Monkey Business
SEQUENCE "A"
FADE IN:
TRANSATLANTIC LINER -
LONG SHOT
ANGLE SHOT looking up
side of liner with funnels
belching black smoke.
Steam blast of ship's
whistle.
SOUND: (Ship's whistle)
Then PAN DOWN to cap-
tain's bridge. Captain
Corcoran, head and shoul-
ders visible above rail,
is scanning the horizon.
First officer Mr. Gibson,
joins captain at rail,
saluting.
CAPTAIN: (Gruffly)
What is it?
GIBSON: Captain, I'm sorry to
report there are four
stowaways in the for-
ward hatch.
CAPTAIN: Stowaways? How do you
know there are four of
them?
GIBSON: They were singing
"Sweet Adeline."
CAPTAIN: Well, you get them out
of there, you hear?
GIBSON: (Desperately)
But we can't find them,
sir! And they've been
writing insulting notes,
too.
(Hands Captain
slip of paper)
CAPTAIN: (Reading it)
So I'm an old goat, am
I? You listen to me
-- find them if you
have to clear out that
whole hatch!
GIBSON: Yes, sir.
(Salutes and leaves
bridge)
CUT TO:
FORWARD HATCH
A welter of casks, barrels,
boxes and bales. A shaft
of light strikes down
diagonally on a barrel.
It is labeled KIPPERED
HERRING.
PAN TO the bunghole, from
which there comes an en-
tire cleaned herring bone
with head and tail still
on.
PAN TO the bottom of the
barrel, showing a pile of
similar herring bone.
Straw from bunghole en-
ters adjoining carboy of
water and sucks it dry.
The straw proceeds to
wander into a demijohn
labeled VINEGAR, and sucks
that dry. There comes an
exclamation from within
and a spurt of liquid
from within the barrel.
Pick up two more barrels,
showing bungholes facing
each other. One dirty
hand is being manicured
by another dirty hand with
buffer. Pick up fourth
barrel from whose bunghole
come successive rings of
cigar smoke.
GROUCHO: Yes, maybe it is
extravagant, but it's
the only way to travel.
CHICO: I was gonna bring along
the wife and kiddies
but the grocer couldn't
spare another barrel.
ZEPPO: Shhhhh! I think some-
one's coming.
GROUCHO: Oh, dear, and here I
am without a drop of
tea or piece of cake to
offer 'em.
ZEPPO: (Whispering)
Shhhhh - quiet!
Harpo honks his horn twice
and sticks his head out of
barrel.
GROUCHO: If it's the captain
I'm gonna have a few
words with him. My hot
water's been cold for
three days and I
haven't got room enough
to swing a cat. I
haven't even got a cat.
CHICO: You tell him I wanna
see him, too, I'm
lookin' for a job for
my grandpa.
ZEPPO: (Frantically)
Shhhhh! Pipe down!
Three distinct honks from
Harpo's horn.
CUT TO:
Hatch covering just re-
moved and officer Gibson
directing three hard-
boiled deckhands. Gibson
walks down the stairs,
leading the deckhands.
GIBSON: Now listen, we've got
to find these stow-
aways this time,
y'understand? Shake up
those boxes there ...
make it snappy!
DECKHAND: (Dopey)
Aye, aye, sir.
Gibson walks away from
them, turning his back.
GROUCHO: Never mind the barrels.
DECKHAND: (Dopey)
Aye, aye, sir.
Deckhands turn over boxes,
wrestle bales, etc. (Not
touching barrels.) Dopey
deckhand has been half-
heartedly turning over
thin cases, patently
oranges, and placing them
back to their former posi-
tions. Mate stalks back
from other end of hatch,
puffing on a cigar.
DECKHAND: They're not here, sir.
MATE: (Yelling)
Well, hoist all this
stuff up on deck --
every box and barrel.
Pull down that crate
up there, you!
A rope is placed around
the four barrels, and hoist-
ing of the barrels begins.
CLOSE SHOT
Of rope fraying. It parts
slowly and breaks.
CUT TO:
THE DECK
The barrels smash and the
four Marx Brothers emerge.
They put their arms around
each other, somewhat in
the fashion of a football
backfield in a huddle, and
start to sing in quartet
fashion, "Da da da da dum
dum," etc.
(Chico's piano tune from
"Animal Crackers")
Before they can get far
with this, they are inter-
rupted by Gibson and the
crew charging upon them.
They run madly down the
deck with the pursuers
after them.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER PART OF DECK
A few people are stroll-
ing up end down quietly.
There are a number of
people reclining in deck
chairs, covered with
blankets, particularly a
beautiful young woman and
an extremely fat woman.
Suddenly, around the cor-
ner of the cabin appear
Gibson and the crew look-
ing for the Marxes, who
have disappeared. After
the pursuers have passed
and are almost out of
sight, Chico, Groucho and
Zeppo stick their heads
out from under the blanket
that has covered the
pretty girl. They step
onto the deck from the
chair in triumph. Harpo
is not visible. Suddenly,
the fat woman gets up and
Harpo is revealed as hav-
ing been under her all the
time. He gets up, grim-
aces, and it is revealed
that a thin young man has
been buried under him.
The four brothers get to-
gether and are about to go
into "Sweet Adeline", but
just at that moment, one
of the crew happens to
look back and sees them.
He calls this to the at-
tention of the rest and
they reverse their steps
and come back toward the
Marxes.
The Marxes scramble to
their feet and set off
along the deck again, pur-
sued by the crew.
CUT TO:
The staircase leading
down into the "Y" entrance
of main salon. In the
background are people
reading, playing cards,
etc. The Marx Brothers
are racing madly down steps.
Directly in front of them
is an ornate fountain with
girl backed by seashell,
a la Venus rising from the
waves. In front of her is
a small pool of water.
The Marxes stop to regard
the statue.
CUT TO:
Gibson and his men appear-
ing at head of stairs.
GIBSON: (Points)
There they are!
CUT BACK TO:
Where the Marxes were.
Gibson and his men arrive
and look about then blank-
ly. The Marxes are not to
be seen.
FLASH of front view of
fountain. Reveal the Marx
Brothers for the first
time, grouped about the
statue in a silly burlesque
of a sculptured group, with
appropriate business for
each.
Satisfied that the Marxes
are not there, Gibson walks
away.
As soon as he is a few feet
away, the Marxes start to
follow him, carrying part
of the statue with them.
Gibson starts to turn
around and the Marxes imme-
diately set the statue down
and take their places on it.
Gibson looks suspiciously
at the statue and then
starts to walk on. Once again
the Marxes start to follow
him.
Again Gibson starts to turn
and the Marxes immediately
set the statue down and
take places on it, this
time with interchanged posi-
tions. Gibson is very per-
plexed, but decides he is
mistaken and walks off.
As he starts to go, water,
squirted by the Marxes;
strikes him on the head. He
turns around to catch them
out of position. They start
to run in back of the statue
and up the stairs with Gib-
son and his men hot after
them.
FADE OUT.
END OF SEQUENCE "A"
SEQUENCE "B"
LONG SHOT
Of a corridor, coming
down it a ship's tailor
carrying several suits,
dresses, etc. on coat
hangers. Down another
corridor at right angles
to it hurries Groucho,
throwing apprehensive
glances over his shoulder.
As they meet and pass,
Groucho grabs a dress,
pauses at a door and
knocks. From the direc-
tion he came charges
Gibson, who stares for
a split second suspicious-
ly at Groucho, mostly
obscured by the dress
he is carrying. Groucho
knocks again.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR OF ROOM
Where Alky Briggs is fix-
ing necktie, preparing to
go out. Lucille Briggs,
a dumb, sexy, tart type,
tearful, is at his heels,
as Alky starts for door.
She rushes between him
and door.
BRIGGS: You get this straight.
I'm going out when I
please, where I please
and with who I please.
And what's more, I don't
want to listen to any
more of your yapping.
Repeated knocks from
Groucho heard during
these sides.
LUCILLE: All right, all right.
But if you think I'm
gonna stay cooped up
here while you make a
play for every dame on
the boat, you're crazy,
Mr. Alky Briggs.
BRIGGS: Outa my way.
LUCILLE: All right. But let me
tell you something.
You're not the only one
who can play that game.
BRIGGS: (Softening a little)
Listen here, kid. I'm
keeping you down here
for a reason, Joe
Farina is on this boat.
I expect a lot of trouble
and he's pretty careless
with his gat. Now ---
Both flare up, bickering
rapidly, as Groucho walks
in - stepping between them.
GROUCHO: Pardon me while I step
into the closet. Thank
you.
Alky starts to go out.
LUCILLE: (With half a sob)
Alky!
Alky slams the door and
leaves. Lucille paces
the floor, restraining
tears. Then her eye
catches closet.
LUCILLE: What are you doing in
that closet?
GROUCHO: Nothing - but it's not
a bad idea.
(Pulls his head
back in)
LUCILLE: You can't stay in there.
GROUCHO: (Reappearing)
That's what they said to
Thomas Edison, mighty
inventor; Thomas Lind-
bergh, mighty flyer;
and Thomashefsky, mighty
lak a rose. Just re-
member, my fine bucko,
that if there weren't
any closets, there
wouldn't be any hooks,
and if there weren't any
hooks, there wouldn't be
any fish, and that would
suit me fine.
LUCILLE: Don't try to hide. I
know you're in that
closet.
GROUCHO: I am, am I? Did you see
me go in the closet?
LUCILLE: No.
GROUCHO: Am I in the closet now?
LUCILLE: No.
GROUCHO: Did you see me come out
of the closet?
LUCILLE: No.
GROUCHO: Then how do you know I'm
in the closet? Do you
know I'm in the closet?
LUCILLE: I --
GROUCHO: Well, why don't you answer
me? Three times I wrote
to you last week and not
a line did I get. Not
even a postal wishing you
were here. A fine sight
I was hanging around the
post office crying my
eyes out.
(Pauses dramatically)
Gentlemen, if you ever
had a mother you were
fond of, or a horse, or
a shiny little whistle,
you'd turn this little
beast free.
(Glowering like a
lawyer, with thumbs
in his suspenders,
in the manner of
Darrow facing a jury)
Your Honor, I rest.
(As he jumps into
berth)
But only for forty winks.
LUCILLE: Come here, banjo eyes.
I didn't know you were a
lawyer. You're awfully
shy for a lawyer.
GROUCHO: (Indignantly)
You bet I'm shy. I'm a
shyster lawyer. And who
are you, he countered
roguishly, his beautiful
white body aching to be
held.
LUCILLE: I --
GROUCHO: I know. You're a mis-
understood woman who's
been getting nothing but
dirty breaks. Well, we
can clean and tighten
your breaks, polish your
frame and oil your joints,
but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
LUCILLE: (Picks up liquor
bottle)
I'll ring for a set-up.
GROUCHO: Madam, you don't have to
ring for a set-up. I'm
a set-up for a gal like
you.
Lucille pours liquor into
Alky's huge tumbler.
LUCILLE: Say when.
She is filling Groucho's
glass slowly, but he says
nothing until the glass
is filled and the bottle
empty, then --
GROUCHO: "When" - And aren't
you drinking?
As Lucille turns, Groucho
starts toward closet and
opens it.
LUCILLE: Why, where are you
going?
GROUCHO: I just wanted to be sure
I'm not in that closet.
Lucille hands Groucho his
glass, after pouring a
little back in her own.
He settles back comfort-
ably in berth.
GROUCHO: Now madam, lie right down
here and tell me your
troubles. You needn't
be afraid to talk freely--
I used to be a floor-
walker in a ladies wash-
room. Now, what seems to
be the trouble between
your husband?
LUCILLE: How would you like to
have somebody sneak into
your room at three in
the morning?
GROUCHO: That would suit me fine.
Tonight I'll leave the
door open, at three. In
fact, I may take it off
completely.
LUCILLE: You don't understand -
it's companionship I
want. I'm young, full
of spirits - I'm bubbling
over.
GROUCHO: (In disgust)
Bubbling over? A big
girl like you? Why don't
you wear a bib?
LUCILLE: Think of it, I've been
married four years. Four
years of battling - four
years of neglect - four
years --
GROUCHO: That makes twelve years.
You must have been a baby
when you got married.
LUCILLE: Oh, I want to live, I
tell you, I want
excitement, hey, hey!
I want to ha-cha-cha-cha!
Lucille goes into a black
bottom stomp. Groucho
seizing his guitar and
accompanying. When he
stops to return for his
drink, Lucille stops
dancing.
GROUCHO: Madam, you're making his-
tory. You, the pioneer
woman, with little
Indians clinging to your
skirts, chopped down those
children and nursed those
trees. Why? To clear the
way for more children.
And as the blood-red sun
sinks over your bleaching
bones, I sink once more
into your downy couch.
[Two pages missing!]
SEQUENCE "C"
Harpo comes out of room,
his clothes dripping and
an elfish smile on his
face. He sees the mani-
curist and starts to
chase her.
CUT TO:
SHOT of corridor, past
barber shop, with Harpo
chasing manicurist, who
runs into manicure shop.
CUT TO:
INT. BARBER SHOP
Harpo appears in doorway
cautiously looks around
sees barber asleep in
chair, and manicurist and
Chico at manicurist's
table.
At sight of Harpo, mani-
curist jumps up and dashes
out other door, Harpo
after her. As he reaches
the door and looks out in-
to the hall, he stops
suddenly and turns back.
CUT TO:
SHOT of Hallway from
Barber Shop door, showing
Gibson and two of the
crew coming toward shop,
still in search of stow-
aways.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BARBER SHOP
Gibson and two sailors
enter.
PAN TO Harpo and Chico,
in white barber coats,
standing beside two
empty chairs.
CHICO: (Cheerily)
Good morning, Sergeant
- you the next.
GIBSON: (Eying Chico and
Harpo suspicious-
ly)
I'm looking for a
couple of mugs.
Harpo produces two shav-
ing mugs from shelf.
Gibson fails to notice
Harpo's action.
GIBSON: (To his men)
I think they're some-
where around this deck.
Continue the search
while I get shaved.
(Thoughtfully
feels his day's
growth)
I'll have a once over.
CHICO: Once over, partner!
Harpo then whistles and
takes the tumbler pose.
