! How
                                        would you like to have
                                        somebody sneak into
                                        your stateroom at three
                                        o'clock in the morning?

                        CAPTAIN:        That's impossible on
                                        this ship!

                        GROUCHO:        And that's my complaint.
                                        I'm young and I want to
                                        live.  I want music,
                                        gaiety, ha-cha-cha!

                        CAPTAIN:        Don't you dare --

                        GROUCHO:        Another thing, I don't
                                        care for the way you're
                                        running this boat. Why
                                        don't you get in the
                                        back seat for a while
                                        and let your wife drive?

                        CAPTAIN:                (Indignantly)
                                        I'll have you know I've
                                        been captain of this
                                        ship for twenty-two years.

                        GROUCHO:        Twenty-two years, eh?
                                        It's about time you
                                        were promoted.  If you
                                        were a man, you'd go in
                                        business for yourself.
                                        I know a fella started
                                        only last year with
                                        just a canoe.  Now he's
                                        got more women than you
                                        could shake a stick at,
                                        if that's your idea of
                                        a good time.

                        CAPTAIN:        Look here! One more
                                        word out of you and
                                        I'll throw you in irons.

                        GROUCHO:        It's really a mashie
                                        shot, if the wind is
                                        against you, and if the
                                        wind isn't, I am. And
                                        another thing.  Those
                                        barrels down there.
                                        I wouldn't put a pig in
                                        one of those barrels -
                                        no, not even if you got
                                        down on your knees;

                        CAPTAIN:        Now see here --

Groucho turns and exits
into chart room.  Captain
follows right behind him,
Chico enters behind the
Captain.  Groucho wheels.

                        CHICO:          Everybody chasing me
                                        all over this boat.  I
                                        haven't eaten in three

                        GROUCHO:        Three days?  We've only
                                        been on the boat two

                        CHICO:          Well, I didn't eat
                                        yesterday, I didn't eat
                                        today, and I'm not going
                                        to eat tomorrow.  Say,
                                        this is a swell barrel
                                        you got here.  Look at
                                        that herring!

                        GROUCHO:        That's no herring -
                                        that's the skipper.

                        CHICO:          Sure, skipper herring.

                        GROUCHO:        No, he looks pickled
                                        to the eyes if they
                                        don't deceive me. And
                                        what can we do for you?

                        CHICO:          I came up here to see
                                        the captain's bridge.

                        GROUCHO:        Sorry, but he always
                                        keeps it in a glass of
                                        water while he's eating.
                                        Would you like to see
                                        where he sleeps?

                        CHICO:          That's a lot of bunk.

                        GROUCHO:        Maybe it would've been
                                        better if they had
                                        dropped you instead of
                                        the anchor.  Or would
                                        you rather be marooned
                                        on a nice desert island?

                        CHICO:          Ha! For dessert I like
                                        a lemon maroon.

                        GROUCHO:        You're just wasting your
                                        breath -- and that's no
                                        great loss, either.
                                        A fine sailor you are.
                                        You should have sailed
                                        with Columbus.
                                                (He turns to map)

                        CHICO:          My father and Columbus
                                        were great friends.
                                        They used to be partners.

                        GROUCHO:        Columbus and your
                                        father?  Columbus has
                                        been dead four hundred

                        CHICO:          That's why they split

                        GROUCHO:        Watch closely, folks.
                                        The more you look at
                                        him, the less you see.
                                        There's even less there
                                        than meets the eye.

                        CHICO:          Columbus was a great
                                        man. One day he take
                                        an egg - crack it on
                                        one side, next day he
                                        buy a ticket for New

                        GROUCHO:        They didn't have eggs
                                        in those days. They
                                        ate nothing but omelet.
                                                (With pencil he
                                                marks circle on
                                                map )
                                        Now, that's Columbus!

                        CHICO:          No, no, that's Columbus

                        GROUCHO:        Would you mind getting
                                        up off that flypaper
                                        and giving the flies a

                        CHICO:          You're crazy.  Flies
                                        can't read papers.

                        GROUCHO:                (Pointing to chart)
                                        Now Columbus sailed
                                        from Spain to India
                                        looking for a short
                                        cut --

                        CHICO:          Short cut?  Strawberry
                                        short cut?

                        GROUCHO:        I don't know.  It was
                                        the children's day off
                                        and I had to stay home
                                        and take care of the nurse.

                        CHICO:          What was the matter?
                                        Couldn't the nurse take
                                        care of herself?

                        GROUCHO:        You bet she could, but
                                        I found it out too late.
                                        But enough of this --
                                        let's get back to

                        CHICO:          No, I'd rather get back
                                        to the nurse.

                        GROUCHO:        Now, about Columbus --
                                        he was sailing along
                                        on his vessel --

                        CHICO:          What?

                        GROUCHO:        Vessel, don't you know
                                        what that is?

                        CHICO:          Sure, I can vessel.
                                                (He whistles)

                        GROUCHO:        Do you suppose I could
                                        buy back my introduction
                                        to you?  Now, Columbus
                                        had to send out an S.O.S
                                        one night because of a

                        CHICO:          No, no.  They don't
                                        have mutinees at night.
                                        Mutinees Wednesday and

                        GROUCHO:        Do you know what an
                                        S.O.S. is?

                        CHICO:          No.

                        GROUCHO:        Well, if you're on a
                                        sinking ship, you send
                                        out an S.O.S.

                        CHICO:          Why do you go on a ship
                                        that's sinking?

                        GROUCHO:        To get on the other
                                        side. Listen, what
                                        would you do if you were
                                        on a sinking ship?

                        CHICO:          I don't go on a ship.
                                        I take a train.

A boy passes through the chart-
room with tray.  Groucho
and Chico follow him into
Captain's quarters.


Captain's room.  The
Captain is seating himself
at the table and tucking
napkin into his vest.

The boy enters with the
tray of food which he
places on table.  Groucho
darts to vacant chair
and seats himself arrang-
ing napkin in his collar;
a split second later
Chico arrives, too late
for chair.

Groucho smiles across at
the Captain.

                        GROUCHO:        Too bad there isn't one
                                        less chair so you could
                                        both stand up.

                        CAPTAIN:        Do you know you fellows
                                        look just like a couple
                                        of stowaways who are
                                        loose on this boat. In
                                        fact, you look exactly
                                        like them.

                        CHICO:          What do they look like?

                        CAPTAIN:        One of them looked like
                                        you - and one looked
                                        like you.

                        GROUCHO:        Can't be us.  Everybody
                                        says there are no two
                                        people look less alike
                                        us than we do.

                        CHICO:          I know I don't look
                                        like us.

                        GROUCHO:        Did you ever consider
                                        that the other two
                                        stowaways might look
                                        exactly like us?

                        CHICO:          Sure, just the same
                                        size - only much bigger!

                        CAPTAIN:        One goes around with a
                                        big black moustache.

                        GROUCHO:        So do I.  But I'd
                                        rather go around
                                        with a little blonde.

                        CAPTAIN:        I say one goes around
                                        with a big black

                        GROUCHO:        Well, you couldn't
                                        expect a moustache to
                                        go around by itself.
                                        If you were a moustache
                                        would you go around by

                        CAPTAIN:        I know there are four
                                        stowaways on this boat.

                        GROUCHO:        You're wrong.  There
                                        are five.  We carry an
                                        extra one in case the
                                        boat sinks.

                        CAPTAIN:        One of these fellows
                                        had a black moustache.

                        CHICO:          Well, I haven't got a
                                        black moustache.

                        CAPTAIN:        The other was a short

                        GROUCHO:        I'm not a short Italian.

                        CHICO:          You know you could get
                                        in trouble calling me a
                                        short moustache and him
                                        a black Italian.

                        CAPTAIN:        What do the other fellows
                                        look like, do you know?

                        GROUCHO:        I don't know what they
                                        look like.  One of them
                                        has got red hair and the
                                        other one's got spats.

                        CAPTAIN:        You mean he's got spats
                                        on his feet?

                        CHICO:          Sometimes he's got spats
                                        on his feet, but when he
                                        eats he's got spats on
                                        his vest.

                        GROUCHO:        How do we know you're
                                        not the stowaways?
                                        You've got a black moust-
                                        ache and spats on your

                        CAPTAIN:        I won't have you talk
                                        like that to me.

                        GROUCHO:        You better keep quiet or
                                        I'll report you to the
                                        four stowaways.

Chico picks up a piece
of food.

                        CAPTAIN:        I don't want --

                        GROUCHO:        Now run along and go
                                        back to your barrel.
                                        You ought to be ashamed
                                        of yourself, a big boy
                                        like you running around
                                        in a sailor suit, and
                                        here's a nickel for to-

                        CAPTAIN:        I'd give five hundred
                                        dollars of my own money
                                        for the capture of these

                        GROUCHO:        All right.  Then you
                                        don't get the nickel.

The Captain exits.

                        CHICO:          I wish I had five hundred
                                        dollars.  I don't like
                                        being chased around.
                                        I'd buy a ticket on the
                                        boat if I had five hun-
                                        dred dollars.

                        [Three pages missing!]

                        SEQUENCE "C"


Showing Farina and Mary.
There is a CLOSE UP of
a newspaper, showing
large headlines over
photo of Joe Farina, which
reads as follows:

        "Millionaire racketeer,
        former gangland over-
        lord, crashes society --
        Joe Farina returns to
        America with daughter,
        recent graduate of
        Continental finishing
        school, to open new
        mansion in smart-set

PAN DOWN to show Joe
Farina reading paper.
Joe cautiously starts
to tear the news item
out of the paper.  Enter
Mary, pretty, young,
finishing-school type,
smartly dressed, lady.

                        MARY:           Good morning, dad.
                                                (Kisses him.  Joe
                                                holds the paper
                                                he is tearing so
                                                she can't see.)
                                        Not even dressed yet!
                                                (Kisses him play-

As she caresses Joe, he
slyly tears item from
paper and crushes it
into pocket of his robe.

                        JOE:                    (Relieved)
                                        You can do all the
                                        dressing for the
                                        family, Mary.
                                        Old Joe Farina's taking
                                        things easy for the
                                        rest of his life. We're
                                        big shots now, babe.


Shooting over heads of
Mary and Joe, whose backs
are turned to the door.
The door opens noiselessly.
Chico and Harpo appear.
Harpo is carrying a checker
board on which is set up a
complete set of chessmen
already in play,  Without
looking around they step
into the lower bunk of a
two-tiered bunk in the
corner, squatting, and
absorbedly continuing
the game.

(During Harpo's and Chico's
entrance, Mary's and Joe's
voices are heard continu-
ing conversation.)

                        VOICE:          Wait till you see the
                                        swell house I built for
                                        you.  37 rooms and 14
                                        baths.  Cost me three
                                        million bucks.

                        VOICE:          Three million!  Dad,
                                        how did you ever make
                                        so much money?

PAN to Joe and Mary.

                        JOE:            How did I make all my dough?
                                        Why -- er -- er - you
                                        wouldn't understand if
                                        I told you, honey, but -
                                        but --
                                        but I got it honestly.
                                        Just as honest as all
                                        those big-business
                                        rackets.  Anyway, babe,
                                        I'm retired now all
                                        washed up.  That's all
                                        behind us, hey?
                                                (Pinches her cheek)

Mary and Joe at table.
There is a peremptory
knocking at door.  Joe
looks up surprised and
utters a startled "Come
in".  The door swings
open in a wide semi-circle
and Alky Briggs enters,
his mouth twisted,  Alky's
eyes shift from Joe to
Mary, a hard, insolent

                        BRIGGS:         Hello, Joe.

                        JOE:            What do you want?

                        BRIGGS:                 (with glance at
                                                Mary, who shrinks
                                        This is your kid, eh.
                                        Ain't ya gonna intro-
                                        duce me?

                        JOE:                    (Eyes blazing -
                                                then to Mary)
                                        Wait in there, Mary.
                                        This is business.
                                                (Opens door for

                        MARY:                   (Alarmed)

                        JOE:            Don't worry.

Mary goes - Joe shuts
the door.  He advances
to Briggs, shoulders
squared, arms on hips,
jaw set.

                        BRIGGS:         Gone high-hat, eh?  Too
                                        big-time to know your
                                        old business partners?

                        JOE:            I wouldn't see you be-
                                        fore and I won't see you
                                        now.  I don't know you.
                                        Get out!

                        BRIGGS:         You can't Ritz me.
                                        What's more, you're
                                        gonna do me a big favor.

