In the beginning of June [some years back], The Duck List (i.e., the "Why A Duck? Mailing List") was down for a couple of days. A few members expressed concern and wondered when we'd be back in business, so I decided to pass the time by announcing a contest to all the members whose addresses I had. I asked everyone who was interested to submit one or more haiku based on the lives and careers of the Marxes. These haiku would be collected by me and, once the list was back up, judged by fellow listers and prizes would be awarded to the top three haiku. (I also stipulated that I would be elligible to enter the contest and judging, but not elligible for voting or for a prize. And to keep everything absolutely fair I composed no haiku after I began receiving entries from other list members, so I could not use their poems for inspiration.) The prizes I chose were copies of three Marx-related books: "The Marx Brothers Encyclopedia" by Glen Mitchell, "The Marx Brothers Scrapbook" by Groucho Marx and Richard Anobile, and "Why A Duck?" by Richard Anobile, the order to be chosen by the winners in order of their preference.
As it turned out, the list was only down for a couple of days. But I extended the invitation to the entire list once it was up again and gave until the end of June for all entries. The response was pretty good.
Once the entries were received, I sorted them all alphabetically and sent them back to the list, where I set up some pretty simple rules for voting: Each list member was entitled to submit a vote for 10 haiku, giving each points from 10 (favorite) to 1 (10th favorite). At the end of the voting, the haiku scoring the most points would be awarded the top prize, followed by the haiku scoring the second most points, etc. However, no one would be awarded more than one prize, so if anyone had more than one haiku in the top three, the second would not be considered for an award.
So, after about two and a half months since the contest began, here are the final results. First, I'm going to present the results as regards prizes awarded, then the full standings. Thanks to everyone who participated, either in the contest, the voting, or both.
The Winners
As it turns out there are four winners, but one of them did not win for her haiku (I know this is getting complicated). First, the actual haiku winners.
The fourth winner, and the actual winner of the book, "Why A Duck?" is Liz. Liz didn't win in the haiku contest, although she did do very well with her entries. However, when Richard Shaw won the top prize, he told me that he already had all the books in question, and anyway he didn't want me to have to bother shipping something to his home in the UK. Richard then asked me for advice on how to give away his prize.
I told Richard that the only way I could help him and still remain impartial would be to suggest he award his prize to the next-highest-scoring haiku, but that it was his prize to do with whatever he liked. He decided that, while my way was a good way, he would rather have his own mini contest to determine the winner; so he posed three Marx-related trivia questions to the list and said that the first to answer all three correctly would win his prize.
As it turned out, the winner was Liz, who not only answered all three questions correctly and in the shortest amount of time, she also answered so quickly that nobody else even bothered to try. And here's the ironic bit: Liz would've won by my criterion as well, since her haiku was the third runner up! Freaky...
The Final Standings
Well, it started out close. For a couple of weeks the lead bounced between several of the haiku that eventually wound up in the top ten. Then, a couple of days before the deadline for voting, it became obvious that the highest scoring haiku was pretty well sewn up, as the leader continued to strengthen his lead. But besides the top dog, the voting was actually very close. So here are the final results. (I've included here along with the total score, the total number of votes per haiku and the average score for each poem. The inclusion of these statistics and their effect on the final lineup is pretty arbitrary, but I thought it could also be pretty interesting.)
| Rank | Haiku | Writer | Score | # of Votes | Avg. Score |
| 1 |
Spirit of chaos
Anarchy in comedy Honed to perfection |
Richard Shaw | 67 | 11 | 6.09 |
| 2 |
Chicolini, spy,
shadows men on "shadow-day." At's some joke, eh boss? |
Frank Bland | 55 | 7 | 7.86 |
| 3 |
Animal Crackers:
Stir horse feathers in duck soup. Serve with cocoanuts. |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 48 | 9 | 5.33 |
| 4 |
Cramped, crowded stateroom.
A manicure would be nice... And two hardboiled eggs. |
Frank Bland | 46 | 7 | 6.57 |
| 5 |
Arx-may Others-bray:
Ill-stay Unny-fay in-ay Ig-pay Atin-lay |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 46 | 6 | 7.67 |
| 6 |
The director sits
He groans, the camera still whirs Where have they gone now? |
Dan Brown | 43 | 9 | 4.78 |
| 7 |
Hail Freedonia!