GIBSON: (Yawning)
I'll just take a little
snooze while you fix
me up.
CUT TO:
Harpo takes razor -
reaches for razor strop
hanging from side of chair,
but takes Gibson's hand
which is hanging in front
of it, and strops razor on
Gibson's sleeve.
CHICO: (Stopping Harpo)
Wait - we gotta give
the sergeant a trim-
ming - on the mustache
first!
Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they
both eye up Gibson's
mustache. Harpo takes a
little snip of it. Both
scrutinize it closely.
CHICO: I think you better
give the other side a
little snoop.
Harpo agrees - cuts
other side.
CHICO: (Smiling)
That's good - that's
fine!
(Smile disappears)
Only now I don't like
that side so much.
(Points to
first side)
Harpo pantomimes that he
will fix everything. He
cuts first side again.
Both look at the mustache
and then at each other,
inquiringly. They then
shake their heads with
dissatisfaction.
CHICO: (Shaking head)
Not yet, partner.
Harpo then cuts number
two again.
CHICO: (Uncertainly)
Well now, I tink it's
all right.
Harpo looks - and shakes
his head with dissatis-
faction. He takes the
last nip off side number
one.
CHICO: Now, let me see!
(He feels what's
left of the
mustache)
I think it's just a
little bit rough over
here.
Harpo feels it and agrees.
He takes razor and removes
the rest of the mustache.
CHICO: (Examining it)
'At's a perfect!
Partner, perfect!
(Looks around)
Now I think I shine
up the sergeant.
Chico removes Gibson's
shoes, takes them to
bootblack stand, places
them on trees and starts
to shine them.
CUT TO:
Harpo, as he returns razor
to shelf, spies the
clippers. He looks at
them a minute, is fasci-
nated, and leaps to the
back of Gibson's head with
them. He clips a track
up to the center and
across from ear to ear,
making an ugly cross;
finishing his job by
brushing the loose hairs
down Gibson's neck with
a large stiff whiskbroom.
Gibson raises his head,
with a questionable look
in his eyes, and reaches
for the back of his head.
GIBSON: (Feeling back
of his head)
Feels kind of rough
back there.
CHICO: (Looking over and
joining Harpo)
Ah, no, sergeant - it's
like a beautiful
pictch! Look!
Chico produces hand-
mirror and shows him the
back of Harpo's head.
Satisfied that he was
apparently mistaken, the
mate settles back and
asks for his shave.
Chico reseats himself at
the mate's feet to finish
the mate's shine -- on
his socks.
CUT TO:
Harpo with shaving brush
in his hand, lays chair
back. This shoots the
mate's feet up into
Chico's face. Chico
pushes them down. In do-
ing so, raises back of
the chair just as Harpo
is about to apply lather,
Harpo pulls it down --
feet go up again. Chico,
in a rage, pushes them
down. Harpo straddles
headrest - Chico the foot-
rest - and they seesaw.
As the seesawing continues,
they start the chair re-
volving around, up and
down, as though riding on
a merry-go-round. As
they each pass shelves,
they reach out with their
forefinger as if trying
to get the brass ring.
About the third time
around, Harpo swings
around with the shaving
mug dangling from his
finger.
INSERT:
Music suggestion.
(This could be
strengthened with
carousel music)
Merry-go-round stops.
CHICO: (Gleefully)
Atta boy, partner, we
get another ride. It's
a nice, eh sergeant?
PAN TO mate's face. His
head is floundering with
dizziness. His eyes are
glassy.
CHICO: Look, the sergeant hees
a seasick!
HARPO'S face takes on an
alarmed expression.
Reaction of the mate be-
ing half asleep and dizzy.
Chico goes to get scissors.
Harpo pushes the mate back
in the chair and starts to
work the foot pedal which
raises the barber chair in
the air. Harpo discovers
that he needs more lather
and reaches to get it,
still continuing to work
pedal. He turns back
from getting the lather,
and much to his surprise
discovers that the barber
chair has risen ten feet
in the air. Harpo tries
to regulate the pedal, but
it sticks. Chico enters
and sees what has happened.
They look about and see a
step ladder and put it up.
Harpo, with the shaving
mug, goes up one side.
Chico, with the scissors
and razor, goes up the
other side, and they start
to work on the mate.
CHICO: (Indicating mustache)
We gotta give the Sergeant
a trimming on the mustache.
Harpo nods his assent -
gets scissors and they
both eye up the mate's
mustache. Harpo takes a
little nip of it. Both
scrutinize it closely.
CHICO: I think you better give
this side a little snoop.
Harpo agrees - cuts other
side.
CHICO: (Smiling)
That's good - that's
fine! Now ---
The barber chair settles
a couple of feet, leaving
the boys high above it on
the ladder. They scramble
down and saw the legs of
the ladder so that the
top will be even with the
barber chair. As soon as
the ladder is shortened
the boys ascend to con-
tinue their barbering.
CHICO: (As he examines
mustache)
Now, I think this side
is a little too long.
Harpo pantomimes that he
will fix everything. He
cuts first side again.
Both look at mustache and
then at each other inquir-
ingly. Then they shake
their heads with dissatis-
faction.
CHICO: (Shaking head)
Not yet, partner.
Harpo then reaches over
to take another snip of
the mustache. As he does,
the barber chair again
settles about two feet.
The boys scramble down to
the floor and repeat their
action of shortening the
ladder. When this job is
completed they mount to
the top of the ladder to
continue their work on
the mustache.
CHICO: It's a little off
balance. Snip this
side.
Harpo follows instructions.
CHICO: Well now, I tink it's
all right.
Harpo looks and shakes
his head with dissatis-
faction. He takes the
last nip off side number
one.
CHICO: Now, let me see --
(He feels what's
left of the
mustache)
I think it's just a
little bit rough over
here.
Harpo feels it and agrees.
He takes razor and re-
moves the rest of the
mustache.
CHICO: 'At's a perfect!
Partner, perfect!
The boys feel satisfied
with their job. Chico
rubs his hands.
CHICO: Well, 'at's a that.
The boys press a lever
and the chair comes down
to the floor with a bang.
The startled mate is al-
most knocked unconscious.
CHICO: I fix him up.
Chico takes a tonic bottle
marked "Water" from the
shelf. He shakes water
into the mate's face.
Harpo's face lights up as
an idea strikes him. He
motions to Chico to wait
a moment, then goes to
the vibrator and turns it
on. He puts the vibrator
on Chico's arm, causing
it to shake the bottle
mechanically. Smiles of
satisfaction appear on
Chico's and Harpo's faces.
CHICO: The Sergeant he's a
looking better already.
PAN to mate's face. He
is still completely dazed.
Harpo puts the vibrator
near the mate's stomach
causing the mate to start
tossing in his chair.
CHICO: Ha ha, look - he likes
it. I will give him
more.
Chico goes to switch in
the wall and turns it to
full force.
Harpo continues massaging
the mate.
CHICO: When you want some more,
Serg', just ask, don't
be bashful.
MATE: (Angrily)
If-if -- you-you --
f-f-fellows -- d-d-don't
s-s-s-stop - th-
that -- I-I -- w - w -
w --
Harpo places vibrator
under the mate's chin.
(Mate's lips give
out a tremulous
monotone)
CHICO: He stutters!
Chico takes a comb with
a piece of tissue paper
and places them both in
front of the mate's lips.
Harpo's moving of the
comb causes various sing-
song tremulous notes to
issue forth. Harpo be-
gins to whistle and Chico
to sing an accompaniment.
CUT TO:
Manicurist standing in
doorway. Chico sees her,
goes to her and slides
vibrator along her back.
The vibration gives the
appearance of doing a
wild shimmy dance.
Harpo, on seeing her
drops everything and
dashes after her.
CHICO: (Turning off vibrator)
Ha ha, I tink my partner,
he went in business for
himself. I finish you up.
He goes to the mate,
strokes one side of the
mate's upper lip with
his finger, which is
black with shoe polish,
painting a half mustache
there.
CHICO: This side she looks all
right.
Repeat same business on
other side of lip.
CHICO: Everything is all right
over here too.
Chico feels the mate's
chin, making a black
goatee.
CHICO: Okay, Sergeant -
finish!
The mate stalks proudly
out of Barber Shop, in
his socks, unmindful of
the fact that he is
without his shoes.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "C"
SEQUENCE "D"
FADE IN:
EXT. SHOT OF THE BRIDGE
Captain Corcoran in midst
of group of pretty girls
and one or two men is
holding a spy-glass for
one of the girls to look
through, talking as Groucho
mounts the stair ladder
and joins the group, elbow-
ing his way to the Captain.
GROUCHO: Are you the head-waiter
here? I want to regis-
ter a complaint!
CAPTAIN: Why, what's the matter?
GROUCHO: Matter enough! How
would you like to have
somebody sneak into
your stateroom at three
o'clock in the morning?
CAPTAIN: That's impossible on
this ship!
GROUCHO: And that's my complaint.
I'm young and I want to
live. I want music,
gaiety, ha-cha-cha!
CAPTAIN: Don't you dare --
GROUCHO: Another thing, I don't
care for the way you're
running this boat. Why
don't you get in the
back seat for a while
and let your wife drive?
CAPTAIN: (Indignantly)
I'll have you know I've
been captain of this
ship for twenty-two years.
GROUCHO: Twenty-two years, eh?
It's about time you
were promoted. If you
were a man, you'd go in
business for yourself.
I know a fella started
only last year with
just a canoe. Now he's
got more women than you
could shake a stick at,
if that's your idea of
a good time.
CAPTAIN: Look here! One more
word out of you and
I'll throw you in irons.
GROUCHO: It's really a mashie
shot, if the wind is
against you, and if the
wind isn't, I am. And
another thing. Those
barrels down there.
I wouldn't put a pig in
one of those barrels -
no, not even if you got
down on your knees;
CAPTAIN: Now see here --
Groucho turns and exits
into chart room. Captain
follows right behind him,
Chico enters behind the
Captain. Groucho wheels.
CHICO: Everybody chasing me
all over this boat. I
haven't eaten in three
days.
GROUCHO: Three days? We've only
been on the boat two
days.
CHICO: Well, I didn't eat
yesterday, I didn't eat
today, and I'm not going
to eat tomorrow. Say,
this is a swell barrel
you got here. Look at
that herring!
GROUCHO: That's no herring -
that's the skipper.
CHICO: Sure, skipper herring.
GROUCHO: No, he looks pickled
to the eyes if they
don't deceive me. And
what can we do for you?
CHICO: I came up here to see
the captain's bridge.
GROUCHO: Sorry, but he always
keeps it in a glass of
water while he's eating.
Would you like to see
where he sleeps?
CHICO: That's a lot of bunk.
GROUCHO: Maybe it would've been
better if they had
dropped you instead of
the anchor. Or would
you rather be marooned
on a nice desert island?
CHICO: Ha! For dessert I like
a lemon maroon.
GROUCHO: You're just wasting your
breath -- and that's no
great loss, either.
A fine sailor you are.
You should have sailed
with Columbus.
(He turns to map)
CHICO: My father and Columbus
were great friends.
They used to be partners.
GROUCHO: Columbus and your
father? Columbus has
been dead four hundred
years.
CHICO: That's why they split
up.
GROUCHO: Watch closely, folks.
The more you look at
him, the less you see.
There's even less there
than meets the eye.
CHICO: Columbus was a great
man. One day he take
an egg - crack it on
one side, next day he
buy a ticket for New
York.
GROUCHO: They didn't have eggs
in those days. They
ate nothing but omelet.
(With pencil he
marks circle on
map )
Now, that's Columbus!
CHICO: No, no, that's Columbus
Circle.
GROUCHO: Would you mind getting
up off that flypaper
and giving the flies a
chance?
CHICO: You're crazy. Flies
can't read papers.
GROUCHO: (Pointing to chart)
Now Columbus sailed
from Spain to India
looking for a short
cut --
CHICO: Short cut? Strawberry
short cut?
GROUCHO: I don't know. It was
the children's day off
and I had to stay home
and take care of the nurse.
CHICO: What was the matter?
Couldn't the nurse take
care of herself?
GROUCHO: You bet she could, but
I found it out too late.
But enough of this --
let's get back to
Columbus.
CHICO: No, I'd rather get back
to the nurse.
GROUCHO: Now, about Columbus --
he was sailing along
on his vessel --
CHICO: What?
GROUCHO: Vessel, don't you know
what that is?
CHICO: Sure, I can vessel.
(He whistles)
GROUCHO: Do you suppose I could
buy back my introduction
to you? Now, Columbus
had to send out an S.O.S
one night because of a
mutiny.
CHICO: No, no. They don't
have mutinees at night.
Mutinees Wednesday and
Saturday.
GROUCHO: Do you know what an
S.O.S. is?
CHICO: No.
GROUCHO: Well, if you're on a
sinking ship, you send
out an S.O.S.
CHICO: Why do you go on a ship
that's sinking?
GROUCHO: To get on the other
side. Listen, what
would you do if you were
on a sinking ship?
CHICO: I don't go on a ship.
I take a train.
A boy passes through the chart-
room with tray. Groucho
and Chico follow him into
Captain's quarters.
CUT TO:
Captain's room. The
Captain is seating himself
at the table and tucking
napkin into his vest.
The boy enters with the
tray of food which he
places on table. Groucho
darts to vacant chair
and seats himself arrang-
ing napkin in his collar;
a split second later
Chico arrives, too late
for chair.
Groucho smiles across at
the Captain.
GROUCHO: Too bad there isn't one
less chair so you could
both stand up.
CAPTAIN: Do you know you fellows
look just like a couple
of stowaways who are
loose on this boat. In
fact, you look exactly
like them.
CHICO: What do they look like?
CAPTAIN: One of them looked like
you - and one looked
like you.
GROUCHO: Can't be us. Everybody
says there are no two
people look less alike
us than we do.
CHICO: I know I don't look
like us.
GROUCHO: Did you ever consider
that the other two
stowaways might look
exactly like us?
CHICO: Sure, just the same
size - only much bigger!
CAPTAIN: One goes around with a
big black moustache.
GROUCHO: So do I. But I'd
rather go around
with a little blonde.
CAPTAIN: I say one goes around
with a big black
moustache.