                        JOE:            I am, am I?

                        BRIGGS:         Sit down here.
                                                (pushes Joe down
                                                violently on berth
                                                where Harpo and
                                                Chico are lost in
                                        I'm taking up your old
                                        territory where you left
                                        off.  GET ME?
                                                (Bangs hand down
                                                on chess board.
                                                Pieces fly.)

                        JOE:            Take it if you think
                                        you can get it.  I'M
                                                (Bangs his hand
                                                down on chess
                                                board.  More
                                                pieces fly --
                                                Boys still en-
                                                grossed in game,
                                                thinking hard.)

Joe goes to door,
Briggs grabs him.

                        BRIGGS:         I can get it all right.
                                        All you've got to do
                                        is say the word.

Joe pushes Briggs off.
They glare across the
end of a table.  The boys
have moved chess board
all set up again to table
top, still lost in game.

                        BRIGGS:         YA GOTTA HELP ME!
                                                (Hits table top.
                                                Pieces dance about)

                        JOE:            I'm helping NOBODY!
                                                (Lays down cigar
                                                butt on chess
                                        GET ME?
                                                (Picks up Harpo's
                                                cigarette by

Harpo jumps cigar butt
on board, takes it, puts
it in his mouth uncon-
sciously, goes on playing.

                        BRIGGS:                 (Shaking finger
                                                in Joe's face)
                                        You're gonna give notice
                                        that I'm stepping into
                                        your shoes as boss.
                                                (Sticks hand into
                                                Harpo's pocket by
                                                mistake and pulls
                                                out a fish.
                                                Points it at Joe.)
                                        You're gonna give me
                                        the Joe Farina label.

                        JOE:                    (Puts hands up,
                                                then slaps fish
                                                out of Briggs'
                                                hand right into
                                                chess game)
                                        GET OUT!

                        BRIGGS:                 (Following Joe,
                                                pulls gun)
                                        You're gonna pass your
                                        drag along to ME. GET
                                        THAT?  Keep 'em up.
                                        You're gonna put me

                        JOE:            Not a chance, you rat!
                                                (Knocks gun out
                                                of Briggs' hand)

Shot of gun flying
under bed, where boys
are now playing chess,
up-setting pieces.

                        JOE:                    (Gripping Briggs
                                                by coat)
                                        Get out of here!

                        BRIGGS:                 (Gasping)
                                        I'll get you for this --
                                        You can't make all the
                                        dough and then run out
                                        on your pals.
                                        Making a monkey outta
                                        yourself trying to be
                                        a swell --

Joe rams Briggs against
the closed closet door
in the scuffle.  Door
comes open, revealing
Harpo and Chico still
lost in chess game.

Joe slams Briggs into
breakfast tray and stand
under which the boys are
now playing the chess
game.  Dishes pour down
on game.

                        JOE:                    (As Briggs breaks
                                                his hold)
                                        Get out of here before
                                        I strangle you!

                        BRIGGS:         I'll get you!
                                                (Chokes in rage
                                                and grabs silver
                                                from tray and
                                                begins to hurl
                                                it at Joe)


Harpo and Chico, now
playing game seated in
the bath tub.  Knives
and forks fly by their
heads and stick into
wall.  They pay no atten-
tion as sounds of fight
inside room continue.
Door to bath opens and
Mary appears.

                        MARY:           Help - help - my
                                        father --
                                                (She slaps
                                                chess board)
                                        Help - help my father.
                                                (Harpo and Chico
                                                pay no attention)
                                        Help my father.
                                                (She spills the
                                                chess board
                                                with a stroke
                                                of her hand)


The other room.

Farina and Briggs are
locked in another

Harpo and Chico enter
and, while pretending to
help, merely circle around
and keep out of danger.
Harpo swings stick with
horn like golf club and
hits Farina on the head,
knocking him out, as he
drops to a couch, un-
conscious.  Briggs,
thinking he's out-numbered,
makes a quick getaway.


Mary, who has been watch-
ing the fight, just going
into a swoon.  Harpo
catches her in his arms
and taking advantage of
her faint, puts her limp
arm about his neck, etc.
Chico comes in.

                        CHICO:                  (To Mary)
                                        Which one is your father?
                                                (Mary, coming out
                                                of faint, makes
                                                a movement with
                                                her head)
                                        She doesn't know. That's
                                        what they were fighting

Farina comes to and grabs
Harpo by the coat collar.
Harpo slides out of the
coat, then hands Farina
his silk hat.

                        JOE:            Who are you guys?

                        MARY:                   (Coming out of
                                                faint, inter-
                                                cedes for the
                                        Dad, they saved your

                        JOE:                    (Rubbing his
                                                sore head)
                                        Oh. What do you do?

Harpo does hand business
to Joe, who pushes him
off, then does same hand
business to Mary.

                        CHICO:                  (Steps between
                                                Joe and Harpo)
                                        My partner he no speak.

                        JOE:            Good.  Can you keep
                                        your mouth shut?

                        CHICO:          I keep my mouth shut
                                        even better than he
                                                (Points to Harpo)

                        JOE:                    (To Chico)
                                        I need help.  This guy
                                        Briggs.  I wish I could
                                        get some tough birds to
                                        protect my gal in there
                                        till I get home.

                        CHICO:          You wanta TOUGH GUYS?
                                        Me and my partner, we's
                                        a TOUGH.
                                                (Harpo nods)

                        JOE:            YOU TOUGH?

                        CHICO:          Sure a we TOUGH. I'M
                                        so TOUGH, I don't know
                                        when somebody hit me.
                                        They hafta tella me.

                        JOE:                    (To Harpo)
                                        How about this guy?

                        CHICO:          He's a tougher than
                                        me. He's a what you call a
                                        TOUGH guy.  Strong a
                                        fella.  He fight,--gun--
                                        knife--no diff-  He's a
                                        TOUGH guy.

                        JOE:            IF I thought that you
                                        guys were TOUGH, I'd
                                        give you plenty dough
                                        to cover me.

                        CHICO:          You pay money?  We show
                                        you how tough he (Harpo)
                                        is. Once he punch a
                                        man in the nose--he no
                                        come to for six a days.
                                                (To Harpo)
                                        Show him how you can

                                                (Harpo socks
                                                Chico on nose)

                        CHICO:                  (Knocked almost
                                        That's a nothing. Just
                                        a the right a hand.
                                        He's a left hand - once
                                        he hit a me so hard it
                                        knocked out two other
                                        fellas.  Show him.

                                                (Harpo socks Chico
                                                with his left)

                        CHICO:                  (Reeling)
                                        He puncha so hard you
                                        feel it too, hey?
                                                (To Harpo)
                                        Kick a me and show him.
                                                (To Joe)
                                        He's a quiet fella.
                                                (Harpo kicks Chico)
                                        Ha, that's nothing.
                                        He's a got bigger shoes.
                                        Big a boots.
                                                (Harpo kicks
                                                Chico, who is
                                                nearly out)
                                        Ha, ha, that's a NOTHING.
                                        I'm his FRIEND. He do
                                        that for NOTHING.

Groucho's face appears
snooping at one window.
Zeppo is with him.

                        GROUCHO:        I'm spyin' on you.

                        MARY:                   (Pointing to
                                        Look, Dad. Who's there?

As Joe turns, the faces
of Groucho and Zeppo dis-

                        JOE:                    (Drawing Harpo and
                                                Chico to the win-
                                                dow points out)
                                        Come here.  Look, see
                                        those guys?


Deck or shot through
the window.

Alky Briggs is seen for
a flash in earnest con-
versation with Groucho
and  Zeppo. Briggs is
handing Groucho a gun
and pointing to Farina's


Joe, Harpo and Chico.

                        JOE:            Listen.  I need pro-
                                        tection from those guys.

                        GROUCHO:        Either talk a little
                                        louder or make your
                                        conversation more

                                                (Window sash comes
                                                down on his neck)

                        JOE:            Stick, with me till I
                                        get home and I'll give
                                        you plenty of dough.
                                        Take this gun.
                                                (Slips automatic
                                                into Harpo's hand)

                        GROUCHO:        Will you close this
                                        window?  It's awful
                                        drafty out here.

                        CHICO:          Sure we stick with you.

                        JOE:            Don't leave me one min-
                                        ute.  Briggs is trying
                                        to get me.

                        CHICO:                  (To Harpo)
                                        Understand?  Anybody
                                        comes near Farina,
                                        knock him cold.

Harpo hits Chico on head
with butt of gun.

                        JOE:                    (Grabs Harpo)
                                        Lay off!

                        CHICO:          He's just practicing.


Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo
on Deck.

                        BRIGGS:         When Farina comes outta
                                        that door, I'll get him.
                                        Stick behind me, don't
                                        leave me one minute.

Farina's stateroom door
opens and Harpo and Chico
come out - stand like
bank guards protecting
armored truck. They post
themselves on opposite
sides of the door, with
hands in pockets, nursing

Farina and Mary come out.
Harpo and Chico fall in
behind them and march,
convoying them down the
deck. They pass Briggs,
Groucho and Zeppo who
are lurking in passage-

Gibson approaches and
Harpo and Chico desert
Joe and Mary, jumping
behind life boat. Joe
and Mary move on, unaware
that Harpo and Chico have


Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo.

                        BRIGGS:                 (To Groucho
                                                and Zeppo)
                                        Now's my chance. You
                                        boys talk to Joe and
                                        I'll get him from be-


Joe and Mary standing
backs to life boat,
searching for Harpo and

                        ZEPPO:                  (To Mary)
                                        Your life is in danger.
                                        Don't stand here.

                        GROUCHO:                (Coming into scene)
                                        How would you like to
                                        be shot, sideways or in
                                        a group?

                        JOE:                    (Looking around)
                                        Where's my bodyguard?

                        MARY:                   (To Zeppo)
                                        Don't let them hurt my

Zeppo shelters her.
Groucho slips arms about

                        GROUCHO:                (Slips arm
                                                about Mary)
                                        With your brawny arms
                                        around me,  I'm not
                                        afraid of the whole
                                        wide world.

                        MARY:                   (To Zeppo)
                                        I am afraid.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Reassuringly)
                                        Don't be afraid. We're
                                        looking after you.

                        JOE:                    (Affectionately)
                                        Now you stop frettin',

                                        hear me?  I want you to
                                        have a good time, walk
                                        around, play those deck
                                                (To Zeppo)
                                        Take her in and get her
                                        a soda.

                        ZEPPO:                  (To Mary)
                                        Do you want to?

She smiles and they walk

                        JOE:            No one's scaring Big
                                        Joe Farina.

                        GROUCHO:        No? Listen, Big Mans,
                                        there's a certain some-
                                        body out to shoot you
                                        in your fat little
                                        tummy  and  that  certain
                                        someone is me.  Now,
                                        if I were you, I'd
                                        apply for a license to
                                        carry a pistol.

                        JOE:                    (Thinking aloud)
                                        Out to get me, eh?
                                                (Turns to Groucho)
                                        Say, thanks for the tip.
                                        I'm your friend for
                                        life.  Anything I can
                                        do for you, you let me

                        GROUCHO:        Well, you might stand
                                        over there against
                                        that rail and let me
                                        take a shot at you.

                        JOE:            I'm much obliged to
                                        you.  Anything you
                                        want, just say the

                        GROUCHO:        I'm not particular.
                                        All I want is a cozy
                                        nursery, my building
                                        bwocks and you to tuck
                                        me in at night, with
                                        Muvver sitting on my
                                        knee.  Then I won't be
                                        afraid of the bogey


of deck with Gibson seen
approaching.  Groucho
spots him and beats it.


                        END OF SEQUENCE "E"

                        SEQUENCE "F"


Harpo pursued by Gibson
hides behind a life boat,
as Gibson stops scratch-
ing his head, looking
over the passengers walk-
ing the deck.  Harpo ducks
into a door marked:



A Punch and Judy show is
in progress.  A group of
children of various ages
are watching the show,
laughing and clapping
their hands in glee.

Harpo joins the crowd an


Gibson as he opens
Nursery door.



Gibson inspects the crowd
of children in search of
Harpo. PAN to stage of
Punch and Judy.

Harpo's face appears as
one of the characters.
On one side of him is
Mrs. Punch, on the other
is Mr. Punch.  Gibson
becoming interested in the
show moves up for a better
view, standing with his
face close to the stage
left, following the play
with an expression of
child-like wonderment.