This country will be at war till the fruit runs out. |
Frank Bland | 43 | 9 | 4.78 |
| 8 |
Copying Harpo:
How many knives can I hide? I'm in prison now. |
Liz | 39 | 7 | 5.57 |
| 9 |
Bags of childhood bliss
George ate them all while I slept But I forgive him |
Theresa Oborn | 39 | 6 | 6.5 |
| 10 |
Sluggish Texas Day
Running Mule Distracts Bored Crowd Four Singers Evolve |
Dan Brown | 39 | 4 | 9.75 |
| 11 |
Quick-witted mayhem.
Wild hair, eyebrows a'wiggle. Moustache set on stun. |
M.J. Hooper | 37 | 7 | 5.29 |
| 12 |
Wit of barbed wire
You could never sleep, they say What did you think then? |
Ariadne | 37 | 7 | 5.29 |
| 13 |
Jumping blithe fingers
Parading on ivory And the music smiles |
Dan Brown | 37 | 6 | 6.17 |
| 14 |
Chico's piano,
Harpo's harp, Groucho's cigar, (And sometimes Zeppo). |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 32 | 5 | 6.4 |
| 15 |
Trench-coat eyes aglow.
Gentle-hearted maniac. Honk-and-go-lightly. |
M.J. Hooper | 27 | 6 | 4.5 |
| 16 |
Once Groucho's cigar
Would not light, so they got a New brother, Zippo. |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 26 | 4 | 6.5 |
| 17 |
A moustache can be
Problematic. Sometimes you Give one snoop too much. |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 25 | 4 | 6.25 |
| 18 |
A tired old man smokes
His bones frail, his mind still quick The aged Groucho Marx |
Dan Brown | 23 | 5 | 4.6 |
| 19 |
A mute touched heaven
With his fingers on the strings Look, he is smiling |
Dan Brown | 23 | 3 | 7.67 |
| 20 |
Strum on, you angel,
Gracing our world with your life. Strum on, you angel. |
Dan Brown | 23 | 3 | 7.67 |
| 21 |
Poor Zeppo just there
No more substantial than air Does anyone care? |
Jack | 22 | 7 | 3.14 |
| 22 |
Try to cross there with
A chicken and you'll find out at'sa why a duck. |
John Benz Fentner, Jr. | 22 | 6 | 3.67 |
| 23 |
Garbage man's outside!
Tell him we don't want any! Laughter everytime. |
Liz | 22 | 4 | 5.5 |
| 24 |
Stowaways revealed;
Sweet Adeline in barrels. Three voices or four? |
Frank Bland | 21 | 4 | 5.25 |
| 25 |
A mute who said all
With his fingers on the strings Look, he is smiling |
Dan Brown | 20 | 4 | 5 |
| 26 |
Six brothers, one dies
Army calls one, Zeppo quits Three make history |
Dan Brown | 19 | 3 | 6.33 |
| 27 |
That lop-sided grin.
Shooting the keys, one, two, three. Nimble-fingered wit. |
M.J. Hooper | 18 | 5 | 3.6 |
| 28 |
It's not fair, really
Groucho had ten years on you Didn't stand a chance |
Ariadne | 18 | 3 | 6 |
| 29 |
Auction or swindle?
If they say one, you say two. "Why A Duck?" indeed... |
Frank Bland | 18 | 3 | 6 |
| 30 |
Moustache cigar his.
Laughter joy in triplicate hat, horn, piano. |
M. Lucker | 18 | 2 | 9 |
| 31 |
An angel that bounced
(Like one of your brother's checks) Got to keep the harp |
Ariadne | 17 | 4 | 4.25 |
| 32 |
AMAGAERU
CHIKAZUKUDAKEDE NIGERARETA Haiku's season word is amagaeru (rain frog). My explain is..... When I saw a rain frog,
|
Naomi Matsui | 17 | 3 | 5.67 |
| 33 |
After a wise crack
Does Groucho think "good job"? Or - is it no big deal? |
Dan Brown | 16 | 4 | 4 |
| 34 |
Sweet music surrounds
Glissandos sweep through your strings Tears come to my eyes |
Liz | 15 | 3 | 5 |
| 35 |
"Why a duck?" he asks.