GROUCHO: Well, you couldn't
expect a moustache to
go around by itself.
If you were a moustache
would you go around by
yourself?
CAPTAIN: I know there are four
stowaways on this boat.
GROUCHO: You're wrong. There
are five. We carry an
extra one in case the
boat sinks.
CAPTAIN: One of these fellows
had a black moustache.
CHICO: Well, I haven't got a
black moustache.
CAPTAIN: The other was a short
Italian.
GROUCHO: I'm not a short Italian.
CHICO: You know you could get
in trouble calling me a
short moustache and him
a black Italian.
CAPTAIN: What do the other fellows
look like, do you know?
GROUCHO: I don't know what they
look like. One of them
has got red hair and the
other one's got spats.
CAPTAIN: You mean he's got spats
on his feet?
CHICO: Sometimes he's got spats
on his feet, but when he
eats he's got spats on
his vest.
GROUCHO: How do we know you're
not the stowaways?
You've got a black moust-
ache and spats on your
vest.
CAPTAIN: I won't have you talk
like that to me.
GROUCHO: You better keep quiet or
I'll report you to the
four stowaways.
Chico picks up a piece
of food.
CAPTAIN: I don't want --
GROUCHO: Now run along and go
back to your barrel.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, a big boy
like you running around
in a sailor suit, and
here's a nickel for to-
morrow.
CAPTAIN: I'd give five hundred
dollars of my own money
for the capture of these
stowaways.
GROUCHO: All right. Then you
don't get the nickel.
The Captain exits.
CHICO: I wish I had five hundred
dollars. I don't like
being chased around.
I'd buy a ticket on the
boat if I had five hun-
dred dollars.
[Three pages missing!]
SEQUENCE "C"
FARINA'S STATEROOM
Showing Farina and Mary.
There is a CLOSE UP of
a newspaper, showing
large headlines over
photo of Joe Farina, which
reads as follows:
"Millionaire racketeer,
former gangland over-
lord, crashes society --
Joe Farina returns to
America with daughter,
recent graduate of
Continental finishing
school, to open new
mansion in smart-set
colony."
PAN DOWN to show Joe
Farina reading paper.
Joe cautiously starts
to tear the news item
out of the paper. Enter
Mary, pretty, young,
finishing-school type,
smartly dressed, lady.
MARY: Good morning, dad.
(Kisses him. Joe
holds the paper
he is tearing so
she can't see.)
Not even dressed yet!
(Kisses him play-
fully)
As she caresses Joe, he
slyly tears item from
paper and crushes it
into pocket of his robe.
JOE: (Relieved)
You can do all the
dressing for the
family, Mary.
(Stretching
grandly)
Old Joe Farina's taking
things easy for the
rest of his life. We're
big shots now, babe.
MEDIUM SHOT
Shooting over heads of
Mary and Joe, whose backs
are turned to the door.
The door opens noiselessly.
Chico and Harpo appear.
Harpo is carrying a checker
board on which is set up a
complete set of chessmen
already in play, Without
looking around they step
into the lower bunk of a
two-tiered bunk in the
corner, squatting, and
absorbedly continuing
the game.
(During Harpo's and Chico's
entrance, Mary's and Joe's
voices are heard continu-
ing conversation.)
JOE'S
VOICE: Wait till you see the
swell house I built for
you. 37 rooms and 14
baths. Cost me three
million bucks.
MARY'S
VOICE: Three million! Dad,
how did you ever make
so much money?
PAN to Joe and Mary.
JOE: How did I make all my dough?
(Flustered)
Why -- er -- er - you
wouldn't understand if
I told you, honey, but -
but --
(Sincerely)
but I got it honestly.
(Emphatically)
Just as honest as all
those big-business
rackets. Anyway, babe,
I'm retired now all
washed up. That's all
behind us, hey?
(Pinches her cheek)
Mary and Joe at table.
There is a peremptory
knocking at door. Joe
looks up surprised and
utters a startled "Come
in". The door swings
open in a wide semi-circle
and Alky Briggs enters,
his mouth twisted, Alky's
eyes shift from Joe to
Mary, a hard, insolent
glance.
BRIGGS: Hello, Joe.
JOE: What do you want?
BRIGGS: (with glance at
Mary, who shrinks
instinctively)
This is your kid, eh.
Ain't ya gonna intro-
duce me?
JOE: (Eyes blazing -
then to Mary)
Wait in there, Mary.
This is business.
(Opens door for
Mary)
MARY: (Alarmed)
Dad!
JOE: Don't worry.
Mary goes - Joe shuts
the door. He advances
to Briggs, shoulders
squared, arms on hips,
jaw set.
BRIGGS: Gone high-hat, eh? Too
big-time to know your
old business partners?
JOE: I wouldn't see you be-
fore and I won't see you
now. I don't know you.
Get out!
BRIGGS: You can't Ritz me.
What's more, you're
gonna do me a big favor.
JOE: I am, am I?
BRIGGS: Sit down here.
(pushes Joe down
violently on berth
where Harpo and
Chico are lost in
game.)
I'm taking up your old
territory where you left
off. GET ME?
(Bangs hand down
on chess board.
Pieces fly.)
JOE: Take it if you think
you can get it. I'M
THROUGH!
(Bangs his hand
down on chess
board. More
pieces fly --
Boys still en-
grossed in game,
thinking hard.)
Joe goes to door,
Briggs grabs him.
BRIGGS: I can get it all right.
All you've got to do
is say the word.
Joe pushes Briggs off.
They glare across the
end of a table. The boys
have moved chess board
all set up again to table
top, still lost in game.
BRIGGS: YA GOTTA HELP ME!
(Hits table top.
Pieces dance about)
JOE: I'm helping NOBODY!
(Lays down cigar
butt on chess
board.)
GET ME?
(Picks up Harpo's
cigarette by
mistake)
Harpo jumps cigar butt
on board, takes it, puts
it in his mouth uncon-
sciously, goes on playing.
BRIGGS: (Shaking finger
in Joe's face)
You're gonna give notice
that I'm stepping into
your shoes as boss.
(Sticks hand into
Harpo's pocket by
mistake and pulls
out a fish.
Points it at Joe.)
You're gonna give me
the Joe Farina label.
JOE: (Puts hands up,
then slaps fish
out of Briggs'
hand right into
chess game)
NEVER!
GET OUT!
BRIGGS: (Following Joe,
pulls gun)
You're gonna pass your
drag along to ME. GET
THAT? Keep 'em up.
You're gonna put me
solid!
JOE: Not a chance, you rat!
(Knocks gun out
of Briggs' hand)
Shot of gun flying
under bed, where boys
are now playing chess,
up-setting pieces.
JOE: (Gripping Briggs
by coat)
Get out of here!
BRIGGS: (Gasping)
I'll get you for this --
(Struggle)
You can't make all the
dough and then run out
on your pals.
(Struggle)
Making a monkey outta
yourself trying to be
a swell --
Joe rams Briggs against
the closed closet door
in the scuffle. Door
comes open, revealing
Harpo and Chico still
lost in chess game.
Joe slams Briggs into
breakfast tray and stand
under which the boys are
now playing the chess
game. Dishes pour down
on game.
JOE: (As Briggs breaks
his hold)
Get out of here before
I strangle you!
BRIGGS: I'll get you!
(Chokes in rage
and grabs silver
from tray and
begins to hurl
it at Joe)
CUT TO:
Harpo and Chico, now
playing game seated in
the bath tub. Knives
and forks fly by their
heads and stick into
wall. They pay no atten-
tion as sounds of fight
inside room continue.
Door to bath opens and
Mary appears.
MARY: Help - help - my
father --
(She slaps
chess board)
Help - help my father.
(Harpo and Chico
pay no attention)
Help my father.
(She spills the
chess board
with a stroke
of her hand)
CUT TO:
The other room.
Farina and Briggs are
locked in another
struggle.
Harpo and Chico enter
and, while pretending to
help, merely circle around
and keep out of danger.
Harpo swings stick with
horn like golf club and
hits Farina on the head,
knocking him out, as he
drops to a couch, un-
conscious. Briggs,
thinking he's out-numbered,
makes a quick getaway.
CUT TO:
Mary, who has been watch-
ing the fight, just going
into a swoon. Harpo
catches her in his arms
and taking advantage of
her faint, puts her limp
arm about his neck, etc.
Chico comes in.
CHICO: (To Mary)
Which one is your father?
(Mary, coming out
of faint, makes
a movement with
her head)
She doesn't know. That's
what they were fighting
about.
Farina comes to and grabs
Harpo by the coat collar.
Harpo slides out of the
coat, then hands Farina
his silk hat.
JOE: Who are you guys?
MARY: (Coming out of
faint, inter-
cedes for the
boys)
Dad, they saved your
life.
JOE: (Rubbing his
sore head)
Oh. What do you do?
Harpo does hand business
to Joe, who pushes him
off, then does same hand
business to Mary.
CHICO: (Steps between
Joe and Harpo)
My partner he no speak.
JOE: Good. Can you keep
your mouth shut?
CHICO: I keep my mouth shut
even better than he
does.
(Points to Harpo)
JOE: (To Chico)
I need help. This guy
Briggs. I wish I could
get some tough birds to
protect my gal in there
till I get home.
CHICO: You wanta TOUGH GUYS?
Me and my partner, we's
a TOUGH.
(Harpo nods)
JOE: YOU TOUGH?
CHICO: Sure a we TOUGH. I'M
so TOUGH, I don't know
when somebody hit me.
They hafta tella me.
JOE: (To Harpo)
How about this guy?
CHICO: He's a tougher than
me. He's a what you call a
TOUGH guy. Strong a
fella. He fight,--gun--
knife--no diff- He's a
TOUGH guy.
JOE: IF I thought that you
guys were TOUGH, I'd
give you plenty dough
to cover me.
CHICO: You pay money? We show
you how tough he (Harpo)
is. Once he punch a
man in the nose--he no
come to for six a days.
(To Harpo)
Show him how you can
punch.
(Harpo socks
Chico on nose)
CHICO: (Knocked almost
doll-eyed)
That's a nothing. Just
a the right a hand.
He's a left hand - once
he hit a me so hard it
knocked out two other
fellas. Show him.
(Harpo socks Chico
with his left)
CHICO: (Reeling)
He puncha so hard you
feel it too, hey?
(To Harpo)
Kick a me and show him.
(To Joe)
He's a quiet fella.
(Harpo kicks Chico)
Ha, that's nothing.
He's a got bigger shoes.
Big a boots.
(Harpo kicks
Chico, who is
nearly out)
Ha, ha, that's a NOTHING.
I'm his FRIEND. He do
that for NOTHING.
Groucho's face appears
snooping at one window.
Zeppo is with him.
GROUCHO: I'm spyin' on you.
MARY: (Pointing to
window)
Look, Dad. Who's there?
As Joe turns, the faces
of Groucho and Zeppo dis-
appear.
JOE: (Drawing Harpo and
Chico to the win-
dow points out)
Come here. Look, see
those guys?
CUT TO:
Deck or shot through
the window.
Alky Briggs is seen for
a flash in earnest con-
versation with Groucho
and Zeppo. Briggs is
handing Groucho a gun
and pointing to Farina's
window.
CUT TO:
Joe, Harpo and Chico.
JOE: Listen. I need pro-
tection from those guys.
GROUCHO: Either talk a little
louder or make your
conversation more
interesting.
(Window sash comes
down on his neck)
JOE: Stick, with me till I
get home and I'll give
you plenty of dough.
Take this gun.
(Slips automatic
into Harpo's hand)
GROUCHO: Will you close this
window? It's awful
drafty out here.
CHICO: Sure we stick with you.
JOE: Don't leave me one min-
ute. Briggs is trying
to get me.
CHICO: (To Harpo)
Understand? Anybody
comes near Farina,
knock him cold.
Harpo hits Chico on head
with butt of gun.
JOE: (Grabs Harpo)
Lay off!
CHICO: He's just practicing.
CUT TO:
Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo
on Deck.
BRIGGS: When Farina comes outta
that door, I'll get him.
Stick behind me, don't
leave me one minute.
Farina's stateroom door
opens and Harpo and Chico
come out - stand like
bank guards protecting
armored truck. They post
themselves on opposite
sides of the door, with
hands in pockets, nursing
guns.
Farina and Mary come out.
Harpo and Chico fall in
behind them and march,
convoying them down the
deck. They pass Briggs,
Groucho and Zeppo who
are lurking in passage-
way.
Gibson approaches and
Harpo and Chico desert
Joe and Mary, jumping
behind life boat. Joe
and Mary move on, unaware
that Harpo and Chico have
deserted.
CUT TO:
Briggs, Groucho and Zeppo.
BRIGGS: (To Groucho
and Zeppo)
Now's my chance. You
boys talk to Joe and
I'll get him from be-
hind.
CUT TO:
Joe and Mary standing
backs to life boat,
searching for Harpo and
Chico.
ZEPPO: (To Mary)
Your life is in danger.
Don't stand here.
GROUCHO: (Coming into scene)
How would you like to
be shot, sideways or in
a group?
JOE: (Looking around)
Where's my bodyguard?
MARY: (To Zeppo)
Don't let them hurt my
father.
Zeppo shelters her.
Groucho slips arms about
Mary.
GROUCHO: (Slips arm
about Mary)
With your brawny arms
around me, I'm not
afraid of the whole
wide world.
MARY: (To Zeppo)
I am afraid.
ZEPPO: (Reassuringly)
Don't be afraid. We're
looking after you.
JOE: (Affectionately)
Now you stop frettin',
hear me? I want you to
have a good time, walk
around, play those deck
games.
(To Zeppo)
Take her in and get her
a soda.
ZEPPO: (To Mary)
Do you want to?
She smiles and they walk
off.
JOE: No one's scaring Big
Joe Farina.
GROUCHO: No? Listen, Big Mans,
there's a certain some-
body out to shoot you
in your fat little
tummy and that certain
someone is me. Now,
if I were you, I'd
apply for a license to
carry a pistol.
JOE: (Thinking aloud)
Out to get me, eh?
(Turns to Groucho)
Say, thanks for the tip.
I'm your friend for
life. Anything I can
do for you, you let me
know.