Punch smacks Harpo on
the head with slapstick.
Harpo turns with fierce
expression to Punch.
Gibson and kids howl with

Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo
with slapstick on the
opposite side of his head.
Harpo turns and shows his
teeth in rage.  Gibson
and kids laugh louder.

Punch smacks Harpo
again and turns and assumes a
fake smile to keep from
giving himself away to
Gibson who roars at the

Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo
again and she drops down
out of sight.

Harpo turns, infuriated.
Mrs. Punch having dis-
appeared, he notes Gibson's
proximity, thinks that he
hit the last smack.

Harpo leans over the edge
of the stage and socks
Gibson on the jaw, knock-
ing him out.

Harpo ducks and runs into
an adjoining room of the
Nursery. This room con-
tains baby cribs, sand
piles and a chute for
kids to slide down. One
larger kid is bouncing up
and down on spring device,
fastened to his shoes.
The chute has a ladder on
the back.  Another ladder,
similar in design stands
against the wall.

Harpo comes in and picking
up a tin shovel from sand
pile, runs up the ladder
set against the wall, pre-
tends to be tacking up a
duck painted on the wall
as part of decoration.

Gibson rushes in and looks
around.  As Gibson looks
behind baby crib, Harpo
slides down ladder to make
getaway, but Gibson turns
and starts for closet at
foot of chute.  Harpo
scrambles up ladder but
in his hurried confusion
goes up the ladder of the
chute.  Unaware he stands
atop the chute, tacking
a similar duck painted on
wall as Gibson opens door
of closet.  The door
swings back against the
bottom of the chute with
such force that Harpo
loses his footing and
slides down chute hitting
closet door and it slams
shut, knocking Gibson
into closet.

Harpo jumps up and
crawls behind crib. Gibson
emerges from the closet
and continues searching in
next room for Harpo.

When Harpo rises from be-
hind crib, he has on a
nurse's ruffled cap and
'kerchief.  He picks up
a pretty baby and holds it
like a mother.  Gibson
pokes his nose in door for
a second and is deceived.

Harpo moves at crib and
shows his foot slipping
inadvertently into a toy
push-box.  Then as Harpo
leans over to place the
baby down the action
squeaks the push-box on
Harpo's foot.  He thinks
it is the baby.

Harpo nurses the baby again
in his arms, then when he
tries to place it in the
crib again, the push-box
makes the same squeak.
Continue the same business
as long as desirable.
Finally the push-box be-
comes disengaged from
Harpo's foot and he puts
the baby down, pinching
its pretty face.  As he
does so the baby sticks
out his tongue and gives
Harpo the bird.

Gibson appears again, still
looking for Harpo, who slips
behind the chute where a
group of kiddies are clamber-
ing to slide.  Harpo lifts
them up and pushes them
down the chute.   A short,
dignified old man comes in
with two small kids who
want to slide.  Harpo lifts
the first kid and pushes
him down chute.  Then he
lifts the little short man
and pushes him down chute.

The little man rushes back
at Harpo, shaking his index
finger at him in high in-
dignation.  Harpo mistaking
the action, shakes two
fingers at the little man,
picks him up and gives him
another ride down chute.

Gibson returns and Harpo
ducks through door.  Gibson
follows.  There is a long
play table with cover
reaching to floor. Harpo
crawls under.  Gibson
drops to floor and sticks
his head under covering,
his feet, soles up,
visible only.

Harpo crawls out.  Sees
Gibson's feet.  Harpo
puts a pair of spring
devices on Gibson's feet.

Harpo makes for door lead-
ing to deck as Gibson
comes as from under cover-


Deck as Harpo comes out
of Nursery door.  Gibson
right after him, but his
steps are noticeably
bouncy.  Harpo runs to
the ship's rail and stops.
Gibson springs way over
his head and disappears
over a rail.  There is a
shout of "Man overboard!"

Harpo looks at a glassed-
in case containing a
special life ring con-
trivance.  Painted on
glass is: IN CASE OF

Harpo breaks the glass
and then walks away.


A shot showing Gibson,
having landed on the deck
below, picking himself up
in a rage.


Harpo walking along


                        END OF SEQUENCE "F"

                        SEQUENCE "G"



In between two boats Alky
Briggs is whispering to
Groucho and Zeppo.

                        BRIGGS:         Listen, I have an idea
                                        there's going to be
                                        trouble, and I want
                                        you two boys to stick
                                        close to me.
                                                (He gives them a
                                                quick look)
                                        Not afraid, are you?

                        ZEPPO:          Well --

                        GROUCHO:        Afraid?  Me afraid?
                                        A man who's licked his
                                        weight in wild cater-
                                        pillars?  Afraid?  You
                                        bet I'm afraid!

                        ZEPPO:                  (To Briggs)
                                        What sort of trouble
                                        do you expect?

                        BRIGGS:         Well, Farina's hired
                                        two tough gorillas and
                                        I think they're out to
                                        get me.

                        GROUCHO:        What are they gonna
                                        get you?

                        BRIGGS:         They'll get us all an
                                        ocean funeral if we
                                        don't watch ourselves.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Astounded)

                        BRIGGS:                 (Ominously)
                                        Anything can happen.

Lucille appears, obvious-
ly searching for Briggs.
She stops, frowning.

Groucho sees Lucille and
starts to go into tango
with her.  She repulses

                        LUCILLE:                (Shrill fury in
                                        Oh, here you are, loaf-
                                        ing around with these
                                        tramps and me --

                        GROUCHO:        How are things in the
                                        closet?  Everything all
                                        right when you left?

                        LUCILLE:        I don't want to talk to

                        GROUCHO:        I ketch on.  Hubby,
                                                (Nudges her)

                        ZEPPO:                  (In low voice to
                                        Don't you think we
                                        ought to go?

                        GROUCHO:        Go and leave this
                                        prince of fine fellows
                                        to face a madwoman's
                                                (To Briggs)
                                        No, you go and I'll
                                        stay here with the
                                        woman, eh baby?

                        LUCILLE:                (Brushing Groucho
                                        Let me tell you, Alky
                                        Briggs --

Briggs silences her
savagely, turning to
Groucho and Zeppo.

                        BRIGGS:         Just a minute, you

He walks off arguing
furiously with Lucille.


A point further down the
deck.  Several people
are playing rope quoits;
one of them holding a
handful of quoits, Harpo
brushes against him, the
quoits falling into
Harpo's hands.  Passenger
turns to remonstrate with
forefinger in air. Harpo
rings his hand with three
fast quoits.  Passenger
sputters, trying to re-
move them.  Harpo darts
up to him, raises his
hand again and Chico rings
several more on passen-
ger's arm.


Harpo as he appears with
three circular life pre-
servers, his eyes beam-
ing as if ready to ring
passenger with those.



Groucho and Zeppo see
Chico coming down deck.

                        CHICO:          Did you see a fella
                                        named Alky Briggs?

                        GROUCHO:        See him? Why we never
                                        leave him for a minute.

                        ZEPPO:          We're his bodyguards.

                        CHICO:          We're looking for Joe
                                        Farina. We're HIS
                                        bodyguards. We never
                                        leave him either. How
                                        much do you fellows

                        ZEPPO:          We don't know yet.

                        CHICO:          It's not enough.

                        GROUCHO:        Take my advice, lay
                                        off of Briggs.  We're
                                        working for HIM but
                                        we're going to try to
                                        get a job working for
                                        Farina, too.

                        CHICO:          Well, maybe we can get
                                        a job with Briggs, too.

                        GROUCHO:        How can you work for
                                        both sides the way we

                        CHICO:          I got time on my day
                                        off.  You see, I work
                                        for Briggs all week
                                        and get Farina.  Then
                                        on Thursday, my day
                                        off, I work for Farina
                                        and get Briggs.

                        GROUCHO:        What if Briggs or
                                        Farina are not there?

                        CHICO:          Then I get anybody
                                        who's hanging around.

                        GROUCHO:        Suppose that I am
                                        hanging around.

                        CHICO:          Well, if it is a week-
                                        day I'll get you.  If
                                        it's Thursday I'll
                                        help you get me.

                        GROUCHO:        Fine, what do you say
                                        we get you next


Harpo over by a row of
a chairs.  He is fold-
ing one of them very
methodically, bears it
over to edge of rail and
drops it overboard, dusts
his hands with satisfac-
tion and turns toward
chairs again.


Zeppo -- his eye struck
on something off-screen.


Mary walking on upper


Zeppo as he starts for


Harpo folding another
deck chair, bearing it
to edge of rail and drop-
ping it overboard.  He
returns to deck chairs,
approaching stout old
lady asleep in one of
them.  He nudges her but
she does not move.  He
tickles her, pirouetting
away and laughing as if
he himself had been
tickled.  No response.
Puzzled, he stares at her,
then takes alarm clock
from pocket, sets it and
lets it go off.  She
rises sleepily.  He picks
up deck chair, folds it,
brushes it off, and drops
it overboard.

Groucho approaches a
small table.

                        GROUCHO:        Hey, you forgot this.

Harpo gone, Groucho
shrugs shoulders, picks
up table and throws it

Joe Farina, preoccupied,
comes walking by, obvious-
ly looking for Mary.
Groucho darts up to him
buttonholing him, sales-
man fashion, puffing on

                        GROUCHO:        Just the man I was
                                        looking for.  If I
                                        could show you how to
                                        save 20%, would you be
                                        interested?  Of course,
                                        you would.
                                                (Strides around
                                                Farina like an
                                                efficiency expert
                                                who has turned
                                                over a point.)
                                        In the first place,
                                        your overhead is too
                                        high. Interested
                                        already, aren't you?
                                        Just wait till I get

                        JOE:                    (Attempting to
                                        I ain't got time.

                        GROUCHO:        Now, look!  There are
                                        two fellas trying
                                        to attack you, aren't

                        JOE:            Why --

                        GROUCHO:        Exactly.  You've got
                                        two bodyguards, haven't
                                        you?  There you are.
                                        50% waste.  Why can't
                                        you be attacked by your
                                        own bodyguards?

                        JOE:            What're you gettin' at?

                        GROUCHO:        I anticipated that
                                        question.  How does an
                                        army travel? On it's
                                        stomach. How do you
                                        travel?  On a ship.
                                        Of course, you're sav-
                                        ing your stomach.  Now,
                                        that same common sense
                                        will save you --

                        JOE:            I don't think you --

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, I realize it's a
                                        penny here and a penny
                                        there, but look at it
                                        from a woman's ankle...
                                        What do you say?

                        JOE:            I'll tell you what I
                                        say, I say --

                        GROUCHO:        I knew you'd see it.
                                        I'm your new bodyguard.
                                        In case I'm gonna
                                        attack you, I'll have
                                        to be there to defend
                                        you, too. Let me know
                                        when you want to be
                                        attacked and I'll be
                                        there ten minutes later
                                        to defend you.
                                                (Laughs con-
                                        And you said you didn't
                                        have time to talk to me.




Zeppo is walking nervous-
ly and rapidly toward
CAMERA, pausing to look
over shoulder now and
then.  Mary Farina, in
smart sports clothes,
steps out of companionway.
Zeppo brushes into her,
moves off, then turns
back to apologize.

                        ZEPPO:          I'm terribly sorry.
                                        Did I hurt you?

                        MARY:                   (Startled)
                                        Why, no --

                        ZEPPO:          (Sheepishly)
                                        You see, I was hurry-
                                        ing, and --

                        MARY:                   (Smiling)
                                        So I noticed.

                        ZEPPO:          I -- do quite a lot
                                        of hurrying --
                                                (Now trying to make
                                        I should have been more

                        MARY:           That's quite all right.
                                                (Starts to walk

                        ZEPPO:          (After her)
                                        Aren't you going to
                                        let me ... apologize?

                        MARY:           But you did apologize.

                        ZEPPO:          I did?

Zeppo keeps abreast of
both of them.  Unseen by
her he takes his handker-
chief from breast pocket
and drops it behind her.
He halts her by touching
her arm.

                        ZEPPO:          Pardon me, is this

Mary looks down at obvious
man's handkerchief on deck.

                        MARY:           Why, no.
                                                (She suppresses
                                                a smile)

While Zeppo is picking
up his handkerchief, she
drops hers in front of

                        MARY:                   (Pointing to
                                        Is this yours?

                        ZEPPO:                  (with understanding
                                        Yes, it is.

