The Marx Brothers

(using Google)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
attributed to Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. 
Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. 
Every time somebody turns on the set, 
I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, 
Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx
Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!"
Groucho:  "He must be a pretty big boy by now."
Groucho/Margaret Dumont (Movie)
"honk honk"
Harpo Marx
"Come get your ice-cream! Come get your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!"
Chico in A Day At the Races (movie)
Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books"
Chico/ Groucho in A Day At The Races (Movie)
Man: Are you a man or a mouse?
Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out.
Groucho in A Day at the Races (movie)
If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!
Groucho in A Day at the Races (Movie)
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
Groucho in A Day at the Races (Movie)
Groucho: "Do you like gardinia's?"
Woman: " Why Yes I Adore Them. How did you know?"
Groucho: " I Didn't so I got you a forget-me-not instead."
Groucho/Margaret in A Day At The Races (movie)
Chico: "What's the matter, Mister?"
Groucho: "Oh, we got into an argument and he pulled a knife on me so I shot him."
Chico and Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
(introducing Mrs C. to Mr. G) Mrs Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb;  
Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool;  
Mrs Claypool, Mr Gottlieb; 
Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool!   
If you four people want to play bridge, don't mind me, go right ahead.
Groucho in A Night at the Opera (Movie)
Lassparri:  "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."
Groucho in A Night at the Opera (movie)
"The party of of the first part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the first part..." and
"The party of of the second part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the second part...
Groucho and Chico in A Night at the Opera (Movie)
"Don't you know what duplicates are?"
"Sure. There's five kids up in Canada."
"Well, I wouldn't know about that.  I haven't been to Canada in years."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera
Groucho: "Get outta here before I get arrested."

Chico: "Nah I'd like to stay and see that."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
... and two hard boiled eggs ...
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
9 dollars and 40 cents? Thats an outrage! If I were you I wouldn't pay it!
Groucho Marx in A Night At The Opera (movie)
Policeman: "A hermit eh?  Then why's your table set for four?"