GROUCHO: Well, you might stand
over there against
that rail and let me
take a shot at you.
JOE: I'm much obliged to
you. Anything you
want, just say the
word.
GROUCHO: I'm not particular.
All I want is a cozy
nursery, my building
bwocks and you to tuck
me in at night, with
Muvver sitting on my
knee. Then I won't be
afraid of the bogey
mans.
LONG SHOT -
of deck with Gibson seen
approaching. Groucho
spots him and beats it.
FADE OUT.
END OF SEQUENCE "E"
SEQUENCE "F"
MEDIUM SHOT OF DECK
Harpo pursued by Gibson
hides behind a life boat,
as Gibson stops scratch-
ing his head, looking
over the passengers walk-
ing the deck. Harpo ducks
into a door marked:
"NURSERY"
CUT TO:
INSIDE NURSERY
A Punch and Judy show is
in progress. A group of
children of various ages
are watching the show,
laughing and clapping
their hands in glee.
Harpo joins the crowd an
instant.
CUT TO:
Gibson as he opens
Nursery door.
CUT TO:
PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW
Gibson inspects the crowd
of children in search of
Harpo. PAN to stage of
Punch and Judy.
Harpo's face appears as
one of the characters.
On one side of him is
Mrs. Punch, on the other
is Mr. Punch. Gibson
becoming interested in the
show moves up for a better
view, standing with his
face close to the stage
left, following the play
with an expression of
child-like wonderment.
Punch smacks Harpo on
the head with slapstick.
Harpo turns with fierce
expression to Punch.
Gibson and kids howl with
glee.
Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo
with slapstick on the
opposite side of his head.
Harpo turns and shows his
teeth in rage. Gibson
and kids laugh louder.
Punch smacks Harpo
again and turns and assumes a
fake smile to keep from
giving himself away to
Gibson who roars at the
horseplay.
Mrs. Punch smacks Harpo
again and she drops down
out of sight.
Harpo turns, infuriated.
Mrs. Punch having dis-
appeared, he notes Gibson's
proximity, thinks that he
hit the last smack.
Harpo leans over the edge
of the stage and socks
Gibson on the jaw, knock-
ing him out.
Harpo ducks and runs into
an adjoining room of the
Nursery. This room con-
tains baby cribs, sand
piles and a chute for
kids to slide down. One
larger kid is bouncing up
and down on spring device,
fastened to his shoes.
The chute has a ladder on
the back. Another ladder,
similar in design stands
against the wall.
Harpo comes in and picking
up a tin shovel from sand
pile, runs up the ladder
set against the wall, pre-
tends to be tacking up a
duck painted on the wall
as part of decoration.
Gibson rushes in and looks
around. As Gibson looks
behind baby crib, Harpo
slides down ladder to make
getaway, but Gibson turns
and starts for closet at
foot of chute. Harpo
scrambles up ladder but
in his hurried confusion
goes up the ladder of the
chute. Unaware he stands
atop the chute, tacking
a similar duck painted on
wall as Gibson opens door
of closet. The door
swings back against the
bottom of the chute with
such force that Harpo
loses his footing and
slides down chute hitting
closet door and it slams
shut, knocking Gibson
into closet.
Harpo jumps up and
crawls behind crib. Gibson
emerges from the closet
and continues searching in
next room for Harpo.
When Harpo rises from be-
hind crib, he has on a
nurse's ruffled cap and
'kerchief. He picks up
a pretty baby and holds it
like a mother. Gibson
pokes his nose in door for
a second and is deceived.
Harpo moves at crib and
shows his foot slipping
inadvertently into a toy
push-box. Then as Harpo
leans over to place the
baby down the action
squeaks the push-box on
Harpo's foot. He thinks
it is the baby.
Harpo nurses the baby again
in his arms, then when he
tries to place it in the
crib again, the push-box
makes the same squeak.
Continue the same business
as long as desirable.
Finally the push-box be-
comes disengaged from
Harpo's foot and he puts
the baby down, pinching
its pretty face. As he
does so the baby sticks
out his tongue and gives
Harpo the bird.
Gibson appears again, still
looking for Harpo, who slips
behind the chute where a
group of kiddies are clamber-
ing to slide. Harpo lifts
them up and pushes them
down the chute. A short,
dignified old man comes in
with two small kids who
want to slide. Harpo lifts
the first kid and pushes
him down chute. Then he
lifts the little short man
and pushes him down chute.
The little man rushes back
at Harpo, shaking his index
finger at him in high in-
dignation. Harpo mistaking
the action, shakes two
fingers at the little man,
picks him up and gives him
another ride down chute.
Gibson returns and Harpo
ducks through door. Gibson
follows. There is a long
play table with cover
reaching to floor. Harpo
crawls under. Gibson
drops to floor and sticks
his head under covering,
his feet, soles up,
visible only.
Harpo crawls out. Sees
Gibson's feet. Harpo
puts a pair of spring
devices on Gibson's feet.
Harpo makes for door lead-
ing to deck as Gibson
comes as from under cover-
ing.
CUT TO:
Deck as Harpo comes out
of Nursery door. Gibson
right after him, but his
steps are noticeably
bouncy. Harpo runs to
the ship's rail and stops.
Gibson springs way over
his head and disappears
over a rail. There is a
shout of "Man overboard!"
Harpo looks at a glassed-
in case containing a
special life ring con-
trivance. Painted on
glass is: IN CASE OF
EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS.
Harpo breaks the glass
and then walks away.
CUT TO:
A shot showing Gibson,
having landed on the deck
below, picking himself up
in a rage.
CUT BACK TO:
Harpo walking along
happily.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "F"
SEQUENCE "G"
FADE IN:
SECLUDED CORNER OF BOAT DECK
In between two boats Alky
Briggs is whispering to
Groucho and Zeppo.
BRIGGS: Listen, I have an idea
there's going to be
trouble, and I want
you two boys to stick
close to me.
(He gives them a
quick look)
Not afraid, are you?
ZEPPO: Well --
GROUCHO: Afraid? Me afraid?
A man who's licked his
weight in wild cater-
pillars? Afraid? You
bet I'm afraid!
ZEPPO: (To Briggs)
What sort of trouble
do you expect?
BRIGGS: Well, Farina's hired
two tough gorillas and
I think they're out to
get me.
GROUCHO: What are they gonna
get you?
BRIGGS: They'll get us all an
ocean funeral if we
don't watch ourselves.
ZEPPO: (Astounded)
Funeral?
BRIGGS: (Ominously)
Anything can happen.
Lucille appears, obvious-
ly searching for Briggs.
She stops, frowning.
Groucho sees Lucille and
starts to go into tango
with her. She repulses
him.
LUCILLE: (Shrill fury in
voice)
Oh, here you are, loaf-
ing around with these
tramps and me --
GROUCHO: How are things in the
closet? Everything all
right when you left?
LUCILLE: I don't want to talk to
you.
GROUCHO: I ketch on. Hubby,
huh?
(Nudges her)
ZEPPO: (In low voice to
Groucho)
Don't you think we
ought to go?
GROUCHO: Go and leave this
prince of fine fellows
to face a madwoman's
whim?
(To Briggs)
No, you go and I'll
stay here with the
woman, eh baby?
LUCILLE: (Brushing Groucho
aside)
Let me tell you, Alky
Briggs --
Briggs silences her
savagely, turning to
Groucho and Zeppo.
BRIGGS: Just a minute, you
guys.
He walks off arguing
furiously with Lucille.
CUT TO:
A point further down the
deck. Several people
are playing rope quoits;
one of them holding a
handful of quoits, Harpo
brushes against him, the
quoits falling into
Harpo's hands. Passenger
turns to remonstrate with
forefinger in air. Harpo
rings his hand with three
fast quoits. Passenger
sputters, trying to re-
move them. Harpo darts
up to him, raises his
hand again and Chico rings
several more on passen-
ger's arm.
CUT TO:
Harpo as he appears with
three circular life pre-
servers, his eyes beam-
ing as if ready to ring
passenger with those.
CUT TO:
SAME CORNER OF BOAT DECK
BETWEEN TWO BOATS
Groucho and Zeppo see
Chico coming down deck.
CHICO: Did you see a fella
named Alky Briggs?
GROUCHO: See him? Why we never
leave him for a minute.
ZEPPO: We're his bodyguards.
CHICO: We're looking for Joe
Farina. We're HIS
bodyguards. We never
leave him either. How
much do you fellows
get?
ZEPPO: We don't know yet.
CHICO: It's not enough.
GROUCHO: Take my advice, lay
off of Briggs. We're
working for HIM but
we're going to try to
get a job working for
Farina, too.
CHICO: Well, maybe we can get
a job with Briggs, too.
GROUCHO: How can you work for
both sides the way we
do?
CHICO: I got time on my day
off. You see, I work
for Briggs all week
and get Farina. Then
on Thursday, my day
off, I work for Farina
and get Briggs.
GROUCHO: What if Briggs or
Farina are not there?
CHICO: Then I get anybody
who's hanging around.
GROUCHO: Suppose that I am
hanging around.
CHICO: Well, if it is a week-
day I'll get you. If
it's Thursday I'll
help you get me.
GROUCHO: Fine, what do you say
we get you next
Thursday?
CUT TO:
Harpo over by a row of
a chairs. He is fold-
ing one of them very
methodically, bears it
over to edge of rail and
drops it overboard, dusts
his hands with satisfac-
tion and turns toward
chairs again.
CUT TO:
Zeppo -- his eye struck
on something off-screen.
LONG SHOT
Mary walking on upper
deck.
CUT BACK TO:
Zeppo as he starts for
her.
CUT TO:
Harpo folding another
deck chair, bearing it
to edge of rail and drop-
ping it overboard. He
returns to deck chairs,
approaching stout old
lady asleep in one of
them. He nudges her but
she does not move. He
tickles her, pirouetting
away and laughing as if
he himself had been
tickled. No response.
Puzzled, he stares at her,
then takes alarm clock
from pocket, sets it and
lets it go off. She
rises sleepily. He picks
up deck chair, folds it,
brushes it off, and drops
it overboard.
Groucho approaches a
small table.
GROUCHO: Hey, you forgot this.
Harpo gone, Groucho
shrugs shoulders, picks
up table and throws it
overboard.
Joe Farina, preoccupied,
comes walking by, obvious-
ly looking for Mary.
Groucho darts up to him
buttonholing him, sales-
man fashion, puffing on
cigar.
GROUCHO: Just the man I was
looking for. If I
could show you how to
save 20%, would you be
interested? Of course,
you would.
(Strides around
Farina like an
efficiency expert
who has turned
over a point.)
In the first place,
your overhead is too
high. Interested
already, aren't you?
Just wait till I get
finished.
JOE: (Attempting to
leave)
I ain't got time.
GROUCHO: Now, look! There are
two fellas trying
to attack you, aren't
there?
JOE: Why --
GROUCHO: Exactly. You've got
two bodyguards, haven't
you? There you are.
50% waste. Why can't
you be attacked by your
own bodyguards?
JOE: What're you gettin' at?
GROUCHO: I anticipated that
question. How does an
army travel? On it's
stomach. How do you
travel? On a ship.
Of course, you're sav-
ing your stomach. Now,
that same common sense
will save you --
JOE: I don't think you --
GROUCHO: Oh, I realize it's a
penny here and a penny
there, but look at it
from a woman's ankle...
What do you say?
JOE: I'll tell you what I
say, I say --
GROUCHO: I knew you'd see it.
I'm your new bodyguard.
In case I'm gonna
attack you, I'll have
to be there to defend
you, too. Let me know
when you want to be
attacked and I'll be
there ten minutes later
to defend you.
(Laughs con-
temptuously)
And you said you didn't
have time to talk to me.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
HURRICANE DECK - LONG SHOT
Zeppo is walking nervous-
ly and rapidly toward
CAMERA, pausing to look
over shoulder now and
then. Mary Farina, in
smart sports clothes,
steps out of companionway.
Zeppo brushes into her,
moves off, then turns
back to apologize.
ZEPPO: I'm terribly sorry.
Did I hurt you?
MARY: (Startled)
Why, no --
ZEPPO: (Sheepishly)
You see, I was hurry-
ing, and --
MARY: (Smiling)
So I noticed.
ZEPPO: I -- do quite a lot
of hurrying --
(Now trying to make
conversation)
I should have been more
careful.
MARY: That's quite all right.
(Starts to walk
away)
ZEPPO: (After her)
Aren't you going to
let me ... apologize?
MARY: But you did apologize.
ZEPPO: I did?
Zeppo keeps abreast of
her, CAMERA TRUCKING with
both of them. Unseen by
her he takes his handker-
chief from breast pocket
and drops it behind her.
He halts her by touching
her arm.
ZEPPO: Pardon me, is this
yours?
Mary looks down at obvious
man's handkerchief on deck.
MARY: Why, no.
(She suppresses
a smile)
While Zeppo is picking
up his handkerchief, she
drops hers in front of
her.
MARY: (Pointing to
handkerchief)
Is this yours?
ZEPPO: (with understanding
look)
Yes, it is.
He picks it up and folds
it, carefully pressing
it in his breast pocket.
They glance at each other
mischievously as we
FADE OUT.
END OF SEQUENCE "G"
SEQUENCE "H"
FADE IN:
EXTERIOR - LONG SHOT -
Of liner already in
quarantine. The morning
mist is lifting. Passen-
gers at rail, perhaps
the Statue of Liberty
seen dimly in the dis-
tance, and general
activity previous to
landing.
QUICK SHOT down the
side of the steamer
showing the immigration
tender already lashed
to gangplank.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOT OF FORWARD
DECK
Gibson is talking to a
group of passengers.
GIBSON: Have your landing
cards and passports
ready. Remember, you
can't get off the
boat without them.
CUT TO:
FORWARD DECK
Showing cameramen and
reporters coming off
gangplank. Buzz of
conversation.
(The dialogue at this
point is rapid and
fused into journalistic
shop talk)
FIRST
REPORTER: That's ambassador --
what's his name?
He's on the boat. We
gotta get a good
picture of him.
SECOND
REPORTER: Hey, Fred, the boss is
hot on that foreign
loan stuff. Let's get
him first.
THIRD
REPORTER: Hey, boys, where's the
opera dame?