He picks it up and folds
it, carefully pressing
it in his breast pocket.
They glance at each other
mischievously as we


                END OF SEQUENCE "G"

                SEQUENCE "H"



Of liner already in
quarantine.  The morning
mist is lifting. Passen-
gers at rail, perhaps
the Statue of Liberty
seen dimly in the dis-
tance, and general
activity previous to

QUICK SHOT down the
side of the steamer
showing the immigration
tender already lashed
to gangplank.



Gibson is talking to a
group of passengers.

                        GIBSON:         Have your landing
                                        cards and passports
                                        ready.  Remember, you
                                        can't get off the
                                        boat without them.



Showing cameramen and
reporters coming off
gangplank.  Buzz of

(The dialogue at this
point is rapid and
fused into journalistic
shop talk)

                        REPORTER:       That's ambassador --
                                        what's his name?
                                        He's on the boat. We
                                        gotta get a good
                                        picture of him.

                        REPORTER:       Hey, Fred, the boss is
                                        hot on that foreign
                                        loan stuff.  Let's get
                                        him first.

                        REPORTER:       Hey, boys, where's the
                                        opera dame?

                        REPORTER:       Oh, take it easy.  We
                                        got time.


Point down on outside
deck where dignified
opera dame, diplomat
and financier are sur-
rounded by the press
who are firing questions
at them.

(The questions and
answers are spoken al-
most simultaneously)

                        REPORTER:               (To opera singer)
                                        But can we quote you,

                        SINGER:                 (In broken
                                                English -
                                                French accent)
                                        Ah, non. What would
                                        my manager say?

                                                (Groucho butts
                                                in between

                        GROUCHO:        I'd like to ask you a
                                        few insulting ques-
                                        tions!  Do you think
                                        the Atlantic Ocean is
                                        here to stay?  Did you
                                        know that King Solomon's
                                        temple was on the side
                                        of his head?  What is
                                        it that has eight legs
                                        and gives more milk
                                        than a cow?  Two cows.

The third reporter
signals to cameraman,
a few feet away.

                        REPORTER:       O.K., Joe.


Cameraman who nods and
squeezes bulb in his
hand. A loud honk-honk,
and the camera straight-
ens up revealing Harpo
and no camera.

(The apparent camera
cloth was his own cape,
and the bulb the head
of his cane)

Rolling his eyes, he
drifts from the pic-


A photographer on the
verge of snapping pic-
ture of the diplomat.
Chico darts up to
diplomat, seizing his
hand and shaking it

                        CHICO:          Hello, hello.  Are you
                                        working now?

                        DIPLOMAT:               (Bewildered)
                                        Of course I am. I'm --

                        CHICO:          Where did you get the
                                        job?  Maybe they got
                                        one for my grandpa.
                                        He's just about your
                                        size and he ain't
                                        smart either.

                        DIPLOMAT:       Why, you --

                        CHICO:          Poor old fella.  He
                                        ain't lifted a hand in
                                        28 years except to
                                        take a poke at my
                                        grandma.  You can't
                                        make any money that

Chico has been holding
the diplomat's hand
throughout this.  He
immediately starts arm
wrestling with diplomat.

                        CHICO:          You lost that one.
                                        This time for money,
                                        eh, Serge?

They tug at each other's
arms again.   CUT in
Harpo as he seizes the
diplomat's other arm and
begins same procedure.



Of opera singer ready
to pose for her picture.
Groucho jumps out from
behind her, encircling
her waist.

                        GROUCHO:        And you can say it
                                        was a pure love match.
                                        We married for money,
                                        eh, my shrinking
                                        violet?  Say, it
                                        wouldn't hurt you to
                                        shrink thirty pounds.

                        SINGER:                 (Struggling to
                                                get free)
                                        You -- you impudent --

                        GROUCHO:        Charming little
                                        monster, isn't she?
                                        But as gentle as a
                                        mouse.  And we're go-
                                        ing to be quite happy,
                                        aren't we Miss --
                                        Miss --

                        SINGER:         I'll report you to
                                        your paper for this!

                        GROUCHO:        I'll thank you to
                                        let me do the report-
                                        ing. Come clean now!
                                        Is it true you are
                                        getting a Paris
                                        divorce as soon as
                                        your husband recovers
                                        his eye-sight?  Is
                                        it true you broke a
                                        light for every heart
                                        on Broadway?  Is it
                                        true you wash your
                                        hair in clam broth?
                                        Is it true you used
                                        to dance in a flea
                                        You playboy you!
                                        No, don't touch me!

                        SINGER:         This is an outrage!
                                        If you don't stop,
                                        I'll call the Captain.

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, so that's it.
                                        Infatuated with a
                                        pretty uniform, white
                                        pants and a jaunty
                                        cap.  Huh!  We don't
                                        count after we've
                                        given you the best
                                        years of our lives,
                                        do we?  You have to
                                        have an officer.

                        SINGER:         I don't like this

                        GROUCHO:        That's what I always
                                        say.  Love flies out
                                        the door when money
                                        comes innuendo.



Of Zeppo and Mary lean-
ing over rails, talking.

                        MARY:           You're awfully glum.

                        ZEPPO:                  (Despondently)
                                        I was just thinking
                                        after the boat lands
                                        I may never see you

                        MARY:           Does it matter to you
                                        whether you ever see
                                        me again?

                        ZEPPO:          I can't think of any-
                                        thing in the world
                                        that matters more.

                        MARY:           You say nice things.
                                        I like you.



A long line of people
is filing very slowly
past two tables at
which are seated Immi-
gration Officials
examining the passports.
Chico crowds in at the
head of the line.

                        MAN:                    (Indignantly)
                                        What's going on here?

                        CHICO:          I think they're giving
                                        away samples.


The inspectors table, at
which Zeppo appears.

                        INSPECTOR:              (Looks up from his
                                                work - to Zeppo)
                                        Where's your passport?

                        ZEPPO:                  (Fishes paper out
                                                of his pocket,
                                                hands it to In-
                                                spector, points
                                                to it)
                                        That's my name.


Of Inspector's hands hold-
ing passport, on which is
a photo of Maurice

                        INSPECTOR:      Maurice Chevalier, eh!
                                        This doesn't look like

                        ZEPPO:          Sure, I'm Maurice
                                        Chevalier.  I'll sing
                                        for you.
                                                (He sings)
                                        If the Nightingale
                                        could sing like you, etc.

                        INSPECTOR:              (Breaking him off
                                        Get out of here, you.
                                                (Throws Zeppo out
                                                of scene)


Line as passengers move
up to table.  Chico
crowds into line.

                        PASSENGER:              (To Chico)
                                        Go to the end of the

Chico, taking the sugges-
tion, moves to the head
of the line, pushing in
front of the opera dame.

                        OPERA DAME:     How dare you!

                        INSPECTOR:      Passport.

                        CHICO:                  (Hands passport to
                                        That's me.

                        INSPECTOR:      It doesn't look like

                        CHICO:          I don't look like me
                                        from the front -- look
                                        at the side.
                                                (Turning the pass-
                                                port in the In-
                                                spector's hand)

                        INSPECTOR:      You're not Maurice
                                                (Hands back pass-

                        CHICO:          Sure, I am. Just
                                        because I don't look
                                        like Maurice Chevalier
                                        you say I'm not Maurice
                                        Chevalier! All right,
                                        I'll sing for you!
                                        If the Nightingale
                                        could sing like you,

                        INSPECTOR:      Get out of here, you!
                                                (Throws Chico out
                                                of the scene)


Groucho coming up to
the table.

                        INSPECTOR:      Passport.

                        GROUCHO:                (Handing passport)
                                        Maurice Chevalier is
                                        the name.

                        INSPECTOR:      Well this picture
                                        doesn't look like

                        GROUCHO:        I know it.  All my
                                        friends say I take
                                        a very good picture.

                        INSPECTOR:      Look at that face.
                                                (Hands passport

                        GROUCHO:        Look at that face, I
                                        dare you.
                                                (Indicating Opera

                        INSPECTOR:      Look here, you, iden-
                                        tify yourself.

                        GROUCHO:                (Sings)
                                        If the Nightingale
                                        could sing like you,

Groucho parades out
in front of the line
during song, catches
sight of guard and
immediately disappears.

PAN TO line showing
Harpo, who has crowded
in ahead of the other

                        INSPECTOR:      Passport!

Harpo hands him a
piece of pasteboard.

                        INSPECTOR:      I didn't say paste-
                                        board - I said passport.

Harpo hands him a pass-


Of Inspector's hands
holding passport.  The
photo on it is that of
a Chinaman.  The name
under it signed:
Charlie Hipsing.



                        INSPECTOR:      So you're Charlie

Harpo makes a face
like a chinaman.   Harpo
attempts to look like
a chinaman.  Standing
beside him is a man
with a little girl
in  his arms.  The
girl's hair hangs in
a long pigtail.
Harpo makes a cue out
of the girl's hair to
complete his disguise.
Inspector throws pass-
port down.

                        INSPECTOR:      Get out of here!

Harpo produces another


Of the Inspector's
hands, showing this
passport.  The photo
is that of a bearded
Russian - the name
signed to it is
Alexia Valeska.

                        INSPECTOR:              (Reads the name)
                                        Alexia Valeska.



Harpo, in the mean-
time, has acquired a
beard similar to the
one shown in the

                        INSPECTOR:              (Snatching beard
                                                from Harpo's
                                        Well, at least,
                                        you didn't say you
                                        were Maurice Chevalier.

Harpo hands him another
passport, starts to
whistle:  "If the Night-
ingale could sing like
you, etc,"

The Inspector explodes
at this and throws
Harpo out.


Ship docking.


Side of ship at dock.
A long rope ladder,
reaching from top deck
to dock, swings down
the ship side.

The Marxes appear on a
lower deck at spot where
ladder passes.  They
scramble over the deck
rail onto the ladder
and scurry like monkeys
to the bottom.  They
are about to put foot
on the dock.


A winch on upper deck.

Officer, standing by,
gives a signal and the
winch begins to wind up
rope which extends off-


Marxes on rope ladder.
The ladder is rapidly
pulled up ship's side,
as Marxes attempt to
climb down.  They make
no progress as they de-
scend the ascending
ladder.  They bunch
up at the end of the
ladder and are hoisted
up on deck.


SHOT ON deck as the appear-
ance of the Marxes sur-
prises the crew.  The
Marxes rush down the com-
panion way to deck below
as some members of the
crew give chase.


Large porthole on ship's

The Marxes open glass and
look down to water.



Four deckhands are put-
ting luggage on a chute
that extends from the
boat to the dock.

The four Marxes barge into
the scene and begin to
help them, putting suit-
cases and bags on the

                        GROUCHO:                (Takes a woman's
                                                hatbox from deck)
                                        Be careful the way
                                        you handle my hatbox!

                        CHICO:                  (To another deck-
                                        I help you, eh?  We'll
                                        smash 'em.
                                                (Throws the suit-
                                                case down the

Harpo is throwing other
bags down the chute.

                        ZEPPO:                  (To another deck-
                                                hand, who is care-
                                                lessly tossing
                                                luggage down the
                                        I'll report you to the

                        DECKHAND:       Oh, you will, will ya?
                                        Fresh guy, eh?

                        GROUCHO:                (Edging in)
                                        Cut that out!

                        CHICO:                  (To ugly looking
                                        Who are you anyway?

                        DECKHAND:       Shut up or we'll mow
                                        you down.

                        ZEPPO:          Is that so!

                        GROUCHO:        Oh, you want to fight!

                        DECKHAND:               (Pushing Groucho)
                                        Give me any more of
                                        your lip and I'll
                                        smear ya.

                        CHICO:          What's the matter?

                        DECKHAND:       He insulted me
                                        didn't he, boys?
                                                (To others)
                                        Let's clean 'em up.

                        GROUCHO:        Don't trifle with me.
                                        I have a hot Southern

                        CHICO:          We can lick you guys --
                                        for money.
                                                (Putting hand
                                                in pocket)
                                        Put up your money.

                        DECKHAND:       You're on!

                        GROUCHO:        All right, take off
                                        your coats.

Deckhands peel off their
coats and hats as Harpo
collects them.  As they
square off to fight
Groucho gets an idea.

                        GROUCHO:        Wait a minute - let's
                                        fight in the shade.

Groucho points to another
part of the ship and the
deckhands, eager for
battle, lead the way to
the new battleground.
The Marxes remain in their
tracks and hurriedly get
into the deckhands


Another part of deck.