Groucho: "That's nothing.  My alarm clock is set for eight."
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
Groucho: Do you follow me?
Margaret Dumont: Yes!
Groucho: Well, you better stop following me, or I'll have you arrested.
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie)
Chico- Can he live in NY on $3?
Groucho- Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. 
Groucho, Chico in A Night at the Opera (Movie)
Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause." 
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"
Groucho/Chico in A Night at the Opera (movie)
We've got to speed things up in this hotel. 
Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. 
If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. 
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself.
Groucho in A Night in Casablanca (movie)
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere
Groucho Marx in A Night in Casablanca (Movie)
Hundred aces huh?...Two hundred... thats even better
Chico in Animal Crackers (Film)
I got his tie what did you get...the birth mark thats great
Chico Marx in Animal Crackers (Film)
We must remember that art is art.
Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it?
And east is east and west is west. 
And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesause
they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does.
Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Do you mind if I don't smoke?
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
If I were a man, you would resent that.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
I'll show you a thing or three.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
quote, unquote, and quote.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield-wiper instead.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Captain Yard of the Scotland Spalding
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Well, all the jokes can't be good.  You've got to expect that once in a while.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
"I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream."
Groucho in Animal Crackers (Movie)
I'll do anything you say. In fact I'll even stay.  But I must be going.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
That's a date, now, Saturday at three.  No, you better make it Tuesday.  I'm going to Europe Monday.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem?
What do you think of the marriage problem?
What do you think of at night when you go to bed,
you beast.
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
"One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, 
but who wants to marry your grandmother?  Not even your grandfather!"
Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie)
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. 
Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. 
You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. 
Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about.
Groucho in Animal crackers (Movie)
Groucho: Did you ever see a tree like that?
Chico: Tree?  That's a spinage.
Groucho: That can't be spinage.  Where's the egg?
Groucho and Chico in Animal Crackers (movie)
Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa:
'We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed.
But we're going back again in a couple of weeks !'
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers (movie)
GROUCHO:"You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."
CHICO:"Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."
Groucho/Chico in Animal Crackers (movie)
Margaret Dumont: I'm not the dummy.
Chico: Well, you could be.
Margaret Dumond and Chico in Animal Crackers (movie)
Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding. The African explorer.
Capt. Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorer
Crowd: Hooray, Hooray, Hooray.
Groucho in Animal Crakers (movie)
Cab driver: Hey mister, $18.75
Groucho: 1875? That's what I thought. The 1940 models run much smoother.
Groucho in At The Circus (movie)
"I'll teach you to kick me..."
"You don't need to teach me I already know how!"
Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Sure we shadowed him:
Tuesday we sit outside his house all day, but he no home.
Wednesday we went to the ball game, he fool us and no show up.
Thrusday he go to the ball game, but we fool him and we no show up.
Friday it was a double header, nobody show up, so we stay home and listened to it on the radio.
Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Attorney: That kind of testimony we can eliminate.
Chico: Atsa fine I'll have a nice cold glassa lemonade.
Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Attorney: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.
Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
I could dance with you till the cows come home...But I would rather dance with the cows till you come home
Groucho in Duck Soup (Movie)
Why a four year old child could understand this.
Run out and get me a four year old child, 
I can't make head or tail out of it.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. 
You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. 
You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. 
If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. 
You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? 
You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
I can see you standing over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove 
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Minister: "We need to take up the tax"
Groucho: "I'd like to take up the carpet."
Minister: "I still insist we take up the tax."
Groucho: "He's right - you've gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet."
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me - in fact, he danced two hundred years before me.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Treasury Secretary: "Sir, you try my patience!"
Firefly: "Don't mind if I do. You must try mine sometime."
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Don't look now but there's one man too many in this room and i think it's you.
Groucho in Duck Soup (movie)
Groucho: How would you like a job at the mint?
Chico: Mint?  I don't like mint.  What other flavors you got?
Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Groucho: Just for that I'm not going to give you the job I was going to give you.
Chico: What job?
Groucho: Secretary of War
Chico: Alright, I take it.
Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (movie)
Pick a number from one to ten.
Groucho and Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
FIREFLY: To my dentist. Er .. 'Dear Dentist: Enclosed find cheque for five hundred dollars.
Yours very truly.' Send that off immediately.
BOB:I'll ... er I'll have to enclose the cheque first.
FIREFLY: You do and I'll fire you.
Groucho and Zeppo Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Rufus T. Firefly "My father was a little Headstrong, my mother was a little Armstong. The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs and that's why darkies were born."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
Mrs.Teasdale: Your Exellency, I really don't know what to say.
Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.
(to Ambassador Trentino) Maybe you could suggest something. As a matter of fact, you DO suggest something! To me you suggest a baboon!
(Ambassador gasps, and looks insulted)
Firefly:(afterthought) I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Groucho Marx/Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup (movie)
MD "Closer... closer... closer...." 
GM "If I were any closer, I'd be in the back of you"
Margaret Dumont, Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie)
CHICO: "I would like the west better if it was in the east"
chico in Go West (movie)
GROUCHO: "That's a midicine man... can you imagine taking a teaspoon full of him?"
Groucho in Go West (movie)
GROUCHO: "You love your brother don't you?"
CHICO: "No but i'm used to him."
Groucho and Chico in Go West (movie)
CHICO: "They say the gold is laying all over the tracks eh Rusty all over the tracks."
GROUCHO: "The way he looks it's like he's been laying all over the tracks."
Groucho and Chico in Go West (movie)
Chico: "Who are you?"
Groucho: "Im fine, thanks. Who are you?"
Chico and Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie)
"Members of the faculty, faculty members.
Students of Huxley and Huxley's students. 
Well I guess that covers everything"
Groucho in Horse Feathers (Movie)
"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie)
Have we got a college?  Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. 
Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie)
(Chico and Groucho on hands and knees) " Thats no way to go into a speakeasy thats the way to go out "
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie)
And even when you've changed it all condensed it, i'm against it!
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie)
Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. 
And that reminds me of a story thats so dirty, I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (Movie)
Zeppo: Dad, I'm proud to be your son
Groucho: You took the words right out of my mouth.  I'm ashamed to be your father
Zeppo and Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie)
Chico: "The garbage man is here."
Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any."
Chico and Groucho Marx in I'll Say She Is (show)
"The indians are coming! Put your scalp in your pocket!" (puts man's toupee in his pocket.)
in Monkey Business (movie)
You pay us a little we be a little Tough...
You pay us alot we be alot Tough...
Chico in Monkey Business (Movie)
 "you got it alright, and you can keep it"
Chico in Monkey Business (movie)
MAN: What's the idea putting your hand in my pocket
CHICO: Just a little mistake. I had a suit once just looked like that, 
and for a moment I thought those were my pants.
MAN: How could they be your pants when I've got them on?
CHICO: Well, this suit had two pair of pants.
Chico Marx in Monkey Business (movie)
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx in Monkey Business (movie)
If you have ten dollars better see me in the morning. If you've got six can I lend you four?
Groucho in The Cocoanuts (movie)
Hammer: Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll explain this thing to you. 
Now look, this is a map and diagram of the whole Cocoanut section. 


Hammer: ... Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, 
here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck?

Hammer: I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, 
and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Alright, why a duck?

Hammer: (pause) I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct.

Chico: Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken?

Hammer: Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself.
All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck.

Chico: When I go someplace I just...

Hammer: (interrupts) It's...It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep water.

Chico: That's why a duck...

Hammer: Look...look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream
and you wanted to ford over...You couldn't make it, it's too deep!

Chico: Well, why do you want with a Ford if you gotta horse?

Hammer: Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. 
All I know is that it's a viaduct.

Chico: Now look, alright, I catch ona why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that...
I no catch ona why a duck.

Hammer: I was only fooling...I was only fooling. 
They're gonna build a tunnel there in the morning. 
Now is that clear to you?

Chico: Yes, everything excepta why a duck. 
Groucho and Chico in The Cocoanuts (movie)
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts (movie)
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
Groucho in You Bet Your Life (TV)
This site uses material originally created by Frank Bland for his website Why A Duck?. Frank did kindly give me permission to use this material.

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