FOURTH
REPORTER: Oh, take it easy. We
got time.
CUT TO:
Point down on outside
deck where dignified
opera dame, diplomat
and financier are sur-
rounded by the press
who are firing questions
at them.
(The questions and
answers are spoken al-
most simultaneously)
FIRST
REPORTER: (To opera singer)
But can we quote you,
Madame?
OPERA
SINGER: (In broken
English -
French accent)
Ah, non. What would
my manager say?
(Groucho butts
in between
reporters)
GROUCHO: I'd like to ask you a
few insulting ques-
tions! Do you think
the Atlantic Ocean is
here to stay? Did you
know that King Solomon's
temple was on the side
of his head? What is
it that has eight legs
and gives more milk
than a cow? Two cows.
The third reporter
signals to cameraman,
a few feet away.
SECOND
REPORTER: O.K., Joe.
CUT TO:
Cameraman who nods and
squeezes bulb in his
hand. A loud honk-honk,
and the camera straight-
ens up revealing Harpo
and no camera.
(The apparent camera
cloth was his own cape,
and the bulb the head
of his cane)
Rolling his eyes, he
drifts from the pic-
ture.
CUT TO:
A photographer on the
verge of snapping pic-
ture of the diplomat.
Chico darts up to
diplomat, seizing his
hand and shaking it
vigorously.
CHICO: Hello, hello. Are you
working now?
DIPLOMAT: (Bewildered)
Of course I am. I'm --
CHICO: Where did you get the
job? Maybe they got
one for my grandpa.
He's just about your
size and he ain't
smart either.
DIPLOMAT: Why, you --
CHICO: Poor old fella. He
ain't lifted a hand in
28 years except to
take a poke at my
grandma. You can't
make any money that
way.
Chico has been holding
the diplomat's hand
throughout this. He
immediately starts arm
wrestling with diplomat.
CHICO: You lost that one.
This time for money,
eh, Serge?
They tug at each other's
arms again. CUT in
Harpo as he seizes the
diplomat's other arm and
begins same procedure.
CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT -
Of opera singer ready
to pose for her picture.
Groucho jumps out from
behind her, encircling
her waist.
GROUCHO: And you can say it
was a pure love match.
We married for money,
eh, my shrinking
violet? Say, it
wouldn't hurt you to
shrink thirty pounds.
OPERA
SINGER: (Struggling to
get free)
You -- you impudent --
GROUCHO: Charming little
monster, isn't she?
But as gentle as a
mouse. And we're go-
ing to be quite happy,
aren't we Miss --
Miss --
OPERA
SINGER: I'll report you to
your paper for this!
GROUCHO: I'll thank you to
let me do the report-
ing. Come clean now!
Is it true you are
getting a Paris
divorce as soon as
your husband recovers
his eye-sight? Is
it true you broke a
light for every heart
on Broadway? Is it
true you wash your
hair in clam broth?
Is it true you used
to dance in a flea
circus?
(Contemptuously)
You playboy you!
No, don't touch me!
OPERA
SINGER: This is an outrage!
If you don't stop,
I'll call the Captain.
GROUCHO: Oh, so that's it.
Infatuated with a
pretty uniform, white
pants and a jaunty
cap. Huh! We don't
count after we've
given you the best
years of our lives,
do we? You have to
have an officer.
OPERA
SINGER: I don't like this
innuendo.
GROUCHO: That's what I always
say. Love flies out
the door when money
comes innuendo.
CUT TO:
EXTERIOR DECK -
CLOSE SHOT -
Of Zeppo and Mary lean-
ing over rails, talking.
MARY: You're awfully glum.
ZEPPO: (Despondently)
I was just thinking
after the boat lands
I may never see you
again.
MARY: Does it matter to you
whether you ever see
me again?
ZEPPO: I can't think of any-
thing in the world
that matters more.
MARY: You say nice things.
I like you.
CUT TO:
LONG SHOT - FIRST-CLASS
SALON
A long line of people
is filing very slowly
past two tables at
which are seated Immi-
gration Officials
examining the passports.
Chico crowds in at the
head of the line.
LITTLE
MAN: (Indignantly)
What's going on here?
CHICO: I think they're giving
away samples.
CUT TO:
The inspectors table, at
which Zeppo appears.
INSPECTOR: (Looks up from his
work - to Zeppo)
Where's your passport?
ZEPPO: (Fishes paper out
of his pocket,
hands it to In-
spector, points
to it)
That's my name.
CLOSE UP
Of Inspector's hands hold-
ing passport, on which is
a photo of Maurice
Chevalier.
INSPECTOR: Maurice Chevalier, eh!
This doesn't look like
you.
ZEPPO: Sure, I'm Maurice
Chevalier. I'll sing
for you.
(He sings)
If the Nightingale
could sing like you, etc.
INSPECTOR: (Breaking him off
short)
Get out of here, you.
(Throws Zeppo out
of scene)
CUT TO:
Line as passengers move
up to table. Chico
crowds into line.
PASSENGER: (To Chico)
Go to the end of the
line!
Chico, taking the sugges-
tion, moves to the head
of the line, pushing in
front of the opera dame.
OPERA DAME: How dare you!
INSPECTOR: Passport.
CHICO: (Hands passport to
inspector)
That's me.
INSPECTOR: It doesn't look like
you.
CHICO: I don't look like me
from the front -- look
at the side.
(Turning the pass-
port in the In-
spector's hand)
INSPECTOR: You're not Maurice
Chevalier.
(Hands back pass-
port)
CHICO: Sure, I am. Just
because I don't look
like Maurice Chevalier
you say I'm not Maurice
Chevalier! All right,
I'll sing for you!
(sings)
If the Nightingale
could sing like you,
etc.
INSPECTOR: Get out of here, you!
(Throws Chico out
of the scene)
CUT TO:
Groucho coming up to
the table.
INSPECTOR: Passport.
GROUCHO: (Handing passport)
Maurice Chevalier is
the name.
INSPECTOR: Well this picture
doesn't look like
you.
GROUCHO: I know it. All my
friends say I take
a very good picture.
INSPECTOR: Look at that face.
(Hands passport
back)
GROUCHO: Look at that face, I
dare you.
(Indicating Opera
Dame)
INSPECTOR: Look here, you, iden-
tify yourself.
GROUCHO: (Sings)
If the Nightingale
could sing like you,
etc.
Groucho parades out
in front of the line
during song, catches
sight of guard and
immediately disappears.
PAN TO line showing
Harpo, who has crowded
in ahead of the other
passengers.
INSPECTOR: Passport!
Harpo hands him a
piece of pasteboard.
INSPECTOR: I didn't say paste-
board - I said passport.
Harpo hands him a pass-
port.
CLOSE UP
Of Inspector's hands
holding passport. The
photo on it is that of
a Chinaman. The name
under it signed:
Charlie Hipsing.
CUT BACK TO:
FIRST CLASS SALON
INSPECTOR: So you're Charlie
Hipsing.
Harpo makes a face
like a chinaman. Harpo
attempts to look like
a chinaman. Standing
beside him is a man
with a little girl
in his arms. The
girl's hair hangs in
a long pigtail.
Harpo makes a cue out
of the girl's hair to
complete his disguise.
Inspector throws pass-
port down.
INSPECTOR: Get out of here!
Harpo produces another
passport.
CLOSE UP
Of the Inspector's
hands, showing this
passport. The photo
is that of a bearded
Russian - the name
signed to it is
Alexia Valeska.
INSPECTOR: (Reads the name)
Alexia Valeska.
CUT BACK TO:
FIRST CLASS SALON
Harpo, in the mean-
time, has acquired a
beard similar to the
one shown in the
photograph.
INSPECTOR: (Snatching beard
from Harpo's
face)
Well, at least,
you didn't say you
were Maurice Chevalier.
Harpo hands him another
passport, starts to
whistle: "If the Night-
ingale could sing like
you, etc,"
The Inspector explodes
at this and throws
Harpo out.
LONG SHOT
Ship docking.
LONG SHOT
Side of ship at dock.
A long rope ladder,
reaching from top deck
to dock, swings down
the ship side.
The Marxes appear on a
lower deck at spot where
ladder passes. They
scramble over the deck
rail onto the ladder
and scurry like monkeys
to the bottom. They
are about to put foot
on the dock.
CUT TO:
A winch on upper deck.
Officer, standing by,
gives a signal and the
winch begins to wind up
rope which extends off-
scene.
CUT TO:
Marxes on rope ladder.
The ladder is rapidly
pulled up ship's side,
as Marxes attempt to
climb down. They make
no progress as they de-
scend the ascending
ladder. They bunch
up at the end of the
ladder and are hoisted
up on deck.
CUT TO:
SHOT ON deck as the appear-
ance of the Marxes sur-
prises the crew. The
Marxes rush down the com-
panion way to deck below
as some members of the
crew give chase.
CUT TO:
Large porthole on ship's
side.
The Marxes open glass and
look down to water.
CUT TO:
DECK RAIL
Four deckhands are put-
ting luggage on a chute
that extends from the
boat to the dock.
The four Marxes barge into
the scene and begin to
help them, putting suit-
cases and bags on the
chute.
GROUCHO: (Takes a woman's
hatbox from deck)
Be careful the way
you handle my hatbox!
CHICO: (To another deck-
hand)
I help you, eh? We'll
smash 'em.
(Throws the suit-
case down the
chute)
Harpo is throwing other
bags down the chute.
ZEPPO: (To another deck-
hand, who is care-
lessly tossing
luggage down the
chute)
I'll report you to the
captain.
DECKHAND: Oh, you will, will ya?
Fresh guy, eh?
GROUCHO: (Edging in)
Cut that out!
CHICO: (To ugly looking
deckhand)
Who are you anyway?
DECKHAND: Shut up or we'll mow
you down.
ZEPPO: Is that so!
GROUCHO: Oh, you want to fight!
DECKHAND: (Pushing Groucho)
Give me any more of
your lip and I'll
smear ya.
CHICO: What's the matter?
DECKHAND: He insulted me
didn't he, boys?
(To others)
Let's clean 'em up.
GROUCHO: Don't trifle with me.
I have a hot Southern
temper.
CHICO: We can lick you guys --
for money.
(Putting hand
in pocket)
Put up your money.
DECKHAND: You're on!
GROUCHO: All right, take off
your coats.
Deckhands peel off their
coats and hats as Harpo
collects them. As they
square off to fight
Groucho gets an idea.
GROUCHO: Wait a minute - let's
fight in the shade.
Groucho points to another
part of the ship and the
deckhands, eager for
battle, lead the way to
the new battleground.
The Marxes remain in their
tracks and hurriedly get
into the deckhands
clothes.
CUT TO:
Another part of deck.
SHOT OF deckhands look-
ing dumbly around for
the four men who
challenged them to
battle.
CUT TO:
SHOT AT gangplank as the
Marxes try to saunter
off the boat. They are
halted by an officer.
OFFICER: Hey, you mugs, take
off your hats and
coats and come below,
and scrub decks.
The Marxes are forced to
peel off the stolen coats.
They have their own coats
on underneath.
CUT TO:
DECK SCENE AT GANGPLANK
Passengers are going down
the gangplank. In the
crowd on deck at the head
of gangplank is a very
fat gentleman. He rudely
pushes his way forward,
jostling women. Gibson
enters scene, takes fat
gentleman by arm.
GIBSON: Take your time.
Ladies first.
FAT MAN: I'm in a hurry.
GIBSON: (Holding him back)
Take your time.
FAT MAN: Let me off the boat.
I'm a sick man. I
feel faint.
GIBSON: Stand back in line.
FAT MAN: I tell you, I feel
faint. I'm going
to faint.
(He faints and
falls on deck)
GIBSON: (As passengers
become excited)
Stand back! Stand
back! Give him air!
CUT TO:
LONG SHOT of crowd, in
great confusion, milling
around the fat man, who
reclines on deck. Cries
and gesticulations.
Other passengers scurry
into scene, impelled by
curiosity, until nothing
can be seen except backs
of the crowd. Two deck-
hands carrying stretcher
worm their way into the
middle of the melee.
CUT TO:
HEAD OF GANGPLANK
Gibson is clearing a
passageway for the
stretcher-bearers.
GIBSON: Make way below there.
Deckhand, holding one
end of stretcher, just
going out of scene.
CUT TO:
LONG SHOT - OF GANGPLANK
The head and shoulders
of the two deckhands
carrying stretcher are
visible above the canvas
sides of the gangplank.
CUT TO:
DOCK
The deckhands carrying
stretcher containing
blanketed figure into
the crowd, from foot of
gangplank. Suddenly
four heads appear from
under blanket at op-
posite ends of the
stretcher. They are
the Marxes, with faces
smiling in triumph. All
four sing the Chevalier
song, with gestures of
derision towards the
boat.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "H"
SEQUENCE "J"
FADE IN
on LONG SHOT of Joe Far-
ina's house.
CUT TO:
CLOSER SHOT
Showing Joe surrounded
by admiring townspeople,
bathing beauties and the
Marx brothers. Joe
raises his hand for
silence.
JOE: My friends --
(Applause)
My friends --
AD LIB: Atta boy, Joe.
Speech!
CUT TO:
Bathing beauties standing
massed on the steps above
and behind Farina. Harpo
and Chico cone into pic-
ture. Miss Clean Living
a hefty and seedy wench,
ogles them. With one ac-
cord, they dart for the
other five who rush into
the house. Miss Clean
Living pursues Harpo and
Chico.
CUT BACK TO:
Joe and Groucho:
JOE: My friends. I ain't
much on speech making.
In fact, this is the
first speech I ever
made in my life --
GROUCHO: And by all odds the
worst I ever heard.
And with that thought,
ladies and gentlemen,
I leave you.
JOE: (interrupting)
Listen you --
GROUCHO: (Turning to Joe)
That's what a fearless
speaker has to face --
heckling, trying to
heckle me.
(Turning to audience)
And you giving me the
berries --
(Dauntlessly)
But you forget that I
was raised on heckle-
berries.
CUT TO:
Doorway of house. A
shriek echoes from with-
in as Harpo and Chico
reappear. Chico is wear-
ing the bathing suit and
banner of Miss Clean Liv-
ing. Harpo wears bath-
ing suit and banner of
Miss Virtue, carrying
other banners in his
hand.