SHOT OF deckhands look-
ing dumbly around for
the four men who
challenged them to


SHOT AT gangplank as the
Marxes try to saunter
off the boat.  They are
halted by an officer.

                        OFFICER:        Hey, you mugs, take
                                        off your hats and
                                        coats and come below,
                                        and scrub decks.

The Marxes are forced to
peel off the stolen coats.
They have their own coats
on underneath.



Passengers are going down
the gangplank.  In the
crowd on deck at the head
of gangplank is a very
fat gentleman.  He rudely
pushes his way forward,
jostling women.  Gibson
enters scene, takes fat
gentleman by arm.

                        GIBSON:         Take your time.
                                        Ladies first.

                        FAT MAN:        I'm in a hurry.

                        GIBSON:                 (Holding him back)
                                        Take your time.

                        FAT MAN:        Let me off the boat.
                                        I'm a sick man.  I
                                        feel faint.

                        GIBSON:         Stand back in line.

                        FAT MAN:        I tell you, I feel
                                        faint.  I'm going
                                        to faint.
                                                (He faints and
                                                falls on deck)

                        GIBSON:                 (As passengers
                                                become excited)
                                        Stand back!  Stand
                                        back!  Give him air!


LONG SHOT of crowd, in
great confusion, milling
around the fat man, who
reclines on deck.  Cries
and gesticulations.
Other passengers scurry
into scene, impelled by
curiosity, until nothing
can be seen except backs
of the crowd.  Two deck-
hands carrying stretcher
worm their way into the
middle of the melee.



Gibson is clearing a
passageway for the

                        GIBSON:         Make way below there.

Deckhand, holding one
end of stretcher, just
going out of scene.



The head and shoulders
of the two deckhands
carrying stretcher are
visible above the canvas
sides of the gangplank.



The deckhands carrying
stretcher containing
blanketed figure into
the crowd, from foot of
gangplank.  Suddenly
four heads appear from
under blanket at op-
posite ends of the
stretcher.  They are
the Marxes, with faces
smiling in triumph.  All
four sing the Chevalier
song, with gestures of
derision towards the


                END OF SEQUENCE "H"

                SEQUENCE "J"


on LONG SHOT of Joe Far-
ina's house.



Showing Joe surrounded
by admiring townspeople,
bathing beauties and the
Marx brothers.  Joe
raises his hand for

                        JOE:            My friends --
                                        My friends --

                        AD LIB:         Atta boy, Joe.



Bathing beauties standing
massed on the steps above
and behind Farina. Harpo
and Chico cone into pic-
ture.  Miss Clean Living
a hefty and seedy wench,
ogles them.  With one ac-
cord, they dart for the
other five who rush into
the house.  Miss Clean
Living pursues Harpo and


Joe and Groucho:

                        JOE:            My friends.  I ain't
                                        much on speech making.
                                        In fact, this is the
                                        first speech I ever
                                        made in my life --

                        GROUCHO:        And by all odds the
                                        worst I ever heard.
                                        And with that thought,
                                        ladies and gentlemen,
                                        I leave you.

                        JOE:                    (interrupting)
                                        Listen  you --

                        GROUCHO:                (Turning to Joe)
                                        That's what a fearless
                                        speaker has to face --
                                        heckling, trying to
                                        heckle me.
                                                (Turning to audience)
                                        And you giving me the
                                        berries --
                                        But you forget that I
                                        was raised on heckle-


Doorway of house.  A
shriek echoes from with-
in as Harpo and Chico
reappear.  Chico is wear-
ing the bathing suit and
banner of Miss Clean Liv-
ing. Harpo wears bath-
ing suit and banner of
Miss Virtue, carrying
other banners in his

Chico approaches Joe.

                        CHICO:          Nice house, but you're
                                        burning too much coal.

                        GROUCHO:        Just what I was getting
                                        at, burning too much
                                                (Produces a piece of
                                                coal from inside of
                                                his jacket)
                                        Now here's the coal that
                                        don't burn at all.  No
                                        trouble with ashes, no
                                        lame backs from shovel-
                                        ing, lasts a life time,
                                        and best of all there's
                                        no heat.

                        JOE:            Save your time, kid.
                                        We don't burn coal,
                                        we use oil.

                        CHICO:                  (Drawing small can
                                                of oil from inside
                                        Well, here's just the
                                        oil you need.

Chico begins oiling Far-
ina's joints, placing a
few drops on his elbows
while he moves his arm
and then his knee, taking
up Farina's foot and
lowering it, as though
it were a piece of
machinery.  Farina
takes a swing at Chico.

                        GROUCHO:        I don't blame you....
                                        Now here's an oil that's
                                        right up your alley --
                                        and that's where I got
                                        it from.  It's a perfect
                                        snake oil.  A drop of
                                        this on your hair and
                                        you won't have a snake
                                        in the house -- except
                                        maybe you.

                        CHICO:          Say, maybe you got a job
                                        for my grandpa?

                        JOE:            What does your grandpa

                        CHICO:          He ain't doing anything
                                        now, but if you give him
                                        a job he won't do any-
                                        thing either. That's
                                        why he got fired from
                                        his last place.


A hotel room.  Alky Briggs
is seated on edge of bed
talking into telephone,

                        BRIGGS:         No, no, don't worry
                                        about that.  I tell you
                                        everything is set.  Never
                                        mind the inside of the
                                        house --


Telephone booth in drug
store.  A tough mug is
talking into 'phone.

                        MUG:            They're in da house --
                                        these four guys?  Say,
                                        they must be pretty
                                        tough babies, Alky.



                        BRIGGS:         The inside's covered,
                                        see?  They're giving a
                                        reception tomorrow night
                                        for Farina's kid. That's
                                        where we come in. You
                                        take Terry and Al and
                                        get into the grounds --
                                        get me?


Mug in booth.

                        MUG:                    (Shakes head knowing-
                                        Oke, boss. I got you.

Mug hangs up receiver and
exits from booth.  He
nods to two other mugs.

                        ONE OF
                        MUGS:           What'd he say, Butch?

                        BUTCH:          It's all set.


                        END OF SEQUENCE "J"

                        SEQUENCE "K"



Joe enters with Harpo,
Chico and Groucho follow-

                        JOE:            Right in here.

Joe sinks into his chair
behind desk.  The three
dispose themselves com-
fortably over front of
desk almost in his lap.

                        JOE:             Smoke?

Joe takes a box of cigars
from drawer which he
places on desk, left of
Harpo.  Everyone helps
himself liberally. Harpo
sharpens his cigars in
pencil sharpener, clamped
to desk, then taking
large, fancy pencil from
desk, puts it in mouth,
lights it and puffs fra-
grant cloud of smoke with
satisfied expression.


Joe whose brow is puckered
in meditation.

                        GROUCHO:        Well, lets get down to

                        CHICO:          Naw, it's too early.
                                        Case's place ain't open.
                                        We go to Tony's.

                        JOE:                    (Deliberately)
                                        You fellas know what to
                                        expect.  Briggs is down
                                        here with his gang.
                                        Trouble's gonna pop.

                        CHICO:          Say, what about my
                                        grandpop?  How about
                                        giving him a job trim-
                                        ming the hedges?

                        JOE:            What hedges?

                        CHICO:          The hedges of his beard.

                        JOE:            We'll talk about that

Groucho deposits ashes
in desk drawer.

                        GROUCHO:        Come, come, Farina.
                                        That's no way to treat
                                        a fine old half-wit
                                        like his granny.  I
                                        loved that man, I tell
                                        you.  He's fine all

                        CHICO:          He's all through?
                                        That's fine.  I hate
                                        the old buffalo. He's
                                        a dirty feeder.

                        JOE:            Briggs knows I'm giving
                                        a reception for my
                                        daughter tomorrow night,
                                        an' I think that's when
                                        the blow-off's comin'.
                                        But we're gonna be ready
                                        for 'em. Listen, you
                                        two guys --
                                                (Indicates Chico
                                                and Harpo)
                                        -- are gonna watch the
                                        house and grounds.

Harpo and Chico have
improvised a checker game
on the squared-off design
on Joe's cork-top desk.
For checkers they are using
inkwell, match box, paper
weight, etc.  Also Joe's
watch, which is lying on
one of the squares.

At the moment of play,
Harpo is jumping Joe's
watch with a bottle of
paste and pocketing watch.

                        CHICO:          We play some more, eh?

Harpo nods, smiling. Harpo
takes wrist-watch from
Joe's hand and replaces
the watch he has just lost.
Chico, nothing loath,
takes the stick-pin from
Joe's tie, jumps the wrist-
watch, pocketing both.

                        JOE:                    (With rising voice)
                                        Now blow, you guys.

Harpo distends his cheeks
and blows, and the two
boys exit.

                        GROUCHO:                (Coyly)
                                        You haven't forgotten
                                        me, have you?

                        JOE:            I got a real job for
                                        you.  I got a tip that
                                        Briggs and some of his
                                        mob are over at the
                                        Union Hotel.  Get down
                                        there, take a room and
                                        see what you can find
                                        out.  I'd like to know
                                        what they think they're
                                        gonna pull off tomorrow

                        GROUCHO:                (Patting Joe on
                                                the back)
                                        J. F., I ain't much on
                                        flowery sentiments, but
                                        there's somethin' I
                                        just gotta tell you.
                                        Shucks, man, I'd be
                                        nuthin' but a pizenous
                                        varmint and not fitten
                                        to touch the hem of
                                        your skirt, if I didn't
                                        tell you:  You've
                                        treated me square --
                                        mighty square, an' I
                                        ain't fergettin'.
                                                (Puts left hand
                                                vigorously on
                                                Joe's left shoul-
                                                der, seizes his
                                                right hand, firmly
                                                strides out of


                        END OF SEQUENCE "K"

                        SEQUENCE "L"



A taxicab draws up in
front.  Groucho stoops
out of cab, an inverness
cape and a crush top hat
on his head.  He turns
to cab driver.

                        GROUCHO:        How much is it?

                        DRIVER:         $1.10.

Groucho hands him a
dollar and waves with
a lordly gesture.

                        GROUCHO:        That's all right,
                                        keep the change.

                        DRIVER:         You only gave me a
                                        dollar.  I said a
                                        dollar ten.

                        GROUCHO:        That's all right.
                                        Then I'll keep the

Groucho exits into


Desk as Groucho ap-
proaches.  The general
air or lobby denotes a
second rate hotel.  The
clerk, flashy, flower in
buttonhole, general
dancehall gigolo type,
springs to attention,
proffering a pen to
Groucho.  Groucho writes
his name -- peers at his
own signature.

                        GROUCHO:        Is that spelled right?

                        CLERK:          How should I know?
                                        I never saw your name

                        GROUCHO:        And you call yourself
                                        a clerk?  I've got a
                                        kid ten years old can
                                        spell my name.

                        CLERK:          I can't rent you a
                                        room without baggage.

                        GROUCHO:        Never mind the room,
                                        just rent me some



Of corridor.  A bellboy,
followed by Groucho who
is carrying two heavy
suitcases, appears.

                        BELLBOY:        Do you want your
                                        windows opened?

                        GROUCHO:        No, I'll go down
                                        in the elevator.

                        BELLBOY:        Right in here, sir.

Bellboy enters room,
raising windows, etc.
Groucho steps into
adjoining room, clos-
ing door

There is a knock on
door.  Bellboy puts
his head in.

                        BELLBOY:        Pardon sir, the clerk
                                        said you were to be in
                                        this room.

                        GROUCHO:        Tell the clerk to
                                        keep his nose out
                                        of my room.

Groucho takes out a
dollar bill.

                        GROUCHO:        Where's Alky Briggs'

                        BELLBOY:                (Eyes widening)
                                        Right above yours.

                        GROUCHO:        See this?
                                                (Holds up bill)
                                        Come up tomorrow
                                        morning and you can
                                        have another look at

Bellboy disgustedly
withdraws, closing door.
Groucho crosses room
rapidly, raises window,
stepping out on fire
escape.  He ascends fire


Through window which
Groucho is approaching,
showing Alky Briggs'
back to window.  Groucho
enters the room.

                        BRIGGS:         I thought I sent you
                                        over to Farina to
                                        watch the house.

                        GROUCHO:        They wouldn't let me
                                        in.  I didn't have
                                        any baggage.

                        BRIGGS:         What's the idea comin'
                                        in thru the window?

                        GROUCHO:        Farina's house is
                                        being watched and I'm
                                        not taking any chances.

