Duck Soup - Secretary Of War

Send Above Image as a Why A Duck? Postcard

The Setup: Chicolini (Chico) has been employed by Trentino (Louis Calhern), along with Pinky (Harpo) to spy on Firefly (Groucho). Posing as a peanut vendor, Chicolini gains the attention of Firefly, who calls him into his office... (Note: all links in the text point to sound clips in Windows WAV format.)

Chicolini: Peanuts!

Firefly: Hey! (Chicolini tosses him a bag of peanuts, which he catches) Do you wanna be a public nuisance?

Chicolini: Sure. How much does the job pay?

Firefly: I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Chicolini: Peanuts...to you!

Firefly: Have you got a license?

Chicolini: License? No, butta my dog, he's gotta millions of 'em. Believe me, he's some smart dog. You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole?

Firefly: I'll bet the dog got to the Pole first.

Chicolini: You win.

Firefly: C'mon up here...I wanna scare the cabinet.

(Chicolini comes up to Firefly's office. The phone rings and Chicolini answers)

Chicolini: Hello? Hello? No. No, he's not in. Alright, I tell 'im. Good bye. (Hangs up phone) That was for you.

Firefly: I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you. Now listen here...You give up that silly peanut stand, and I'll give you a soft government job. Now, let's see...How would you like a job in the mint?

Chicolini: Mint? Ah, no. I no like-a mint. Ah, what other flavor you got? (Phone rings and Chicolini answers) Hello? No, not yet. Alright, I tell 'im. Good bye. Thank you. (Hangs up phone) That was for you again.

Firefly: I wonder whatever became of me? I should've been back here a long time ago. Now listen here...I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions...Now what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?

Chicolini: At'sa good one, I give you three guesses.

Firefly: (Thinks) Now lemme see...Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male of female?

Chicolini: No, I no think so.

Firefly: Is he dead?

Chicolini: Who?

Firefly: I don't know...I give up.

Chicolini: I give up too. Now, I ask you another one...What is it got big blacka mustache, smokes a big black cigar, and he's a big pain in the neck?

Firefly: Now don't tell me...Has a big black mustache...Smokes a big black cigar...And is a big pain in the...(pauses) Does he wear glasses?

Chicolini: At's right. You guess it quick!

Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you!

Chicolini: What job?

Firefly: Secretary of War.

Chicolini: Alright, I take it!

Firefly: Sold!

Movie Description - Previous Page - Next Page

©1995-2006, Frank M. Bland

The pages under www.marx-brothers.org/whyaduck were originally created by Frank Bland for his site www.whyaduck.com. Frank did kindly give me permission to use the contents of his site.

If you find text referring to "I" or "me" on pages under www.marx-brothers.org/whyaduck, this will usually refer to Frank.