Chico approaches Joe.
CHICO: Nice house, but you're
burning too much coal.
GROUCHO: Just what I was getting
at, burning too much
coal.
(Produces a piece of
coal from inside of
his jacket)
(Confidingly)
Now here's the coal that
don't burn at all. No
trouble with ashes, no
lame backs from shovel-
ing, lasts a life time,
and best of all there's
no heat.
JOE: Save your time, kid.
We don't burn coal,
we use oil.
CHICO: (Drawing small can
of oil from inside
pocket)
Well, here's just the
oil you need.
Chico begins oiling Far-
ina's joints, placing a
few drops on his elbows
while he moves his arm
and then his knee, taking
up Farina's foot and
lowering it, as though
it were a piece of
machinery. Farina
takes a swing at Chico.
GROUCHO: I don't blame you....
Now here's an oil that's
right up your alley --
and that's where I got
it from. It's a perfect
snake oil. A drop of
this on your hair and
you won't have a snake
in the house -- except
maybe you.
CHICO: Say, maybe you got a job
for my grandpa?
JOE: What does your grandpa
do?
CHICO: He ain't doing anything
now, but if you give him
a job he won't do any-
thing either. That's
why he got fired from
his last place.
CUT TO:
A hotel room. Alky Briggs
is seated on edge of bed
talking into telephone,
brusquely.
BRIGGS: No, no, don't worry
about that. I tell you
everything is set. Never
mind the inside of the
house --
CUT TO:
Telephone booth in drug
store. A tough mug is
talking into 'phone.
MUG: They're in da house --
these four guys? Say,
they must be pretty
tough babies, Alky.
CUT BACK TO:
Briggs.
BRIGGS: The inside's covered,
see? They're giving a
reception tomorrow night
for Farina's kid. That's
where we come in. You
take Terry and Al and
get into the grounds --
get me?
CUT BACK TO:
Mug in booth.
MUG: (Shakes head knowing-
ly)
Oke, boss. I got you.
Mug hangs up receiver and
exits from booth. He
nods to two other mugs.
ONE OF
MUGS: What'd he say, Butch?
BUTCH: It's all set.
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "J"
SEQUENCE "K"
FADE IN:
INT. JOE FARINA'S DEN -
DOORWAY - MEDIUM SHOT
Joe enters with Harpo,
Chico and Groucho follow-
ing.
JOE: Right in here.
Joe sinks into his chair
behind desk. The three
dispose themselves com-
fortably over front of
desk almost in his lap.
JOE: Smoke?
Joe takes a box of cigars
from drawer which he
places on desk, left of
Harpo. Everyone helps
himself liberally. Harpo
sharpens his cigars in
pencil sharpener, clamped
to desk, then taking
large, fancy pencil from
desk, puts it in mouth,
lights it and puffs fra-
grant cloud of smoke with
satisfied expression.
CUT TO:
Joe whose brow is puckered
in meditation.
GROUCHO: Well, lets get down to
cases.
CHICO: Naw, it's too early.
Case's place ain't open.
We go to Tony's.
JOE: (Deliberately)
You fellas know what to
expect. Briggs is down
here with his gang.
Trouble's gonna pop.
CHICO: Say, what about my
grandpop? How about
giving him a job trim-
ming the hedges?
JOE: What hedges?
CHICO: The hedges of his beard.
JOE: We'll talk about that
later.
Groucho deposits ashes
in desk drawer.
GROUCHO: Come, come, Farina.
That's no way to treat
a fine old half-wit
like his granny. I
loved that man, I tell
you. He's fine all
through.
CHICO: He's all through?
That's fine. I hate
the old buffalo. He's
a dirty feeder.
JOE: Briggs knows I'm giving
a reception for my
daughter tomorrow night,
an' I think that's when
the blow-off's comin'.
But we're gonna be ready
for 'em. Listen, you
two guys --
(Indicates Chico
and Harpo)
-- are gonna watch the
house and grounds.
Harpo and Chico have
improvised a checker game
on the squared-off design
on Joe's cork-top desk.
For checkers they are using
inkwell, match box, paper
weight, etc. Also Joe's
watch, which is lying on
one of the squares.
At the moment of play,
Harpo is jumping Joe's
watch with a bottle of
paste and pocketing watch.
CHICO: We play some more, eh?
Harpo nods, smiling. Harpo
takes wrist-watch from
Joe's hand and replaces
the watch he has just lost.
Chico, nothing loath,
takes the stick-pin from
Joe's tie, jumps the wrist-
watch, pocketing both.
JOE: (With rising voice)
Now blow, you guys.
Harpo distends his cheeks
and blows, and the two
boys exit.
GROUCHO: (Coyly)
You haven't forgotten
me, have you?
JOE: I got a real job for
you. I got a tip that
Briggs and some of his
mob are over at the
Union Hotel. Get down
there, take a room and
see what you can find
out. I'd like to know
what they think they're
gonna pull off tomorrow
night.
GROUCHO: (Patting Joe on
the back)
J. F., I ain't much on
flowery sentiments, but
there's somethin' I
just gotta tell you.
Shucks, man, I'd be
nuthin' but a pizenous
varmint and not fitten
to touch the hem of
your skirt, if I didn't
tell you: You've
treated me square --
mighty square, an' I
ain't fergettin'.
(Puts left hand
vigorously on
Joe's left shoul-
der, seizes his
right hand, firmly
strides out of
room)
FADE OUT.
END OF SEQUENCE "K"
SEQUENCE "L"
MEDIUM SHOT
FRONT OF UNION HOTEL
A taxicab draws up in
front. Groucho stoops
out of cab, an inverness
cape and a crush top hat
on his head. He turns
to cab driver.
GROUCHO: How much is it?
DRIVER: $1.10.
Groucho hands him a
dollar and waves with
a lordly gesture.
GROUCHO: That's all right,
keep the change.
DRIVER: You only gave me a
dollar. I said a
dollar ten.
GROUCHO: That's all right.
Then I'll keep the
change.
Groucho exits into
hotel.
CUT TO:
Desk as Groucho ap-
proaches. The general
air or lobby denotes a
second rate hotel. The
clerk, flashy, flower in
buttonhole, general
dancehall gigolo type,
springs to attention,
proffering a pen to
Groucho. Groucho writes
his name -- peers at his
own signature.
GROUCHO: Is that spelled right?
CLERK: How should I know?
I never saw your name
before.
GROUCHO: And you call yourself
a clerk? I've got a
kid ten years old can
spell my name.
CLERK: I can't rent you a
room without baggage.
GROUCHO: Never mind the room,
just rent me some
baggage.
DISSOLVE TO:
MEDIUM SHOT
Of corridor. A bellboy,
followed by Groucho who
is carrying two heavy
suitcases, appears.
BELLBOY: Do you want your
windows opened?
GROUCHO: No, I'll go down
in the elevator.
BELLBOY: Right in here, sir.
Bellboy enters room,
raising windows, etc.
Groucho steps into
adjoining room, clos-
ing door
There is a knock on
door. Bellboy puts
his head in.
BELLBOY: Pardon sir, the clerk
said you were to be in
this room.
GROUCHO: Tell the clerk to
keep his nose out
of my room.
Groucho takes out a
dollar bill.
GROUCHO: Where's Alky Briggs'
room?
BELLBOY: (Eyes widening)
Right above yours.
GROUCHO: See this?
(Holds up bill)
Come up tomorrow
morning and you can
have another look at
it.
Bellboy disgustedly
withdraws, closing door.
Groucho crosses room
rapidly, raises window,
stepping out on fire
escape. He ascends fire
escape.
SHORT SHOT
Through window which
Groucho is approaching,
showing Alky Briggs'
back to window. Groucho
enters the room.
BRIGGS: I thought I sent you
over to Farina to
watch the house.
GROUCHO: They wouldn't let me
in. I didn't have
any baggage.
BRIGGS: What's the idea comin'
in thru the window?
GROUCHO: Farina's house is
being watched and I'm
not taking any chances.
BRIGGS: Well, I'm glad you're
here.
GROUCHO: You're easily amused.
BRIGGS: Now, here's the lay-
out --
GROUCHO: Enough of this.
Where's your wife?
BRIGGS: Lucille?
GROUCHO: Yes, Lucille! I'm
not good enough for
her, am I?
BRIGGS: Listen to me! Farina
is throwing a party
tonight and I want --
The door opens and
Spike, Shorty and Butch
enter, sheepishly drag-
ging their feet. Briggs
turns on them.
BRIGGS: Well?
SPIKE: We couldn't get in.
GROUCHO: See? No baggage.
Groucho turns toward
window. Briggs motions
the three guys over to
him.
BRIGGS: Fine mugs you are!
Couldn't crash into
that fathead's house.
(They start to
explain)
BRIGGS: (Stops them
impatiently)
Aw, never mind the
alibis -- but get this!
We'll get in tonight
because I'm goin' with
you. I'll show that
big tub of fat who's
the big shot around here.
We're gonna get the girl
and take her to the
warehouse.
GROUCHO: Warehouse! A fine
bunch of cheap sports
you are. With all
the good shows in
town, you take a girl
to a warehouse.
Spike, Shorty and Butch
turn to leave. Briggs
stops them, turning
again.
BRIGGS: Wait a minute. You
guys go down to Joe's
hockshop and get some
tuxedos and saxo-
phones.
BUTCH: Saxophones?
BRIGGS: Yeh. You fellas are
gonna crash in as
musicians. Get me?
I took care of the
fella who owns the
band.
SHORTY: Oke, boss. We'll
blow Farina to a good
time tonight.
They exit as Groucho
crosses room, picks up
bags and puts one foot
out of window.
BRIGGS: Where you going?
GROUCHO: Sorry, but the chil-
dren will be home from
school at three, and I
gotta warm up my hus-
band for dinner.
(He exits)
CUT TO:
Window of Groucho's room
as he enters, dropping
his bags and jumping to
telephone.
GROUCHO: (Into phone)
Give me Backfire 4732
- Party J ...
(Hums "The Skies
Will All Be
Blue," etc.)
Is this Backfire 4732
- Party J? ...
Mamoulian on the wire
... Give me Joe
Farina ... Yes, yes.
A short fat fella
without an overcoat.
CUT TO:
A dignified old gentle-
man, at other end of
phone.
GENTLEMAN: This is Backfire 4732
- Party J, but
there's no Farina
living here. You
must have the wrong
number.
CUT TO:
Groucho;
GROUCHO: No, it's the right
number all right --
you must be in the
wrong house.... I
don't care how long
you've lived there,
you're still in the
wrong house. You
better get out of
there before I send
for the police ...
(Jiggles hook)
Operator, operator ...
Backfire --
The door opens gently
and Alky Briggs stands
in doorway, listening
intently.
GROUCHO: ... Is this Farina?
... Mamoulian on the
wire. Yeh, yeh --
(Sings)
'The Spanish castle
I build in my mind,
Will be a love nest,
a practical kind.
The skies will all
be blue,
When my dreams come
true.'
Yeh, yeh ... O.K.
Farina.
(Hangs up.)
BRIGGS: Hey, what're you
calling Farina for?
If I thought you
were working for that
big --
GROUCHO: I'm not working for
anybody. I'm in
business for myself.
BRIGGS: What did you say to
Farina?
GROUCHO: I tell you I can't tell
you now. You must
trust me. You must
have faith in me. I'll
tell you sometime when
you're not here.
BRIGGS: O.K., but remember,
I'll be watching you
tonight.
(He exits)
Groucho picks up suit-
cases, exits thru win-
dow and up fire escape.
CUT TO:
Groucho entering window
of Briggs' room. He
drops suitcases, jumping
to phone.
CUT TO:
Briggs walking down
corridor toward his room.
MEDIUM SHOT
Over Briggs' shoulders,
showing Groucho seated
at phone.
GROUCHO: Listen, Joe --
BRIGGS: Trickey, eh? What're
you doin' with that
phone?
GROUCHO: I was trying to get
hold of you, but now
that you're here it
can wait.
Groucho slips receiver
into pants' pocket.
Groucho tips his hat,
picks up bags and exits
thru door. A bellboy is
just going down the hall.
Groucho falls in behind
him and walks after boy.
CUT TO:
LOBBY
Groucho is exiting thru
main door of hotel, the
boy in front of him. A
cab is waiting. The
driver jumps out, opens
door, standing at atten-
tion. The bellboy enters
cab and the driver starts
off, leaving Groucho on
the sidewalk with his bags.
CUT TO:
Groucho walking off in
opposite direction,
carrying bags.
GROUCHO: America's getting
soft, anyhow. Too
many people riding
around in automobiles.
END OF SEQUENCE "L"
SEQUENCE "M"
In front of the gate to
the rear entrance of Joe
Farina's estate -- about
two yards outside of the
gate. The gate is open.
FARINA: I don't want none of
Alky Briggs' crew
comin' into this party
and makin' trouble,
see? I want you guys
to guard this gate and
see that nobody comes
in, savvy? Nobody!
The people that's in-
vited has gotta come
by the front door and
show their invitations.
CHICO: We take care, boss.
Nobody is-a gonna get
past us.
FARINA: That's the spirit.
I'll see youse later.
Farina starts to go in-
side of gate. Harpo
blocks his way, refusing
to let him pass.
FARINA: (angrily)
What's the matter with
you?
CHICO: Ha, ha. You said no-
body's gonna go in and
he thinks you're no-
body.
(To Harpo - waving
hand assuringly)
Pst! He's all right,
partner, let him go in.
Harpo withdraws slowly,
his face still retaining
an expression of doubt.
FARINA: I wish I can depend
upon you guys continu-
ing that kind of work.
Farina exits.
CHICO: Well, partner, maybe
we oughta go lookin'
for people that are
tryin' to come in, eh?
I tink I go this way --
(Points to left)
-- and you go that way,
all right?
HARPO: (Nods)
Spike, a tough looking
yegg, comes up to gate
and attempts to walk in,
Chico and Harpo both jump
in his way.
CHICO: (Officiously)
Stop! Where you go?
SPIKE: (Somewhat smoothly)
I just wanna -- go in
and talk to Joe Farina.
Me and him is pals.