                        BRIGGS:         Well, I'm glad you're

                        GROUCHO:        You're easily amused.

                        BRIGGS:         Now, here's the lay-
                                        out --

                        GROUCHO:        Enough of this.
                                        Where's your wife?

                        BRIGGS:         Lucille?

                        GROUCHO:        Yes, Lucille!  I'm
                                        not good enough for
                                        her, am I?

                        BRIGGS:         Listen to me!  Farina
                                        is throwing a party
                                        tonight and I want --

The door opens and
Spike, Shorty and Butch
enter, sheepishly drag-
ging their feet.  Briggs
turns on them.

                        BRIGGS:         Well?

                        SPIKE:          We couldn't get in.

                        GROUCHO:        See?  No baggage.

Groucho turns toward
window.  Briggs motions
the three guys over to

                        BRIGGS:         Fine mugs you are!
                                        Couldn't crash into
                                        that fathead's house.

                                                (They start to

                        BRIGGS:                 (Stops them
                                        Aw, never mind the
                                        alibis -- but get this!
                                        We'll get in tonight
                                        because I'm goin' with
                                        you.  I'll show that
                                        big tub of fat who's
                                        the big shot around here.
                                        We're gonna get the girl
                                        and take her to the

                        GROUCHO:        Warehouse!  A fine
                                        bunch of cheap sports
                                        you are. With all
                                        the good shows in
                                        town, you take a girl
                                        to a warehouse.

Spike, Shorty and Butch
turn to leave. Briggs
stops them, turning

                        BRIGGS:         Wait a minute. You
                                        guys go down to Joe's
                                        hockshop and get some
                                        tuxedos and saxo-

                        BUTCH:          Saxophones?

                        BRIGGS:         Yeh.  You fellas are
                                        gonna crash in as
                                        musicians.  Get me?
                                        I took care of the
                                        fella who owns the

                        SHORTY:         Oke, boss.  We'll
                                        blow Farina to a good
                                        time tonight.

They exit as Groucho
crosses room, picks up
bags and puts one foot
out of window.

                        BRIGGS:         Where you going?

                        GROUCHO:        Sorry, but the chil-
                                        dren will be home from
                                        school at three, and I
                                        gotta warm up my hus-
                                        band for dinner.
                                                (He exits)


Window of Groucho's room
as he enters, dropping
his bags and jumping to

                        GROUCHO:                (Into phone)
                                        Give me Backfire 4732
                                        - Party J ...
                                                (Hums "The Skies
                                                Will All Be
                                                Blue," etc.)
                                        Is this Backfire 4732
                                        - Party J? ...
                                        Mamoulian on the wire
                                        ... Give me Joe
                                        Farina ... Yes, yes.
                                        A short fat fella
                                        without an overcoat.


A dignified old gentle-
man, at other end of

                        GENTLEMAN:      This is Backfire 4732
                                        - Party J, but
                                        there's no Farina
                                        living here.  You
                                        must have the wrong



                        GROUCHO:        No, it's the right
                                        number all right --
                                        you must be in the
                                        wrong house.... I
                                        don't care how long
                                        you've lived there,
                                        you're still in the
                                        wrong house.  You
                                        better get out of
                                        there before I send
                                        for the police ...
                                                (Jiggles hook)
                                        Operator, operator ...
                                        Backfire --

The door opens gently
and Alky Briggs stands
in doorway, listening

                        GROUCHO:        ...  Is this Farina?
                                        ... Mamoulian on the
                                        wire.  Yeh, yeh --
                                        'The Spanish castle
                                          I build in my mind,
                                        Will be a love nest,
                                          a practical kind.
                                        The skies will all
                                          be blue,
                                        When my dreams come

                                        Yeh, yeh ... O.K.
                                                (Hangs up.)

                        BRIGGS:         Hey, what're you
                                        calling Farina for?
                                        If I thought you
                                        were working for that
                                        big --

                        GROUCHO:        I'm not working for
                                        anybody. I'm in
                                        business for myself.

                        BRIGGS:         What did you say to

                        GROUCHO:        I tell you I can't tell
                                        you now.  You must
                                        trust me.  You must
                                        have faith in me.  I'll
                                        tell you sometime when
                                        you're not here.

                        BRIGGS:         O.K., but remember,
                                        I'll be watching you
                                                (He exits)

Groucho picks up suit-
cases, exits thru win-
dow and up fire escape.


Groucho entering window
of Briggs' room.  He
drops suitcases, jumping
to phone.


Briggs walking down
corridor toward his room.


Over Briggs' shoulders,
showing Groucho seated
at phone.

                        GROUCHO:        Listen, Joe --

                        BRIGGS:         Trickey, eh?  What're
                                        you doin' with that

                        GROUCHO:        I was trying to get
                                        hold of you, but now
                                        that you're here it
                                        can wait.

Groucho slips receiver
into pants' pocket.

Groucho tips his hat,
picks up bags and exits
thru door.  A bellboy is
just going down the hall.
Groucho falls in behind
him and walks after boy.



Groucho is exiting thru
main door of hotel, the
boy in front of him.  A
cab is waiting.  The
driver jumps out, opens
door, standing at atten-
tion.  The bellboy enters
cab and the driver starts
off, leaving Groucho on
the sidewalk with his bags.


Groucho walking off in
opposite direction,
carrying bags.

                        GROUCHO:        America's getting
                                        soft, anyhow. Too
                                        many people riding
                                        around in automobiles.

                        END OF SEQUENCE "L"

                        SEQUENCE "M"

In front of the gate to
the rear entrance of Joe
Farina's estate -- about
two yards outside of the
gate.  The gate is open.

                        FARINA:         I don't want none of
                                        Alky Briggs' crew
                                        comin' into this party
                                        and makin' trouble,
                                        see?  I want you guys
                                        to guard this gate and
                                        see that nobody comes
                                        in, savvy?  Nobody!
                                        The people that's in-
                                        vited has gotta come
                                        by the front door and
                                        show their invitations.

                        CHICO:          We take care, boss.
                                        Nobody is-a gonna get
                                        past us.

                        FARINA:         That's the spirit.
                                        I'll see youse later.

Farina starts to go in-
side of gate.  Harpo
blocks his way, refusing
to let him pass.

                        FARINA:                 (angrily)
                                        What's the matter with

                        CHICO:          Ha, ha.  You said no-
                                        body's gonna go in and
                                        he thinks you're no-
                                                (To Harpo - waving
                                                hand assuringly)
                                        Pst!  He's all right,
                                        partner, let him go in.

Harpo withdraws slowly,
his face still retaining
an expression of doubt.

                        FARINA:         I wish I can depend
                                        upon you guys continu-
                                        ing that kind of work.

Farina exits.

                        CHICO:          Well, partner, maybe
                                        we oughta go lookin'
                                        for people that are
                                        tryin' to come in, eh?
                                        I tink I go this way --
                                                (Points to left)
                                        -- and you go that way,
                                        all right?

                        HARPO:          (Nods)

Spike, a tough looking
yegg, comes up to gate
and attempts to walk in,
Chico and Harpo both jump
in his way.

                        CHICO:                  (Officiously)
                                        Stop!  Where you go?

                        SPIKE:                  (Somewhat smoothly)
                                        I just wanna -- go in
                                        and talk to Joe Farina.
                                        Me and him is pals.

                        CHICO:                  (Suspiciously)
                                        Well, whatever Farina
                                        says, that goes for us,
                                        too -- so you better
                                        talk to us.  Whata you

                        SPIKE:                  (attempting to
                                                force way)
                                        I gotta see Farina, I
                                        tell you.

                        CHICO:          Hey, wait a minnit.
                                        Nobody can go inside
                                        this gate, see?

Chico and Harpo start
pushing him back with
short jerky shoves.

                        SPIKE:          I tell you --

                        CHICO:                  (Continuing push-
                                                ing business)
                                        Whatever you tell us,
                                        that's too bad, but no-
                                        body gets in.

As the shoving continues
the Yegg is turning slowly
backward so that his back
is now toward the gate.

Chico and Harpo, with a
few more pushes, push him
inside the gate, where he
turns and runs toward
Farina's house.  Chico
and Harpo brush their
hands with self-satisfac-

                        CHICO:                  (Contemptuously)
                                        Hm -- a wise guy!

They sit against a tree
and start to drowse.




Harpo and Chico fast
asleep on a bench near
the gate.  Butch and three
others of Alky Briggs'
gang approach on tiptoe.

                        BUTCH:          Ssh.  Ssh.  This is a
                                        cinch.  You mugs better
                                        stay over there while
                                        I go in and take a look
                                        around first.

Butch enters and the
others remain outside a
short distance from the


Part of the lawn.

Butch notices Farina star-
ing at him suspiciously
from a short distance away.
Butch is frightened and
starts running toward gate.

Chico and Harpo are awak-
ened by the beating of
Butch's feet on the gravel
path.  They jump up.

                        CHICO:                  (Stopping Butch)
                                        Whoa!  Where do you go?

                        BUTCH:                  (Excitedly)
                                        I wanna get out.

                        CHICO:          Aw, no!  We're watchin'
                                        this gate and nobody
                                        can come in or go out.

Harpo and Chico start
pushing Butch back in

                        BUTCH:          But I ain't wanted here,
                                        I tell you.

                        CHICO:                  (Continuing push-
                                                ing business)
                                        At's nothing.  You
                                        gotta stay anyway.

Butch looks around, and
seeing that Farina is ap-
proaching, makes a dash
to his right.

                        CHICO:                  (Shaking hands
                                                with Harpo)
                                        Not bad, eh, partner?
                                        I tink we're gonna get
                                        a raise soon.

Butch is seen jumping over
a fence and escaping.

Shorty enters.

                        SHORTY:         I'd like to take a look
                                        around inside the gate,
                                                (Holds out $10.00
                                        There's an easy ten in
                                        it for you guys if
                                        you'll just look the
                                        other way for a minute.

Harpo nods eagerly
and attempts to grab

                        CHICO:                  (Slapping him on
                                        Whatsa matter with you
                                        partner?  Farina is our
                                        best pal.  We can't
                                        double-cross him for
                                        less than twenty bucks.

                        SHORTY:                 (Taking out
                                                another ten)
                                        Oh, that's all right
                                        with me.

Harpo grabs both bills.

                        CHICO:                  (Letting Shorty
                                        That's different.

As Shorty starts in he
signals the three other
goofs who are waiting
on the side.

                        SHORTY:         O.K. fellas. Come on.

The three try to enter
but Chico and Harpo stop

                        CHICO:          Wait a minnit.  Whatta
                                        you guys want?

                        SHORTY:         Oh, they're all right,
                                        buddy.  They're friends
                                        of mine.

                        CHICO:                  (Somewhat
                                        Well -- if they're
                                        friends of yours then
                                        it's all right, cause
                                        we don't let no
                                        strangers in.
All four go in.

Farina approaches and
arrives at the gate,

                        FARINA:         A couple of fine guards
                                        you mugs are.  You'd
                                        better come inside with
                                        me, before somebody
                                        steals you.



not yet completely


SHOT of the front steps.
The guests are arriving
for the reception, foot-
men opening doors of cars,
etc.  A small crowd of
guests is slowly filing
in thru door which is
guarded by two burly mugs.
The guests are a sprink-
ling of mugs and dignified
society folk.


Harpo and Chico coming
out of a patch of darkness
on the lawn, and starting
up steps, prepared to
enter.  They fall into
line immediately behind
two amazon women and try
to squeeze in thru the
door marching in step
with the women.

As the women disappear
into the house, Harpo and
Chico are dragged out and
rudely bustled outside

                        MUG:            Hey, what do you want?

                        CHICO:          I'm lookin' for a job
                                        for my grandpa.

                        MUG:            Beat it, you guys!

                        CHICO:          Say, I don't think you
                                        know who my partner is.

                        MUG:                    (Curtly)

Harpo puts his leg up
on one of the mugs, is
repulsed, leans up
against the other so that
the horn in his belt

                        CHICO:                  (Triumphantly)
                                        You see, I was right.
                                        Come on, partner.

The two of them start
in arrogantly, are
seized by the mugs and
thrown out.


Inside of the house and
crowd of dancing couples
showing varied nature of
guests.  PAN toward the
music coming from


Of orchestra revealing
Spike, Shorty and Butch,
Briggs' men, uncomfortably
blowing saxophones, their
eyes shiftily watching the


Zeppo and Mary dancing.
Mary is radiant -- Zeppo's
eyes sparkling.