An existential question. Why-a no chicken? |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 14 | 3 | 4.67 |
| 36 |
He slowly evolved,
Rags to riches, shame to fame, Adolph to Harpo |
Dan Brown | 14 | 2 | 7 |
| 37 |
You would go broke if
You spent A Day at both the Races and Circus. (And have none left for A Night at the Opera or Casablanca.) |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 12 | 3 | 4 |
| 38 |
You played piano
And pinochle and you knew Almost all the odds |
Ariadne | 11 | 2 | 5.5 |
| 39 |
Chico instigates
Harpo's silence speaks volumes Groucho irritates |
Jack | 10 | 1 | 10 |
| 40 |
Signor Pastrami,
partners with The Professor. It's the Ace of Spades. |
Frank Bland | 10 | 1 | 10 |
| 41 |
The police are here.
Take a letter, Jamison! I'll show you what's what! |
Frank Bland | 9 | 2 | 4.5 |
| 42 |
Take or leave--you left
To take a quieter track Film was not for you |
Ariadne | 9 | 2 | 4.5 |
| 43 |
Necklace gone astray.
"Silent Red" grabs the paper. Check the hollow stump. |
Frank Bland | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| 44 |
Thick cloth blinds his eyes,
Sheets hide the keys, yet he turns And asks for requests. |
Dan Brown | 6 | 1 | 6 |
| 45 |
What does Groucho think
After he makes a wise crack? Does he think "good job"? |
Dan Brown | 5 | 2 | 2.5 |
| 46 |
If you were asked who
Groucho Marx was what would you say? What could you say? |
Dan Brown | 5 | 1 | 5 |
| 47 |
The world decaying,
I call to heaven; Harpo nods and strums louder. |
Dan Brown | 5 | 1 | 5 |
| 48 |
Want-a something hot?
ZVBXRPL. Get your Breeder's Guide! |
Frank Bland | 4 | 2 | 2 |
| 49 |
"Harpo Speaks" is a
beautiful book written by a beautiful man. |
Dan Brown | 4 | 1 | 4 |
| 50 |
Lydia's fine art
Versus Harpo's barking dog; Who had more tattoos? |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 4 | 1 | 4 |
| 51 |
The world decaying,
I call to heaven; Harpo nods and plays louder. |
Dan Brown | 4 | 1 | 4 |
| 52 |
Strum on, you angel,
Gracing this world with your life. Strum on, please strum on. |
Dan Brown | 2 | 1 | 2 |
| 53 |
Love the Marx Brothers
Laugh at all of their movies Just not Room Service |
Rich and Tammi | 1 | 1 | 1 |
| 54 |
Swordfish speakeasy,
mistaken identities, who will pay the tab? |
Frank Bland | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| 55 |
Ten grand lost by cards!
But Chico doesn't worry. He'll win tomorrow. |
Dan Brown | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| 56 |
The money's run out;
"Hail and Farewell" needs backing. Jumping butterballs! |
Frank Bland | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| 57 |
Three artists, one hunt,
two culprits and two victims. Find left-handed moths! |
Frank Bland | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| 58 |
Too young for taming.
Romances, letters for sale. Harmony of one. |
M.J. Hooper | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| 59 |
Unforgettable:
Cocoanuts, Crackers, Monkeys. Not At the Circus. |
Elizabeth 'Showtune' Lee | 0 | 0 | 0 |
Please Note: The only reason I included haikus that didn't score at all was because everyone who fell into this category did pretty well with other entries, so I figured they wouldn't mind. At any rate, I'm the one who has the largest number of non-voted-for haiku in this contest!
And one more thing: If you think there's something wrong with the listing here, or you don't want your name listed next to your entry, or you'd like it listed differently, please contact Stefan. Thanks again for playing, everybody!
(This page was originally created by Frank Bland for his 'Why A Duck?' website)