CHICO: (Suspiciously)
Well, whatever Farina
says, that goes for us,
too -- so you better
talk to us. Whata you
want?
SPIKE: (attempting to
force way)
I gotta see Farina, I
tell you.
CHICO: Hey, wait a minnit.
Nobody can go inside
this gate, see?
Chico and Harpo start
pushing him back with
short jerky shoves.
SPIKE: I tell you --
CHICO: (Continuing push-
ing business)
Whatever you tell us,
that's too bad, but no-
body gets in.
As the shoving continues
the Yegg is turning slowly
backward so that his back
is now toward the gate.
Chico and Harpo, with a
few more pushes, push him
inside the gate, where he
turns and runs toward
Farina's house. Chico
and Harpo brush their
hands with self-satisfac-
tion.
CHICO: (Contemptuously)
Hm -- a wise guy!
They sit against a tree
and start to drowse.
CUT BACK TO:
Party.
CUT BACK TO:
Harpo and Chico fast
asleep on a bench near
the gate. Butch and three
others of Alky Briggs'
gang approach on tiptoe.
BUTCH: Ssh. Ssh. This is a
cinch. You mugs better
stay over there while
I go in and take a look
around first.
Butch enters and the
others remain outside a
short distance from the
gate.
CUT TO:
Part of the lawn.
Butch notices Farina star-
ing at him suspiciously
from a short distance away.
Butch is frightened and
starts running toward gate.
Chico and Harpo are awak-
ened by the beating of
Butch's feet on the gravel
path. They jump up.
CHICO: (Stopping Butch)
Whoa! Where do you go?
BUTCH: (Excitedly)
I wanna get out.
CHICO: Aw, no! We're watchin'
this gate and nobody
can come in or go out.
Harpo and Chico start
pushing Butch back in
again.
BUTCH: But I ain't wanted here,
I tell you.
CHICO: (Continuing push-
ing business)
At's nothing. You
gotta stay anyway.
Butch looks around, and
seeing that Farina is ap-
proaching, makes a dash
to his right.
CHICO: (Shaking hands
with Harpo)
Not bad, eh, partner?
I tink we're gonna get
a raise soon.
Butch is seen jumping over
a fence and escaping.
Shorty enters.
SHORTY: I'd like to take a look
around inside the gate,
buddy.
(Holds out $10.00
bill)
There's an easy ten in
it for you guys if
you'll just look the
other way for a minute.
Harpo nods eagerly
and attempts to grab
bill.
CHICO: (Slapping him on
hand)
Whatsa matter with you
partner? Farina is our
best pal. We can't
double-cross him for
less than twenty bucks.
SHORTY: (Taking out
another ten)
Oh, that's all right
with me.
Harpo grabs both bills.
CHICO: (Letting Shorty
in)
That's different.
As Shorty starts in he
signals the three other
goofs who are waiting
on the side.
SHORTY: O.K. fellas. Come on.
The three try to enter
but Chico and Harpo stop
them.
CHICO: Wait a minnit. Whatta
you guys want?
SHORTY: Oh, they're all right,
buddy. They're friends
of mine.
CHICO: (Somewhat
flustered)
Well -- if they're
friends of yours then
it's all right, cause
we don't let no
strangers in.
All four go in.
Farina approaches and
arrives at the gate,
FARINA: A couple of fine guards
you mugs are. You'd
better come inside with
me, before somebody
steals you.
FADE OUT.
CUT TO:
LONG SHOT OF PARTY,
not yet completely
assembled.
CUT TO:
SHOT of the front steps.
The guests are arriving
for the reception, foot-
men opening doors of cars,
etc. A small crowd of
guests is slowly filing
in thru door which is
guarded by two burly mugs.
The guests are a sprink-
ling of mugs and dignified
society folk.
CUT TO:
Harpo and Chico coming
out of a patch of darkness
on the lawn, and starting
up steps, prepared to
enter. They fall into
line immediately behind
two amazon women and try
to squeeze in thru the
door marching in step
with the women.
As the women disappear
into the house, Harpo and
Chico are dragged out and
rudely bustled outside
again.
MUG: Hey, what do you want?
CHICO: I'm lookin' for a job
for my grandpa.
MUG: Beat it, you guys!
CHICO: Say, I don't think you
know who my partner is.
MUG: (Curtly)
No.
Harpo puts his leg up
on one of the mugs, is
repulsed, leans up
against the other so that
the horn in his belt
honks.
CHICO: (Triumphantly)
You see, I was right.
Come on, partner.
The two of them start
in arrogantly, are
seized by the mugs and
thrown out.
CUT TO:
Inside of the house and
crowd of dancing couples
showing varied nature of
guests. PAN toward the
music coming from
orchestra.
SHORT SHOT
Of orchestra revealing
Spike, Shorty and Butch,
Briggs' men, uncomfortably
blowing saxophones, their
eyes shiftily watching the
crowd.
CUT TO:
Zeppo and Mary dancing.
Mary is radiant -- Zeppo's
eyes sparkling.
MARY: If you weren't here I
don't know what I'd do.
ZEPPO: As far as I'm concerned,
there's nobody here but
you.
CUT TO:
Groucho threading his way
thru crowd and approaching
Joe Farina, who is busily
shaking hands and greeting
his guests. Joe is beam-
ing and jovial.
Groucho accidentally brushes
against a rather handsome
dame and her escort.
WOMAN: Pardon me.
GROUCHO: Not at all.
(Looks at her with
interest)
Say, how about you and I
passing out on the
veranda -- or would you
rather pass out here?
On second thought, never
mind; I don't like the
way you put your arms
around my neck when you
kiss.
Her escort starts forward
menacingly. Groucho slips
past him and up to Farina.
JOE: (To Groucho)
Some party, eh?
GROUCHO: You call this a party?
A more poisonous little
barbecue I never saw in
all my life. Wild horses
couldn't bring me here if
I didn't have something
to tell you.
JOE: What is it?
GROUCHO: I wish I could remember it.
(Scratches his head
perplexedly)
Mention a few things.
JOE: What?
GROUCHO: Anything. Mention base-
ball -- No, that's not
it. Mention the book of
the month, mention your
iceman, mention my
little sister, and you
die like a dog. No, I
can't remember what it
was -- remind me to
think of it later.
Joe stares at him
puzzled as Groucho
turns away.
CUT TO:
Steps outside entrance
as four men carry up
two huge floral wreaths,
spelling out:
SUCCESS TO JOE'S KID
GOOD OLD JOE
As they start to enter,
two mugs on guard pluck
Harpo and Chico from the
interior of the wreaths
where they are hiding,
and throw them out again.
CUT TO:
French balcony opening
from the ballroom.
Groucho, his head resting
on one hand, is stretched
out on a bench, smoking
a cigar and looking
thoughtfully into the
night.
The French doors open
and a plump, 40-year old
hoyden appears.
WOMAN: Oh, there you are, Bad
Boy -- gone and forgotten
our dance.
GROUCHO: Do you suppose I'd be
hiding out here if I
forgot? You've got a
face that'll haunt me as
long as I live -- longer
even. It'll haunt you,
too.
She approaches him and
interrupts to take his
hand. He removes it,
fishing in pocket to
produce a ring box and
extracts a ring from it.
WOMAN: (Ecstatically)
Oh, Colonel --
GROUCHO: Do you like this ring?
WOMAN: (She stares at it
longingly)
I love it, Colonel.
GROUCHO: Would you give me a buck
and a half for it? It's
brass, you know. I got
it from the nose of a
savage, so it ought to
fit you.
She bustles out
indignantly.
Groucho leans back
contentedly and takes
another puff at cigar.
The door opens again and
out step an attractive
matron end a distinguished-
looking gentleman. She
looks about fearfully.
MATRON: Careful, Henry. Some-
body may be watching.
GENTLEMAN: Oh, I've been careful
too long.
He attempts to embrace
her.
GROUCHO: (Suddenly)
Well, now that you
brought that up, just
how long have you been
careful?
They start, seeing
Groucho for the first
time.
MATRON: He -- saw.
GENTLEMAN: Be calm, Emily, I'll
talk to him.
(To Groucho)
Er -- my good man -- er
-- you won't say any-
thing about this, will
you? You see, her
husband is insanely
jealous.
GROUCHO: And what about me? What
about the sleepless
nights I've spent dream-
ing of her scarlet mouth?
(Stands up and
manfully grips
gentleman by
shoulder)
Yes, Jack, I've played
the game and lost, but
who am I to count the
cost?
(Suddenly)
Say, would you give me
a buck and a half for
this ring?
(Draws ring from
pocket again)
It's real brass. Look!
(Holds it up so
light catches it
and flings it in
shrubbery)
There, now, it's lost
and you gotta pay for
it.
GENTLEMAN: (With dignity)
Come, Emily.
They exit, as Groucho
returns to his first
pose, outstretched on
the bench, puffing at
cigar.
CUT TO:
Ballroom floor and
dancing couples. Bustle
business. After bustle
dance and Harpo is out
of bustle, Harpo sees a
man cut in on a couple.
He approaches the man
who has been cut out,
taps him on shoulder and
extends his arms as if to
dance. The man brushes
his arms aside. Harpo
shrugs shoulders and
approaches another couple
who are dancing, and cuts
in. The man leaves and
Harpo begins wrestling
with the woman.
CUT TO:
A group of potted palms --
Farina smoking a cigar,
talking to a couple of
men as Chico approaches
and tugs at his sleeve.
Joe turns.
JOE: Oh, Hello. Having a
good time, kid?
CHICO: Yeh, but what about a
job for my grandpa?
JOE: Your grandpa?
CHICO: Yeh, maybe you could
hire him to come to
this party.
(Deliberating)
Naw, he wouldn't come.
He's starving, but he's
a proud fella.
Groucho appears suddenly
his finger pressed to
his temple, abstractedly
tugging at Joe.
GROUCHO: I've got it. It's
something about a woman.
CHICO: (Brightly)
A corset?
GROUCHO: No, but you're getting
close.
CHICO: I wish I was.
GROUCHO: And the closer you get,
the stuffier it gets
in here.
(He walks up and
down tapping his
temple)
Oh, if I could only
remember ... It was
about a woman.
CHICO: What was her name? If
we can get that, the
rest is easy.
GROUCHO: Easy? You don't know
the woman.
JOE: (Impatiently)
Aw, come on, fellas.
This is a party and
we're here for a good
time.
Joe links his arm thru
Groucho's. Harpo
appears right behind
Joe and taps him on
shoulder. As Joe turns,
Harpo again is holding
out his arms inviting
him to dance. As Joe's
arm drops from Groucho's,
Harpo clasps him and
starts dancing with him.
Joe shakes him off.
DISSOLVE INTO:
Ballroom, with Joe
holding up his hand toward
orchestra for silence.
The music dies down and
the guests have stopped
dancing and are looking
inquiringly toward Joe.
JOE: Folks, this is my
daughter's party and
the sky's the limit.
It's cost me a hundred
grand. If you don't
see what you want, ask
for it.
CHICO: Well, I'd like a base-
ball suit and a job
for my grandpa.
CUT TO:
The plump, 40-year
old hoyden who turns
from talking to two
men and spies Groucho.
She rushes up to him.
WOMAN: (Ecstatically)
I'll tell you what
let's do. Let's play
some games.
GROUCHO: (Indignantly)
Fine language at a
respectable party! Do
you want to get us
thrown out?
CHICO: Sure, that's a great
idea. Hey, let's play
Spin the Bottle.
He takes a half filled
bottle from the tray,
places it on floor and
he and Harpo round up
the somewhat reluctant
guests in a large circle.
He places the bottle on
the side - Harpo spins
it. It sprays the
circle of guests.
CUT TO:
Groucho and Chico
looking around the
outside of ring,
their eyes fixed on the
bottle as it spins.
Harpo is circling the
inside of the ring,
eyes also fixed on the
bottle. The bottle
slows up and points to
the plump dame.
The three of them stop
perplexed -- looking at
her. Harpo, his eyes
watching Groucho and
Chico, slyly, slowly
begins moving around the
ring looking at them and
other women also. He
darts quickly at a
pretty girl, throws
himself at her.
The other two do the same
from outside of the ring,
the three of them ganging up
on the pretty girl. She
squirms out of the ring,
shrieking across the floor
with Harpo after her.
CHICO: Ha, ha. This is a great
game.
He slips inside the ring
and begins circling it
with Groucho also circling
as in previous prank.
He slows down as he sees
a girl who attracts him.
She turns slowly, and as
he dives at her, sidesteps,
he propels himself into
Groucho's arms. Simul-
taneously the music starts
and they do a few adagio
steps and take a bow.
The guests have scattered.
CUT TO:
Harpo appearing with four
chairs, placing them on
floor.
GROUCHO: Ah, so that's your game,
is it? You forget I once
held the Chair of Bird
Culture at Harvard. Why,
just last year I turned
down the chair at Sing
Sing.
Chico has rounded up Joe
and a dignified dowager,
both of them somewhat be-
wildered and marches them
to chairs. The music
starts and the five begin
moving around the chairs.
Four bars of the music --
it stops suddenly and the
boys make a dive for the
chairs, Chico brushing
the dowager into the fourth
chair and leaving Farina
as odd man. Farina
lumbers off as the music
starts again.
CUT TO:
A gentleman in a group
who turns to get a
couple of chairs for
ladies who are standing.
He reaches over and takes
chairs, leaving two for
the game. The music
proceeds a couple of bars,
stops suddenly. Groucho
and Chico hurl themselves
into chairs. Harpo
quickly pulls a camp
chair out of his coat,
seats himself on it and
pulls the dowager down on
his lap. The chair gives
way and they both sink to
the floor. Harpo begins
wrestling with the woman
on the floor, pins her
shoulders to floor, but
she still squirms.
Groucho circles around
like a hawk-eyed referee,
placing his hand under-
neath her hip to see
whether it is a fall yet.
The dame squirms but
Harpo gets a toehold on
her and as she shrieks,
Groucho holds up his hand
in signal that Harpo has
won.
Harpo arises and struts
victoriously towards a
dame who is singing a
song. By her side is a
harp and a vacant chair.
While she sings, accom-
panied by the orchestra,
Harpo is circling warily
around the harpist's chair
as if playing the game
with himself. The or-
chestra stops and Harpo
bangs himself into the
chair and goes into the
harp business and
specialty.