                        MARY:           If you weren't here I
                                        don't know what I'd do.

                        ZEPPO:          As far as I'm concerned,
                                        there's nobody here but


Groucho threading his way
thru crowd and approaching
Joe Farina, who is busily
shaking hands and greeting
his guests.  Joe is beam-
ing and jovial.

Groucho accidentally brushes
against a rather handsome
dame and her escort.

                        WOMAN:          Pardon me.

                        GROUCHO:        Not at all.
                                                (Looks at her with
                                        Say, how about you and I
                                        passing out on the
                                        veranda -- or would you
                                        rather pass out here?
                                        On second thought, never
                                        mind; I don't like the
                                        way you put your arms
                                        around my neck when you

Her escort starts forward
menacingly.  Groucho slips
past him and up to Farina.

                        JOE:                    (To Groucho)
                                        Some party, eh?

                        GROUCHO:        You call this a party?
                                        A more poisonous little
                                        barbecue I never saw in
                                        all my life.  Wild horses
                                        couldn't bring me here if
                                        I didn't have something
                                        to tell you.

                        JOE:            What is it?

                        GROUCHO:        I wish I could remember it.
                                                (Scratches his head
                                        Mention a few things.

                        JOE:            What?

                        GROUCHO:        Anything. Mention base-
                                        ball -- No, that's not
                                        it.  Mention the book of
                                        the month, mention your
                                        iceman, mention my
                                        little sister, and you
                                        die like a dog.  No, I
                                        can't remember what it
                                        was -- remind me to
                                        think of it later.
                                        Joe stares at him
                                        puzzled as Groucho
                                        turns away.


Steps outside entrance
as four men carry up
two huge floral wreaths,
spelling out:



As they start to enter,
two mugs on guard pluck
Harpo and Chico from the
interior of the wreaths
where they are hiding,
and throw them out again.


French balcony opening
from the ballroom.
Groucho, his head resting
on one hand, is stretched
out on a bench, smoking
a cigar and looking
thoughtfully into the

The French doors open
and a plump, 40-year old
hoyden appears.

                        WOMAN:          Oh, there you are, Bad
                                        Boy -- gone and forgotten
                                        our dance.

                        GROUCHO:        Do you suppose I'd be
                                        hiding out here if I
                                        forgot? You've got a
                                        face that'll haunt me as
                                        long as I live -- longer
                                        even.  It'll haunt you,

She approaches him and
interrupts to take his
hand.  He removes it,
fishing in pocket to
produce a ring box and
extracts a ring from it.

                        WOMAN:                  (Ecstatically)
                                        Oh, Colonel --

                        GROUCHO:        Do you like this ring?

                        WOMAN:                  (She stares at it
                                        I love it, Colonel.

                        GROUCHO:        Would you give me a buck
                                        and a half for it?  It's
                                        brass, you know.  I got
                                        it from the nose of a
                                        savage, so it ought to
                                        fit you.

She bustles out

Groucho leans back
contentedly and takes
another puff at cigar.
The door opens again and
out step an attractive
matron end a distinguished-
looking gentleman.  She
looks about fearfully.

                        MATRON:         Careful, Henry.  Some-
                                        body may be watching.

                        GENTLEMAN:      Oh,  I've been careful
                                        too long.

He attempts to embrace

                        GROUCHO:                (Suddenly)
                                        Well, now that you
                                        brought that up, just
                                        how long have you been

They start, seeing
Groucho for the first

                        MATRON:         He -- saw.

                        GENTLEMAN:      Be calm, Emily, I'll
                                        talk to him.
                                                (To Groucho)
                                        Er -- my good man -- er
                                        -- you won't say any-
                                        thing about this, will
                                        you?  You see, her
                                        husband is insanely

                        GROUCHO:        And what about me? What
                                        about the sleepless
                                        nights I've spent dream-
                                        ing of her scarlet mouth?
                                                (Stands up and
                                                manfully grips
                                                gentleman by
                                        Yes, Jack, I've played
                                        the game and lost, but
                                        who am I to count the
                                        Say, would you give me
                                        a buck and a half for
                                        this ring?
                                                (Draws ring from
                                                pocket again)
                                        It's real brass.  Look!
                                                (Holds it up so
                                                light catches it
                                                and flings it in
                                        There, now, it's lost
                                        and you gotta pay for

                        GENTLEMAN:              (With dignity)
                                        Come, Emily.

They exit, as Groucho
returns to his first
pose, outstretched on
the bench, puffing at


Ballroom floor and
dancing couples. Bustle
business.  After bustle
dance and Harpo is out
of bustle, Harpo sees a
man cut in on a couple.
He approaches the man
who has been cut out,
taps him on shoulder and
extends his arms as if to
dance.  The man brushes
his arms aside.  Harpo
shrugs shoulders and
approaches another couple
who are dancing, and cuts
in. The man leaves and
Harpo begins wrestling
with the woman.


A group of potted palms --
Farina smoking a cigar,
talking to a couple of
men as Chico approaches
and tugs at his sleeve.
Joe turns.

                        JOE:            Oh, Hello. Having a
                                        good time, kid?

                        CHICO:          Yeh, but what about a
                                        job for my grandpa?

                        JOE:            Your grandpa?

                        CHICO:          Yeh, maybe you could
                                        hire him to come to
                                        this party.
                                        Naw, he wouldn't come.
                                        He's starving, but he's
                                        a proud fella.

Groucho appears suddenly
his finger pressed to
his temple, abstractedly
tugging at Joe.

                        GROUCHO:        I've got it.  It's
                                        something about a woman.

                        CHICO:                  (Brightly)
                                        A corset?

                        GROUCHO:        No, but you're getting

                        CHICO:          I wish I was.

                        GROUCHO:        And the closer you get,
                                        the stuffier it gets
                                        in here.
                                                (He walks up and
                                                down tapping his
                                        Oh, if I could only
                                        remember ... It was
                                        about a woman.

                        CHICO:          What was her name? If
                                        we can get that, the
                                        rest is easy.

                        GROUCHO:        Easy?  You don't know
                                        the woman.

                        JOE:                    (Impatiently)
                                        Aw, come on, fellas.
                                        This is a party and
                                        we're here for a good

Joe links his arm thru
Groucho's. Harpo
appears right behind
Joe and taps him on
shoulder.  As Joe turns,
Harpo again is holding
out his arms inviting
him to dance.  As Joe's
arm drops from Groucho's,
Harpo clasps him and
starts dancing with him.
Joe shakes him off.


Ballroom, with Joe
holding up his hand toward
orchestra for silence.
The music dies down and
the guests have stopped
dancing and are looking
inquiringly toward Joe.

                        JOE:            Folks, this is my
                                        daughter's party and
                                        the sky's the limit.
                                        It's cost me a hundred
                                        grand.  If you don't
                                        see what you want, ask
                                        for it.

                        CHICO:          Well, I'd like a base-
                                        ball suit and a job
                                        for my grandpa.


The plump, 40-year
old hoyden who turns
from talking to two
men and spies Groucho.
She rushes up to him.

                        WOMAN:                  (Ecstatically)
                                        I'll tell you what
                                        let's do.  Let's play
                                        some games.

                        GROUCHO:                (Indignantly)
                                        Fine language at a
                                        respectable party!  Do
                                        you want to get us
                                        thrown out?

                        CHICO:          Sure, that's a great
                                        idea.  Hey, let's play
                                        Spin the Bottle.

He takes a half filled
bottle from the tray,
places it on floor and
he and Harpo round up
the somewhat reluctant
guests in a large circle.
He places the bottle on
the side - Harpo spins
it.   It sprays the
circle of guests.


Groucho and Chico
looking around the
outside of ring,
their eyes fixed on the
bottle as it spins.
Harpo is circling the
inside of the ring,
eyes also fixed on the
bottle.  The bottle
slows up and points to
the plump dame.
The three of them stop
perplexed -- looking at
her.  Harpo, his eyes
watching Groucho and
Chico, slyly, slowly
begins moving around the
ring looking at them and
other women also.  He
darts quickly at a
pretty girl, throws
himself at her.

The other two do the same
from outside of the ring,
the three of them ganging up
on the pretty girl. She
squirms out of the ring,
shrieking across the floor
with Harpo after her.

                        CHICO:          Ha, ha. This is a great

He slips inside the ring
and begins circling it
with Groucho also circling
as in previous prank.
He slows down as he sees
a girl who attracts him.
She  turns slowly, and as
he dives at her, sidesteps,
he propels himself into
Groucho's arms.  Simul-
taneously the music starts
and they do a few adagio
steps and take a bow.
The guests have scattered.


Harpo appearing with four
chairs, placing them on

                        GROUCHO:        Ah, so that's your game,
                                        is it? You forget I once
                                        held the Chair of Bird
                                        Culture at Harvard. Why,
                                        just last year I turned
                                        down the chair at Sing

Chico has rounded up Joe
and a dignified dowager,
both of them somewhat be-
wildered and marches them
to chairs. The music
starts and the five begin
moving around the chairs.
Four bars of the music --
it stops suddenly and the
boys make a dive for the
chairs, Chico brushing
the dowager into the fourth
chair and leaving Farina
as odd man.  Farina
lumbers off as the music
starts again.


A gentleman in a group
who turns to get a
couple of chairs for
ladies who are standing.
He reaches over and takes
chairs, leaving two for
the game. The music
proceeds a couple of bars,
stops suddenly.  Groucho
and Chico hurl themselves
into chairs. Harpo
quickly pulls a camp
chair out of his coat,
seats himself on it and
pulls the dowager down on
his lap.  The chair gives
way and they both sink to
the floor.   Harpo begins
wrestling with the woman
on the floor, pins her
shoulders to floor, but
she still squirms.
Groucho circles around
like a hawk-eyed referee,
placing his hand under-
neath her hip to see
whether it is a fall yet.
The dame squirms but
Harpo gets a toehold on
her and as she shrieks,
Groucho holds up his hand
in signal that Harpo has

Harpo arises and struts
victoriously towards a
dame who is singing a
song.  By her side is a
harp and a vacant chair.
While she sings, accom-
panied by the orchestra,
Harpo is circling warily
around the harpist's chair
as if playing the game
with himself. The or-
chestra stops and Harpo
bangs himself into the
chair and goes into the
harp business and

At the conclusion of
the harp specialty


Groucho, directly behind
a dignified society
woman type, with rolled-
up sleeves.  He plucks
three or four eggs from
her back hair and taps
her on the shoulder.

                        GROUCHO:        Now you be here tomorrow
                                        at the same time and I'll
                                        take out the toast.

The plump, forty year
old hoyden appears and
rushes up to Groucho.

                        WOMAN:          Oh, there you are,
                                        Colonel.  Aren't we
                                        going to play some
                                        more games?

                        GROUCHO:        Yeh, since I've seen you
                                        I'd like to play Blind
                                        Man's Bluff.

Groucho bandages a hand-
kerchief over her eyes,
knots it in back, spins
her around a couple of
times and sends her reel-
ing out thru door.

Chico has joined Groucho
at the end of this.  He
turns to Harpo who is
right behind him.

                        CHICO:          Say, this is the best
                                        game of all.

Chico turns and whispers
into Harpo's ear.  They
pass among the guests
rounding them up.  They
blindfold several forci-
bly, spin them around.


Orchestra showing the
three Briggs men slip-
ping away.


Harpo, who sneaks up be-
hind Chico and blind-
folds him.  Chico goes
stumblingly over in gen-
eral direction of the
piano.  Harpo wafts the
two blindfolded wowsers


Chico as he feels around
the piano, his hands en-
countering keys.  He
plays several chords, rips
off the bandage, seats
himself and goes into his
piano specialty, doing
one number. At the end
of the number


Harpo on the outside
lawn with his two blind-
folded prisoners.  He
produces a cup and sev-
eral pencils from his
pocket, places them in
the hand or his prisoner
and with a shove starts
him off down the drive-

Then he leads his other
prisoner up into a
springboard and the man
walks off into the pool.
Harpo smiles, rubs his
hands and re-enters house.


Harpo as he approaches
piano where Chico is
playing.  Some flowers
and water have spilled
out of an overturned
vase on top of the piano.
Harpo produces a rag,
sops up the mater and
goes into his piano bit
with Chico. They are
almost finished when


Joe Farina standing on
the edge of crowd. A
timid gentleman approach-
es him and whispers some-
thing in his ear.  Joe
staggers, his eyes widen-

                        JOE:            Oh !  Oh !

The guests crowd around
him as he stands there

                        JOE:                    (with a gasp)
                                        Mary -- they --
                                        they've kidnapped

                        ZEPPO:          Kidnapped her!

                        JOE:                    (Choking with
                                        It's Mary -- my
                                        daughter -- do

                        ZEPPO:          But who --

                        JOE:            It's that Alky Briggs!
                                        Oh, if I could --

He turns on the timid
gentlemen who had
whispered into his ear.

                        JOE:            You saw 'em pull her
                                        into the car! Why
                                        didn't you do some-

                        GENTLEMAN:      They were pointing a
                                        gun at me.

                        ZEPPO:          Which way did the car

                        GENTLEMAN:              (Helplessly)
                                        They made me turn
                                        around -- I couldn't
                                        see --

                        JOE:                    (Desperately)
                                        Where could they go?
                                        The idea of taking a
                                        young girl --

                        GROUCHO:                (Suddenly -- from
                                                the crowd)
                                        That's it!  A young
                                        girl!  Just what I've
                                        been trying to think
                                        of all day!  The ware-
                                        house -- I heard Briggs
                                        say so yesterday.  That's
                                        where they are taking
                                        her ... Funniest thing,
                                        it's been on the tip
                                        of my tongue all day ...
                                        Do you know I didn't
                                        sleep a wink last night
                                        thinking about it? ...
                                        Sometimes you forget a
                                        name or a place ...
                                        Why, only last night ...
                                        no, it Thursday ...

There is a terrible
confusion and noise,
with Joe shouting to
some of his gorillas.

                        JOE:            Hey, get your car --

                                        Get your gats --


Guests are milling
around as we slowly


                        END OF SEQUENCE "M"

                        SEQUENCE "N"


Collection of ramshackle
buildings on the water-
front.  A rum sloop is
lashed to the dock.

Through a large opening
in the side of one of the
warehouses projects the
long arm of a steam hoist,
the lifting member of
which is of the pincher
type used in excavating.
This crane, with the
pinchers clutching bottles
of champagne, swings rap-
idly from the hatchway of
the sloop into the ware-
house, to the accompani-
ment of whirring machinery,
rattling of chains, jerky
explosions of steam, and
mingling of rough voices
of the hardboiled crew.


Inside of warehouse, show-
ing a little of bootleggers'
equipment; cases of liquor,
bottles, demijohns, barrels,
kegs of beer.

A large vat of beer, bub-
bling and frothy, fills
one corner.  On a plat-
form at the top of the
vat, men are siphoning
the beer into kegs, which
are placed on a mechanical
gadget, which carries them
down to the main floor of
the warehouse.  Empty kegs
ascend on a gadget.


Of Briggs and several
henchmen, standing on plat-
form of vat, near a door
labeled: "Office."  They
are armed with pistols and
sawed-off shotguns.

                        BRIGGS:                 (Opening office
                                                door, looking in,
                                                shutting it, lock-
                                                ing it.)
                                        Shorty, I've locked
                                        Joe's daughter in
                                        there.  Place a guard
                                        outside.  I'll stay
                                        here till the boat's
                                        unloaded, then we'll
                                        get the girl aboard
                                        and put to sea. I'll
                                        make Farina talk turkey
                                        now, or --

The pincher end of crane
swings into view over-
head, runs down on cable,
opens, and spills bottles
of champagne on floor.
Men scramble to remove

                        BRIGGS:         Step on it there, you!


Outside of office window
which is barred. Mary's
face, pale and frightened,
is peering out. The sil-
houette of an ugly yegg
appears against the win-
dow outside. Mary gasps.



Of Dock.

Three of Briggs' yeggs on
guard under an overhead

                        YEGG:                   (As three stand
                                                tensely alert)
                                        Who's there? Stick
                                        'em up!

Groucho and Zeppo come
into the scene with hands

                        GROUCHO:                (Very tough)
                                        Don't shoot, you mug,
                                        or I'll rub you out.
                                        Me and me pal belongs
                                        to the gang.

                        YEGG:           Keep 'em up!

                        ZEPPO:          We wanta see Briggs.

                        YEGG:           What's the counter-

                        GROUCHO:        Not responsible for
                                        overcoats that don't
                                        fit after leaving this

                        YEGG:           Come with me!


Inside of warehouse.

Briggs and yeggs at bottom
of narrow steps leading
to vat.

Groucho and Zeppo, hands
still up, enter scene
covered by yeggs.

                        BRIGGS:         (On the alert)
                                        Keep 'em up!

                        GROUCHO:        Hello, Alky.
                                                (Offers his hand)

                        BRIGGS:         Keep 'em up, I ain't
                                        so sure of you guys.

                        GROUCHO:        Why we're all pals.
                                        That was a neat job
                                        we pulled off, heh

                        BRIGGS:         What do you guys want?

Zeppo has been darting
looks here and there,
searching for Mary.

                        GROUCHO:        Oh! We just wanted
                                        to offer congratulations.
                                        Need any more help,

                        BRIGGS:         Beat it!  There ain't
                                        nothin' you can do for

                        GROUCHO:        Now think!  Couldn't
                                        I dust your office?
                                        Or tidy up your bank

                        BRIGGS:                 (Emphatically)
                                        I say there ain't
                                        nothin' you can do for

                        GROUCHO:                (Mimicking Briggs)
                                        Oh, there ain't nothin'.
                                        Well, I could give you
                                        some grammar lessons.

At signal from Briggs,
yegg sees Groucho and

                        BRIGGS:         Throw 'em in the river.

Groucho and Zeppo break
away from them.



Looking down from top to
the floor of the warehouse.

Groucho and Zeppo have
their backs to the wall.
The yeggs are lined up to
rush them. As the yeggs
move toward them, the
crane arm of the hoist
comes down between the
Marxes and yeggs. Crane
arm sweeps the line of
yeggs back across the
warehouse floor.  Yeggs
land in a pile.  They
scramble to their feet
and rush toward Groucho
and Zeppo, who stand
poised with their dukes
up. The crane arm swings
down into view again be-
tween the antagonists,
catches the line of yeggs
advancing, brushes them
aside into a pile as be-


The seat of the hoist.

Chico is sitting there
operating the levers of
the machine.

                        CHICO:          (Moves the levers
                                                rapidly amid his-
                                                sing steam of re-
                                                volving spools of
                                        Aw, this is a bum
                                        hoister. Maybe hoisters
                                        are out of season.  I
                                        tink I'll try those
                                        little shrimps over


The end of the crane's
pincher.  It comes down
on the pile of struggling
yeggs.  The prongs of the
pincher open and shut,
clawing out three squirm-
ing yeggs.  Then goes up.
As the pincher shakes up
and down in, its ascent,
guns drop out of the yeggs'
pockets and hands.


End of crane, swinging
out; over the water. The
pincher prongs open up
and drop yeggs into river.


Of warehouse floor, show-
ing guns that have dropped
from the yeggs' pockets.

Harpo comes into scene
with armful of pistols
and picks up other gats
that continue to drop to
the floor from overhead,
as steam hoist continues
its deadly work.


Joe Farina, Groucho and
Zeppo, crowding up the
narrow steps leading to
the platform on the vat.

Briggs, back to office
door, stands at bay.  Joe
closes in on Briggs.
Briggs pushes Joe off the
platform. As he dis-
appears out of scene,
Zeppo leaps at Briggs and
they grapple.  Groucho
circles around them as
they clinch.  Just as
Groucho aims a blow at
Briggs' chin, the grap-
plers swing around and
Zeppo receives the blow
from Groucho.  The sock
knocks him groggy.

                        GROUCHO:                (Looking at his
                                        I'm way off my game
                                                (Poises his fist
                                                again deliberately)
                                        Head down - back slow
                                        and low - arms straight -
                                        flex the wrist - pivot --
                                                (Lets another blow
                                                fly, again hitting
                                                Zeppo instead of


Harpo. He is throwing
the pistols through the
warehouse window, smash-
ing each pane in  succes-


Door of warehouse.

A mob of yeggs swarm in
through the doorway. The
shadow of the crane's
pinchers falls on them
and they flatten against
the wall of the warehouse
and creep toward the
stairs of the vat. They
are about to rush to
Briggs' assistance when
the pincher comes into
view, holding Harpo by
the coat-tail.  He
dangles over the yeggs'
heads, socking them at


Chico in seat of steam
hoist.  Chico sings:

                        CHICO:          Dad-da-da-da


Harpo swinging back and
forth over the heads of
the yeggs at the foot
of the stairs.  He
deliberately taps each
head within range with
his blackjack. He
bounces up and down over
the head of the hardest-
looking yegg who is
half out, against the
wall.  He swings back
in order to get him right,
parts the yegg's thick
hair to get a better
crack at him.  Lets the
yegg have it - SOCKO!
And the yegg falls out
of scene.


Top of stairs of beer
vat. Briggs and Zeppo
are still at it.  Their
clothes are now prac-
tically ripped from
their shoulders. Groucho
is caught in a clinch
between them, his head
sticking out as Briggs
and Zeppo wrestle.

                        GROUCHO:        Look out there, you'll
                                        break my glasses!

Briggs slams Groucho
into Zeppo, knocking
Zeppo's head against

                                                (To Zeppo)
                                        If you expect to win
                                        this fight, you better
                                        knock me out first.

Zeppo pushes Groucho
off the platform.


Groucho landing at bottom
of stairs, falling on
beer-carrying gadget,
which carries him right
back up to where Zeppo
and Briggs are in another
deadly clinch.

                        GROUCHO:                (Scrambling off
                                                of gadget)
                                        Well, hello, folks,
                                        here we are again at
                                        the ringside.
                                                (Takes a dipper of
                                                beer from the vat.
                                                Drinks it)
                                        Now the boys are
                                        clinched in the center
                                        of the ring.  Nothing

Zeppo and Briggs break
away and begin swinging
at each other.

                                        Now they're at it
                                        again!  Oooh!  That
                                        one hurt!

As Briggs and Zeppo go
into a clinch, Groucho
tries to part them like
a referee.

                                        Come on, you boys,


Chico, on the hoist, work-
ing the levers furiously.



Of Mary, shrinking in
terror as the sound of
battle salutes her ears.


Zeppo and Briggs, still battling.

The pincher pulls Groucho
away into the air by the
coat-tails, giving Zeppo
his first real chance at
Briggs.  Zeppo, plants a
right on Briggs' jaw,
knocking him over back-
wards into the vat of
beer.  Zeppo opens office
door and Mary falls into
his brawny arms.

Joe Farina comes into
scene, looking a little
the worse for wear.

                        JOE:            Mary!  You're safe now,
                                                (Takes Mary in his
                                                arms.  She kisses
                                                him, smiles and
                                                falls back into
                                                Zeppo's protecting

                                                (Dropping his arm
                                                about Zeppo's
                                        Good boy, remember old
                                        Joe Farina never for-
                                        got a friend.

                        GROUCHO:                (Comes into scene -
                                                shakes Joe's hand)
                                        Well, we certainly
                                        fixed Alky Briggs'
                                        wagon, didn't we?  And
                                        you won't forget me,
                                        Joe?  I never forgot
                                        a friend with money -
                                        not if I could help it.


Chico, at hoist, stand-
ing up bowing right and
left like an actress
stealing bows.

                        CHICO:                  (Over-modestly)
                                        I lift 'em, I lift 'em
                                        down. I pulla dis,
                                        I pulla dat.  It was
                                        notting. Well, I'll
                                        take five thousand


Another vat of beer.
Harpo's head comes up
with a smile.  He spurts
a little beer out of his
mouth - disappears out
of sight in the beer


Zeppo and Mary, in a
loving embrace.

DISSOLVE on this into

Zeppo and Mary, dressed
in natty going-away
clothes, yachting pre-
ferred.  They are lean-
ing over the stern rail
of Joe Farina's private
yacht, name visible,


                        ZEPPO:                  (Drawing Mary
                                                closer to him)
                                        At last we are alone.
                                                (They steal a

Out of three barrels
which stand on the
deck right behind
Zeppo and Mary emerge
the heads of Groucho,
Harpo and Chico.  They
are singing "If a
Nightingale, etc."


                        THE  END

Screenplay by S. J. Perelman and Will B. Johnstone
Additional Dialogue by Arthur Sheekman
First White Script - April 11, 1931