At the conclusion of
the harp specialty
CUT TO:
Groucho, directly behind
a dignified society
woman type, with rolled-
up sleeves. He plucks
three or four eggs from
her back hair and taps
her on the shoulder.
GROUCHO: Now you be here tomorrow
at the same time and I'll
take out the toast.
The plump, forty year
old hoyden appears and
rushes up to Groucho.
WOMAN: Oh, there you are,
Colonel. Aren't we
going to play some
more games?
GROUCHO: Yeh, since I've seen you
I'd like to play Blind
Man's Bluff.
Groucho bandages a hand-
kerchief over her eyes,
knots it in back, spins
her around a couple of
times and sends her reel-
ing out thru door.
Chico has joined Groucho
at the end of this. He
turns to Harpo who is
right behind him.
CHICO: Say, this is the best
game of all.
Chico turns and whispers
into Harpo's ear. They
pass among the guests
rounding them up. They
blindfold several forci-
bly, spin them around.
CUT TO:
Orchestra showing the
three Briggs men slip-
ping away.
CUT BACK TO:
Harpo, who sneaks up be-
hind Chico and blind-
folds him. Chico goes
stumblingly over in gen-
eral direction of the
piano. Harpo wafts the
two blindfolded wowsers
out.
CUT TO:
Chico as he feels around
the piano, his hands en-
countering keys. He
plays several chords, rips
off the bandage, seats
himself and goes into his
piano specialty, doing
one number. At the end
of the number
CUT TO:
Harpo on the outside
lawn with his two blind-
folded prisoners. He
produces a cup and sev-
eral pencils from his
pocket, places them in
the hand or his prisoner
and with a shove starts
him off down the drive-
way.
Then he leads his other
prisoner up into a
springboard and the man
walks off into the pool.
Harpo smiles, rubs his
hands and re-enters house.
CUT TO:
Harpo as he approaches
piano where Chico is
playing. Some flowers
and water have spilled
out of an overturned
vase on top of the piano.
Harpo produces a rag,
sops up the mater and
goes into his piano bit
with Chico. They are
almost finished when
CUT TO:
Joe Farina standing on
the edge of crowd. A
timid gentleman approach-
es him and whispers some-
thing in his ear. Joe
staggers, his eyes widen-
ing.
JOE: Oh ! Oh !
The guests crowd around
him as he stands there
stricken.
JOE: (with a gasp)
Mary -- they --
they've kidnapped
her!
ZEPPO: Kidnapped her!
JOE: (Choking with
emotion)
It's Mary -- my
daughter -- do
something!
ZEPPO: But who --
JOE: It's that Alky Briggs!
Oh, if I could --
He turns on the timid
gentlemen who had
whispered into his ear.
JOE: You saw 'em pull her
into the car! Why
didn't you do some-
thin'?
TIMID
GENTLEMAN: They were pointing a
gun at me.
ZEPPO: Which way did the car
go?
TIMID
GENTLEMAN: (Helplessly)
They made me turn
around -- I couldn't
see --
JOE: (Desperately)
Where could they go?
The idea of taking a
young girl --
GROUCHO: (Suddenly -- from
the crowd)
That's it! A young
girl! Just what I've
been trying to think
of all day! The ware-
house -- I heard Briggs
say so yesterday. That's
where they are taking
her ... Funniest thing,
it's been on the tip
of my tongue all day ...
Do you know I didn't
sleep a wink last night
thinking about it? ...
Sometimes you forget a
name or a place ...
Why, only last night ...
no, it Thursday ...
There is a terrible
confusion and noise,
with Joe shouting to
some of his gorillas.
JOE: Hey, get your car --
Get your gats --
Etc.
Guests are milling
around as we slowly
FADE OUT
END OF SEQUENCE "M"
SEQUENCE "N"
MEDIUM TO CLOSE SHOT -
Collection of ramshackle
buildings on the water-
front. A rum sloop is
lashed to the dock.
Through a large opening
in the side of one of the
warehouses projects the
long arm of a steam hoist,
the lifting member of
which is of the pincher
type used in excavating.
This crane, with the
pinchers clutching bottles
of champagne, swings rap-
idly from the hatchway of
the sloop into the ware-
house, to the accompani-
ment of whirring machinery,
rattling of chains, jerky
explosions of steam, and
mingling of rough voices
of the hardboiled crew.
CLOSE SHOT
Inside of warehouse, show-
ing a little of bootleggers'
equipment; cases of liquor,
bottles, demijohns, barrels,
kegs of beer.
A large vat of beer, bub-
bling and frothy, fills
one corner. On a plat-
form at the top of the
vat, men are siphoning
the beer into kegs, which
are placed on a mechanical
gadget, which carries them
down to the main floor of
the warehouse. Empty kegs
ascend on a gadget.
CLOSE SHOT
Of Briggs and several
henchmen, standing on plat-
form of vat, near a door
labeled: "Office." They
are armed with pistols and
sawed-off shotguns.
BRIGGS: (Opening office
door, looking in,
shutting it, lock-
ing it.)
Shorty, I've locked
Joe's daughter in
there. Place a guard
outside. I'll stay
here till the boat's
unloaded, then we'll
get the girl aboard
and put to sea. I'll
make Farina talk turkey
now, or --
The pincher end of crane
swings into view over-
head, runs down on cable,
opens, and spills bottles
of champagne on floor.
Men scramble to remove
same.
BRIGGS: Step on it there, you!
CUT TO:
Outside of office window
which is barred. Mary's
face, pale and frightened,
is peering out. The sil-
houette of an ugly yegg
appears against the win-
dow outside. Mary gasps.
CUT TO:
MEDIUM SHOT -
Of Dock.
Three of Briggs' yeggs on
guard under an overhead
light.
YEGG: (As three stand
tensely alert)
Who's there? Stick
'em up!
Groucho and Zeppo come
into the scene with hands
up.
GROUCHO: (Very tough)
Don't shoot, you mug,
or I'll rub you out.
Me and me pal belongs
to the gang.
YEGG: Keep 'em up!
ZEPPO: We wanta see Briggs.
YEGG: What's the counter-
sign?
GROUCHO: Not responsible for
overcoats that don't
fit after leaving this
counter.
YEGG: Come with me!
CUT TO:
Inside of warehouse.
Briggs and yeggs at bottom
of narrow steps leading
to vat.
Groucho and Zeppo, hands
still up, enter scene
covered by yeggs.
BRIGGS: (On the alert)
Keep 'em up!
GROUCHO: Hello, Alky.
(Offers his hand)
BRIGGS: Keep 'em up, I ain't
so sure of you guys.
GROUCHO: Why we're all pals.
That was a neat job
we pulled off, heh
Alky?
BRIGGS: What do you guys want?
Zeppo has been darting
looks here and there,
searching for Mary.
GROUCHO: Oh! We just wanted
to offer congratulations.
Need any more help,
Alky?
BRIGGS: Beat it! There ain't
nothin' you can do for
me.
GROUCHO: Now think! Couldn't
I dust your office?
Or tidy up your bank
roll?
BRIGGS: (Emphatically)
I say there ain't
nothin' you can do for
me.
GROUCHO: (Mimicking Briggs)
Oh, there ain't nothin'.
Well, I could give you
some grammar lessons.
At signal from Briggs,
yegg sees Groucho and
Zeppo.
BRIGGS: Throw 'em in the river.
Groucho and Zeppo break
away from them.
CUT TO:
FULL SHOT -
Looking down from top to
the floor of the warehouse.
Groucho and Zeppo have
their backs to the wall.
The yeggs are lined up to
rush them. As the yeggs
move toward them, the
crane arm of the hoist
comes down between the
Marxes and yeggs. Crane
arm sweeps the line of
yeggs back across the
warehouse floor. Yeggs
land in a pile. They
scramble to their feet
and rush toward Groucho
and Zeppo, who stand
poised with their dukes
up. The crane arm swings
down into view again be-
tween the antagonists,
catches the line of yeggs
advancing, brushes them
aside into a pile as be-
fore.
CUT TO:
The seat of the hoist.
Chico is sitting there
operating the levers of
the machine.
CHICO: (Moves the levers
rapidly amid his-
sing steam of re-
volving spools of
cable)
Aw, this is a bum
hoister. Maybe hoisters
are out of season. I
tink I'll try those
little shrimps over
there.
CUT TO:
The end of the crane's
pincher. It comes down
on the pile of struggling
yeggs. The prongs of the
pincher open and shut,
clawing out three squirm-
ing yeggs. Then goes up.
As the pincher shakes up
and down in, its ascent,
guns drop out of the yeggs'
pockets and hands.
CUT TO:
End of crane, swinging
out; over the water. The
pincher prongs open up
and drop yeggs into river.
CLOSEUP
Of warehouse floor, show-
ing guns that have dropped
from the yeggs' pockets.
Harpo comes into scene
with armful of pistols
and picks up other gats
that continue to drop to
the floor from overhead,
as steam hoist continues
its deadly work.
CUT TO:
Joe Farina, Groucho and
Zeppo, crowding up the
narrow steps leading to
the platform on the vat.
Briggs, back to office
door, stands at bay. Joe
closes in on Briggs.
Briggs pushes Joe off the
platform. As he dis-
appears out of scene,
Zeppo leaps at Briggs and
they grapple. Groucho
circles around them as
they clinch. Just as
Groucho aims a blow at
Briggs' chin, the grap-
plers swing around and
Zeppo receives the blow
from Groucho. The sock
knocks him groggy.
GROUCHO: (Looking at his
fists)
I'm way off my game
today.
(Poises his fist
again deliberately)
Head down - back slow
and low - arms straight -
flex the wrist - pivot --
(Lets another blow
fly, again hitting
Zeppo instead of
Briggs.
CUT TO:
Harpo. He is throwing
the pistols through the
warehouse window, smash-
ing each pane in succes-
sion.
CUT TO:
Door of warehouse.
A mob of yeggs swarm in
through the doorway. The
shadow of the crane's
pinchers falls on them
and they flatten against
the wall of the warehouse
and creep toward the
stairs of the vat. They
are about to rush to
Briggs' assistance when
the pincher comes into
view, holding Harpo by
the coat-tail. He
dangles over the yeggs'
heads, socking them at
random.
CUT TO:
Chico in seat of steam
hoist. Chico sings:
CHICO: Dad-da-da-da
Dad-da-da-da
CUT BACK TO:
Harpo swinging back and
forth over the heads of
the yeggs at the foot
of the stairs. He
deliberately taps each
head within range with
his blackjack. He
bounces up and down over
the head of the hardest-
looking yegg who is
half out, against the
wall. He swings back
in order to get him right,
parts the yegg's thick
hair to get a better
crack at him. Lets the
yegg have it - SOCKO!
And the yegg falls out
of scene.
CUT TO:
Top of stairs of beer
vat. Briggs and Zeppo
are still at it. Their
clothes are now prac-
tically ripped from
their shoulders. Groucho
is caught in a clinch
between them, his head
sticking out as Briggs
and Zeppo wrestle.
GROUCHO: Look out there, you'll
break my glasses!
Briggs slams Groucho
into Zeppo, knocking
Zeppo's head against
door.
(To Zeppo)
If you expect to win
this fight, you better
knock me out first.
Zeppo pushes Groucho
off the platform.
CUT TO:
Groucho landing at bottom
of stairs, falling on
beer-carrying gadget,
which carries him right
back up to where Zeppo
and Briggs are in another
deadly clinch.
GROUCHO: (Scrambling off
of gadget)
Well, hello, folks,
here we are again at
the ringside.
(Takes a dipper of
beer from the vat.
Drinks it)
Now the boys are
clinched in the center
of the ring. Nothing
happens.
Zeppo and Briggs break
away and begin swinging
at each other.
Now they're at it
again! Oooh! That
one hurt!
As Briggs and Zeppo go
into a clinch, Groucho
tries to part them like
a referee.
Come on, you boys,
break!
CUT TO:
Chico, on the hoist, work-
ing the levers furiously.
CUT TO:
FLASH
Of Mary, shrinking in
terror as the sound of
battle salutes her ears.
CUT TO:
Zeppo and Briggs, still battling.
The pincher pulls Groucho
away into the air by the
coat-tails, giving Zeppo
his first real chance at
Briggs. Zeppo, plants a
right on Briggs' jaw,
knocking him over back-
wards into the vat of
beer. Zeppo opens office
door and Mary falls into
his brawny arms.
Joe Farina comes into
scene, looking a little
the worse for wear.
JOE: Mary! You're safe now,
honey.
(Takes Mary in his
arms. She kisses
him, smiles and
falls back into
Zeppo's protecting
arms)
(Dropping his arm
about Zeppo's
shoulder)
Good boy, remember old
Joe Farina never for-
got a friend.
GROUCHO: (Comes into scene -
shakes Joe's hand)
Well, we certainly
fixed Alky Briggs'
wagon, didn't we? And
you won't forget me,
Joe? I never forgot
a friend with money -
not if I could help it.
CUT TO:
Chico, at hoist, stand-
ing up bowing right and
left like an actress
stealing bows.
CHICO: (Over-modestly)
I lift 'em, I lift 'em
down. I pulla dis,
I pulla dat. It was
notting. Well, I'll
take five thousand
dollars.
CUT TO:
Another vat of beer.
Harpo's head comes up
with a smile. He spurts
a little beer out of his
mouth - disappears out
of sight in the beer
again.
CUT TO:
Zeppo and Mary, in a
loving embrace.
DISSOLVE on this into
Zeppo and Mary, dressed
in natty going-away
clothes, yachting pre-
ferred. They are lean-
ing over the stern rail
of Joe Farina's private
yacht, name visible,
reading:
"Roustabouts"
ZEPPO: (Drawing Mary
closer to him)
At last we are alone.
(They steal a
kiss)
Out of three barrels
which stand on the
deck right behind
Zeppo and Mary emerge
the heads of Groucho,
Harpo and Chico. They
are singing "If a
Nightingale, etc."
FADE OUT
THE END
Screenplay by S. J. Perelman and Will B. Johnstone
Additional Dialogue by Arthur Sheekman
First White Script - April 11, 1931